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Being bullied for having a gay parent

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Spaceman, Nov 21, 2013.

  1. Spaceman

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    Fear that our kids will be bullied for having a gay parent is shaping up to be one of the biggest sticking points between my wife and me since I came out to her a few weeks ago.

    We have two girls in elementary school and the older one will be starting junior high school next year. We haven't told our kids I'm gay and my wife is adamant that they do not find out. She is absolutely convinced that they'll be subject to teasing and bullying if their classmates find out I'm gay. Her solution is for me to basically stay in the closet or to move out of town.

    I know kids can be cruel and tend to seize on anything that makes someone different. But we live in a liberal town and I feel if we're open with the kids about it and make it no big deal, they'll be able to handle any teasing that could potentially come their way.

    Does anyone have any personal experience with this or an opinion to share?
     
  2. bassmaster

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    I'm so glad you posted this question. This has been one of the biggest concerns for me as well since I came out again to my wife about a month ago. We are still in the beginning stages of all this and I too have one in grade school and middle school. I don't have any answers for you except to know you're not alone on this. My thought was I would ask the older one what her thoughts were. If she is ok with it and feels she could handle any bullying that came along I know I would definitely have much less guilt. As to the younger one. I just don't know. This is soooo hard. Sometimes I wish I would have just kept my mouth shut and suffered in silence. If nothing else for my children. But then there are one's that would say that's not right either. I unknowingly made a deal with the devil 15 years ago when I got married and I just hate him for it!! Sorry just venting I guess. Hopefully someone has some experience with this.
     
  3. palimpsest

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    I know that this could be a legitimate concern, but honestly, I am not totally buying it. Not that such things don't happen, but (and granted I'm not a fly on the wall for your talks) it sounds like a way to keep you quiet. To keep scandal away from her, to distance you?

    We will be telling my kids soon. Of course, we are home schooling right now since they are bi-lingual and dual citizens and were in another school system in a different language in a different country for the last two years. This is our best way to get them back into life in America (because my son was bullied for being "stupid Americans" a few times), we don't want the reverse to happen now.

    The truth is, even if you tell your kids, does that mean that they go into school with a T-shirt saying "my dad is gay" and a rainbow pin? Yes, they may talk, but to whom? Probably their closest friends. It could get out, but I don't know Spaceman, this feels like deflection to me, it really does.

    Bullying happens, it sucks to be the parent of a child to go through it. It sucks that I went through and now I have seen my son go through it. The truth is, kids can be brutal it is true. If they have not had any problems thus far, I can't honestly see this making much of difference now. What I think more likely is that they may not talk about it if they encounter strong ant-gay/homophobic peer pressure. That would concern me because then they could internalize it in a bad way. Good communication. Make a plan. Talk about it. But Spaceman (bass master) don't bully yourselves or let yourselves get bullied by "what ifs." Been there, done that, not worth it, at all!!!
     
    #3 palimpsest, Nov 21, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2013
  4. bassmaster

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    Pal, I agree with what you are saying. It could just be more of a "cover up" type deal. I think my fear comes from bigot parents filling their kid's heads with bullshit about the situation and then they bring it to school.
     
  5. arturoenrico

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    Without your wife's support on this, it would be hard to handle the situation with your kids the optimal way. I have seen many young people react to the news so someone bring gay with grace, acceptance, nonjudgement, and support so I wouldn't underestimate them or their classmates. I highly recommend a documentary entitled Anyone and Everyone by Susan Polis Schutz which aired on PBS a year or two ago. I know it's available on DVD. Some public libraries even have it. Your wife should watch it. It's only a matter of time. Keeping it secret from them won't work in the long run. But really, what's the community like? Where I live, no one cares; it's a nonissue.
     
  6. palimpsest

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    bass, I know and you and I have chatted about his a bit. You live in a small community and the chances of the firestorm spreading through out your community may be high. I don't know SM's community. I think art's question is good, what is the community like?

    Yes parents do influence what their kids think, especially when they are young. But I will remind all of us that this is not the era in which any of us grew up. People in their 20's and younger think differently about orientation I think. Not all of them, of course there is still bigotry and prejudice. That's human nature. The real point is being honest with your kids or not. Coming out or not. You can not control what others do or think. If you are on your way out and want to be out, then you can't respond the phantoms that have kept you safe in the dark for so long. There are not "what if's?" How will they respond? What will they think? These thoughts keep us in, caged and drastically unhappy. These thoughts rob our children of the best we have to offer them, a full and content version of ourselves.

    My point about bullying is that it happens. For all sorts of stupid reasons it happens. It sucked dealing with it in Hungary for 2 years. It sucked because I was in a different system and couldn't stop it from happening. You know what, he got over it. Got around it. Grew in ways that make me proud of him. He was expected to be Hungarian because he speaks the language as well as English. Because he is a dual citizen, but no one could empathize with the fact that he began his schooling in the US. That he wasn't just like them.

    My wife and I dealt with it by helping him. Talking to him. Reassuring him that he wasn't stupid (in fact, both of my children have higher IQ's than most of their peers). There are many different issues here guys. One is about you and your wive's and their standing in the community. The other is about your kids and how they will respond. Then there is the kids and how they will deal with it and incorporate it into their lives. These issues need to be dealt with, I think, on their own. Piece by piece.
     
  7. Dragonbait

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    Guys. My kids are the least of my worries about coming out. First and foremost are my own friends (guess they're more acquaintances if our relationships could be at risk) and my job. But my kids, who I guess to be older than your own (at 14 & 18 years old), both have gay friends AND friends who have proactively homophobic parents. The kinds of adults that talk to their kids about "catching the gay" - and it serves to mention that my own kids have expressed their own sincere dismay at such a concept.

    In addition to my own kids, which I know everyone will say, "well you're in CA, of course they do", I have friends on the east coast that have found themselves -later in life- in homosexual relationships, whose children have repeatedly expressed themselves (to both their parents as well as other extended family members) as being truly happy that their gay parent had found happiness. And said children never since having shown any example to the contrary.

    Both my kids have, without the mantle of having a gay parent, been subject to bullying. If kids are going to bully, they really don't need an excuse - they'll use the easiest thing that comes to mind. My youngest was bullied, repeatedly in 7th grade for wearing a Gap brand Men's Peacoat. It doesn't take much at all. And frankly the more ridiculous the reason, the easier it is for a kid to build up an immunity to it.

    At some point in their lives, they will be the target of bullying. So help them learn how to deflect that attention, rather than make themselves willing targets to it. You'll be doing them a lifelong favor vs being the cause of all the injustice that befalls them.
     
  8. Spaceman

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    Thanks to you all for the feedback. We live in a pretty open minded college town in a blue state so it's not like we're in the Bible Belt or anything.

    My wife has always been a very protective mom, and she sees my being gay as a huge thing the kids need protecting from. This is another one of those things I didn't fully anticipate before coming out, especially since she is not homophobic at all.

    If I come out more widely, she says she'd be constantly living in fear that the secret would get back to the kids. The obvious answer to that is for us to tell them first, but the bullying fear makes that unacceptable in her mind.
     
  9. BookDragon

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    So why can't you tell your kids and not the rest of the world...I mean if she's worried they will find out eventually anyway why not tell them first?
     
  10. lowkey

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    so inspirational


    Gay parents - YouTube
     
  11. Choirboy

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    My wife has expressed a lot of concern about the girls being hassled once everything comes out, but I'm actually far more concerned about HER. She and her brothers are merciless with each other, and inevitably end up with 2 of the siblings ganging up on the unfortunate 3rd, and their mother will jump in with the majority to add fuel to the fire. I had often wondered what would give them more ammunition to use against her, and concluded that by coming out, at least they couldn't blame her entirely for the divorce, although given their charming personalities, I could seem them suggesting that she "turned me gay". If we just split, they would literally spend years saying she drove me away by being a bitch. Not entirely inaccurate, but not something I want hung around her neck for the next 20 years, either.

    The girls, though, have gay friends and acquaintances and are completely secure and accepting of them. My oldest took it very calmly, and while we haven't talked about it much, I can tell that she is still "processing" it but doesn't have any actual problem with it. The younger one will certainly be OK as well (she has a coach who is openly gay and she accepts him 100%), but she has less of a "filter" and is more likely to blab to the world, so I wasn't planning on telling her until her mother is more comfortable with her own "plan". (Or when I feel the need to FORCE her mother to MAKE a plan.)

    My feelings on bullying in general, though, based on bitter past experience, are that the best defense we can give our kids against bullying is to raise them to be secure and confident and open and ethical. Bullies function like predators in the wild and zero in on the weak and vulnerable, and can sense the kids who are the easiest targets to be exploited and victimized. I know several kids who are unattractive and awkward, but have never had any great problem with being bullied, even though they would seem to be easy meat. The common thread is that they are happy and completely at ease with themselves (not to mention somewhat clueless, which probably helps as well!).

    Thinking back to my own school days, I remember having a friend who was something of a doppelganger to me--we looked like brothers, similar build, coloring, and I have some definite suspicions about his orientation, looking back. I was bullied constantly,and he was almost never. But he and his siblings always projected an air of confidence that my sister and I lacked (although my brother and younger sister had it), which was the only real difference in our behavior. I'm convinced that was what gave him the "force field" of protection.

    In general, though--I'd say if they have not had any major bullying problems at this point for anything else, and the town, as you say, is reasonably liberal, they will probably be OK. Bullies don't really care what they use as fuel, but if they sense that the heat isn't bothering their intended victim, they will move on to someone else.
     
  12. Tightrope

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    Childless here, but I do have a few comments to make.

    You are right as to how kids tend to capitalize on anything that makes others different, but it's not usually about their parents, from what I recall ... and some kids I went to school with had parents that were "different" in all sorts of ways.

    However, on the other hand, you mention:
    1) liberal college town in blue state - I doubt the kids of college profs will be doing any bullying of that sort and most of those households are liberal and sometimes kind of unconventional
    2) you have daughters instead of sons - boys tend not to tease the girls in school, that is, unless they like them, most of the time, and I don't think this would be a big deal among the girls, except that they might discuss it behind your girls' backs and then it will be "old hat" and past tense. I think it might be only marginally more difficult if you had boys, because there is then that association between the parent and the child

    I think that your wife is making more of this than is actually there.
     
  13. HopeFloats

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    You can't control the other kids but you can take steps to bolster your own kids'
    confidence. It's important to me that my daughter know other lgbt families. For example we go to an LGBT friendly church and she knows other kids with two moms or two dads. I want to help my daughter understand that she's not the only one.
     
  14. D43054

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    It's been said here... But our kids have a totally different view on this than when we were younger... It's different in their world today. Thankfully!

    I wish it had been for us!!! Many of us would have taken different paths.
     
  15. sagebrush

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    Teachers, schools and school districts can also be allies for your children and you. Your schools and district might have equity programs and anti-discrimination policies that promote diversity, tolerance, and acceptance. Teachers may display "safe zone" signs in their classrooms that show their awareness and advocacy. Plus, organizations like GLSEN provide resources for promoting safe schools for all. So, while there might be bullies, there can also be plenty of allies at schools.
     
  16. arturoenrico

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    I believe actually that your wife, I'm sorry to say, is indeed a closeted homophobe.
     
  17. Lipstick Leuger

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    I have three kids and they all chose to handle my disclosure differently. They were young when this happened but my oldest just had started high school. She decided to not tell people, her friends who knew my ex, unless they were very, very close friends. She had two she ended up telling and they were very supportive. By her Senior year, she had told everyone becuase she figured who really gave a crap, and she was right. The other gay teachers and kids in the school knew, and they rallied about her also.

    My son was in 6th grade(Jr. high) and he just didn't feel comfortable with it. He is shy and so we didn't mention it to anyone. That lasted for a few years, and it was fine, I presented myself as a single mother at conferences and told people that I was divorced, that was all. My ex decided to not be part of his childrens lives so it was somewhat easier to just say that. He is now a Junior in highschool and said recently to me "I don't care if people know because what are they gonna say, You have gay parents? and tease me about it? Seriously Mom?" It actually made me laugh.

    My baby is now a Freshman in Highschool but was 6 and never had a silent bone in her body about Mom being gay. She was out for me! LOL I was embarassed at the school conferences but she would brazenly state "My Mom is gay and I am lucky to have two Moms now!"

    So, now everyone knows and they have seen my kids grow up well adjusted and ya know what? Once they got to really know me and see how the kids were happy, nothing bad happened. They have supportive friends and they learned to know who was worth their friendship and those that were not. I was so suprised that there were so many other parents and children that were supportive or my kids and of my family. THe ones that are not, don't really matter. Chances are you are not the only gay parent in the school. Plus, until you actually meet a partner and have a stable realtionship, you don't really have to worry about the girls telling anyone or not.

    Also, just to give some advice.......Sometimes we do keep in the closet at times, because it's not safe or it's not wise to come out, and there is no shame because of it. We do what is best for our kids if they are uncomfortable with it. They may need time to come to terms, after all you did, and your family needs to recover from this. We, as parents are all frightened about our kids getting picked on for having gay parents, but I have found the reality is not as bad as we imagine it will be.
     
  18. Biotech49

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    My youngest son outed me right after I came out nearly a year ago. He was in a math class and they were waiting for the bell to ring and a group of guys started talking about gay people in a bad way. My son piped up and said that his brother was gay and so was his mom. The guys stopped talking. One of them said, "Then how did you and your brothers get here?". "In the normal way", said my son.

    He is proud of us and doesn't let the fact that he has family who are gay bother him. He's had a few girlfriends and he tells them about my gay son and I. All bets are off concerning friends and relationships if they can't accept his family.

    My experience has been good. If you know your kids well, they will understand and will accept you and love you anyway. They will stand up for you and not be ashamed of you. It is kind of like a reversal. If your child had come out, would you accept them unconditionally? I realize that kids don't necessarily have the maturity to think the way we do (LOL - there are still way too many homophobes out there), but you would be quite surprised. They may be the "adults" that we need to see.
     
  19. Spaceman

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    Thanks for sharing your stories LL and biotech. They're very encouraging. Both my wife and I are working to raise our girls to be grounded and confident so they can stand up to life's bullies about this issue or anything else. My wife, being the over protective mom she is, is instinctually trying to protect them from teasing. But I hope in time she'll see that knowing the truth is best for all of us.
     
  20. OneSpirit

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    My daughter's dad is gay and he told her when she was 8 or 9. It was never an issue at school. Sometimes she told people, sometimes not. She was so ok with it that I don't think people COULD have teased her about it. It would have rolled right off and she would have felt bad for whomever was doing the teasing/bullying.
    I do remember worrying about it in the beginning, but it was such a non-issue that I am not worried about telling my younger kids about me and their experience with it at school.