I post in "LGBT later in life" because I feel like people here can hopefully identify with me better than teenagers just coming out, since I've lived through several years of my adult life as a straight person. Here goes. I think back to when I was a teenager: crushes were often unrequited and often emerged from the desire to have a crush rather than an organic feeling of connection to that person. So my bitterness and cynicism made sense in this context. But as I got older, in college and beyond, I continued having unhealthy dating experiences and often I would push a guy away and then pull him back in as soon as I got jealous. Jealousy, as well as fear of being alone, were my two driving emotions, and I couldn't see any other way. I latched on to every guy i dated until the feelings would fizzle out and I would become cruel. Sex became a tool of manipulation so that I wouldn't be alone. Since coming out to myself, this pattern has shifted. I'm more open and honest in relationships now, and I don't push people away anymore. (it happened with a girl when I first came out, but I attribute this to my need for a queer friend even if I didn't need a girlfriend, and as I was navigating my coming out I unfortunately used her.) I feel bad for my past behavior, irrational and hurtful as it was. I never wanted to hurt people but i found myself doing it over and over again. I'm starting to forgive myself for all that, while settling in to healthier relationship habits. Has anyone else who has had predominantly heterosexual experiences in the past (or has anyone who identifies as non-cis-gendered who has had experiences), before coming out to themselves, had this happen? Was I a manipulative brat back then or was this a product of my repression? Will this happen again?
I was really insensitive to my first girlfriend (back when I was a teenager and early 20s) as well as to men I dated during that time. I think it was related to not being honest with myself and others about what *I* really wanted. I did a lot of reacting - to others' attraction to me, to them leaving me, everything was a reaction. When I came out to myself after 14 years of living "straight" (ages 24 to 38), I was worried about whether I would treat women like I treated women and men in the past. But my newfound authenticity and openness have helped me be proactive rather than reactive. I'm also a mother now and I think that grounds me. I spent a lot of time thinking about how I manipulated others. I have forgiven myself but not forgotten, because I don't want to act like that again.
Hope floats, thanks for your response. I was worried when I was treating the people I dated so harshly that not only would I would never be a good partner, but that I would never be a good mother. Meanwhile I felt that I could only have kids with a man. I'm still in the process of letting this notion go, but I am much happier and more stable than I was before, and now I even want kids. I think you put it really well, that you did a lot of reacting. I was the same way, always reacting and not letting feelings arise internally. Thanks for sharing your response.
