I'm pretty new around here. I've been lurking for a while and it seems like a great place. I gave a short version of my story on the Welcome forum, but here's the whole story of where I find myself in life now. Like most here, I knew I was different by the time I was a teen. But I just decided that I would never tell anyone that I really liked other boys. I'd suppress it and I'd just go on living my life the way I was "supposed" to -- wife, kids, the whole 9 yards. That changed when I got to college. Only 2 months into freshman year, one of my two roommates just came out to me one day and told me he was dating another guy we knew. I had no idea what to do with this information. Stuff like that just didn't happen in 1982. It took me some courage, but a month or 2 later I came out to him, if nothing else than to have someone to talk to about my feelings. I met a few other gay people in college as well. One of whom I am still very close to. Even after my positive experience in college (which I say that even with lack of love life), I still didn't want to be gay. But as the years wore on, I as tired of being alone and decided to take some baby steps to start coming out. Right as I was starting to do this, I met a woman, Karen, who I had actually known in elementary school, but hadn't seen since then. We hit it off and I started to feel like this is what I've been waiting to happen! This is the sign I've been waiting for! We dated for a good while and then got married when we were both around 35 years old. I was a bit nervous because after all that time I still didn't know if I was doing the right thing. But everyone was so happy for us, I thought how could it be wrong. Married life didn't start off well. Our sex life was "okay", but the larger problem was that we both wanted children and we soon discovered we had infertility. I came to find out that I actually had extremely low testosterone and very little sperm. We did IVF and Karen got pregnant 4 times, but miscarried each time. So we decided to adopt. We adopted a baby boy from Guatemala. He was born with a cleft palate and we had that repaired after we adopted him. Of course we couldn't have known then, but he has a mild learning disability as well. So, he has been a challenge. After his adoption, we still had some remaining frozen embryos from our IVF days and my wife wanted to use them up. I didn't, but like most things I tended to just go along with her. Lo and behold, Karen got pregnant and didn't miscarry this time. We had a beautiful baby girl, who looks more like her dad and is just as smart too. (Haha!) About the time our son was 3 and our daughter was 1, we figured we'd better buy a house before the prices went up too much more. Even though we had a ton of debt left over from the adoption and IVF days, we managed to buy a house that we really couldn't afford, but we figured we had to have something! Around this time, my wife's health started to go south. After she gave birth to our daughter, she started developing all kinds of problems. Rheumatoid arthritis, hypothyroid disease, severe back pain, autoimmune disorders, blood clots, the list just went on and on. Her medical bills were skyrocketing and she was on a ton of medication. She was in the hospital at least 6 times between 2008 and 2011. During this time after our daughter was born and we moved to the new house, my wife also started down a dark mental health problem also. She started to become a hoarder. You can probably see where some of this is going. Between the debt from having kids, the house we couldn't afford, the medical bills and the hoarding, I ended up having to file bankruptcy and we eventually lost the house. I'm an accountant by trade, so this just devastated me. I went into a deep depression over this. Our marriage was starting to suffer. Sex life was non existent by this time. With all the problems we had already, Karen decided to spring on me one day that she had found evidence that I was actually gay. She said she found old emails to my gay college friend discussing my sexuality. (She found printed copies of these emails. Not sure why I printed them.) She said she was upset but didn't make any demands at the time. She said I needed to "figure things out" and decide what I wanted to do. She became convinced that this is what was wrong with our sex life. I admit that sex with her wasn't exactly my cup of tea, but my emotional withdrawal from our marriage was really more due to my depression over all of our problems, with finances being number one. The early part of 2011, my wife was in and out of the hospital with infections. Twice she had to get a PICC line installed in her arm to do IV antibiotics at home. Her mental health was going so south I didn't know what to do anymore. The house was a disaster from the hoarding. I couldn't get her to throw anything away. The kids were miserable from all the fighting. About May of 2011 I had had enough of her mismanagement of our money and took the money away from her. She now threaten me with divorce. And it sure looked like that is where we were headed. I had even gone to the point of telling my family that I thought that's what was going to happen. I told Karen's sister that I thought that we'd be separating by early 2012. Karen's sister then told me that if I needed help getting full custody of the kids that she would testify for me, not her own sister. Then came the fateful day that changed my life forever. The day before Thanksgiving 2011, I woke up and got ready for work. I got our kids up and dressed and on the bus to school. None of that was unusual... except for one thing. Karen had very odd sleeping habits. Sometimes up at night and sleeping during the day. She usually slept in the morning while I got the kids ready, but she always would get up before the kids were gone. This day she didn't, and that was odd enough for me to try to wake her before I left for work. I couldn't wake her. Despite violently shaking her in bed, she would not move. I put my ear to her back and couldn't hear anything... no breathing, no heartbeat. I called 911 immediately and the paramedics arrived within just a minute or 2. It didn't take them long to tell me she was gone. She had died sometime in the middle of the night. It appeared to them she had vomited in her sleep and choked to death. Suddenly and without warning, I was a widowed single dad. I could not believe it. I was in shock for quite some time over the next several weeks. I was so torn with guilt over feeling on the one side like I had not done enough to get help for her, versus the other side of feeling happy that I could now put this part of my life behind me and move on. It took me a while to adjust, but now 2 years have gone by and I'm in a much, much better place. The hoarding is gone. The finances are much better. I'm happier than I have been in a long while. The kids are doing well. They are 12 and almost 10 now. I feel like I went to hell and back, but I'm still here. It has been occurring to me recently that I still have a lot of life left in me and I would love to have a new partner to share my life with. But OH YEAH, there is that little sticky situation about me actually being gay. The only people who know are my sister and a few friends. My parents don't know, none of my coworkers know, and certainly not my semi-conservative in-laws who I am very close to and help me a lot with the kids. It's been quite a challenge having to be "super dad" and now I'm thinking about being "super gay dad"? I'm not sure I can handle that right now. I want to come out and start being more open, but I'm worried how people would take that, especially since my wife died. I've tried to search around for people in my similar situation, but haven't been able to find any yet. Hope I didn't bore everyone to death with this story. But if anyone has any thoughts, insights, help of any kind that would be greatly appreciated! Thanks a lot.
Welcome Adam!! Your story is so heart-wrenching. You actually had me in tears. Tho I have not been in a situation quite like that I utterly felt the pain and anguish you have been through. You have been dealt quite a load. But you have come to the right place. It's a first step in opening up. A place where you can talk through your problems and a great group of people to listen and help. You might consider a therapist if your finances permit. I personally think what you seek is possibly. We can't always control what others think. At some point we have to do what is right for us.
Hi Adam, welcome. You story sounds kind of traumatic to me and you must have a lot of inner strength to land on yor feet after going through so much. Of course you should seek happiness for yourself in a relationship. But, it sounds like you kids have probably had a lot of turmoil in their young lives and they need stability from you. I would just suggest moving slowly with changes.
Welcome to EC!! While it's true that you will not find anyone here (or anywhere else) that has your EXACT experiences - they are yours and yours alone - you can certainly find people that are in similar situations. Your story touched me very deeply, knowing that you were gay, but feeling societal pressure to do the "right thing" - I felt much the same, though instead of getting married, I remained celibate by choice. Now I realize that was the wrong decision. Having your wife pass away and then coming to terms with being an openly gay man at the same time is an extraordinarily difficult (and brave) thing to do. One thing that I might suggest, for yourself and your children (since they are dealing with the sudden loss of their mother), is psychotherapy. I'm not sure if you've been, but it can be extraordinarily helpful in dealing with these issues. Hang in there, you're definitely not alone. There are plenty of gay dads on here, and they've found (as I'm sure you will) that it does get better for everyone involved. Sounds so cliche, but it's true.
Oh yes YOU DO!!! Well Adam thats a story and a half ! It is so good to hear that you are beginning to re-group. Have you tried therapy to help the passage. I think this might help a lot to get some clarity in certain things. And welcome to EC (!)
You have given up nearly half your life trying to live as you aren't. Fate has given you the opportunity to now live the rest of your life as you are. Don't waste it trying to be what other people think you are or thought you were. Start trying to find a man who appreciates your reliability and steady personality, and who also will appreciate and help take care of your children. When you do, the other family members can either accept him as part of your family or lose access to you and their grandchildren, which I seriously doubt they would do. At age 49, they aren't likely to think of your relationship as some kind of sexual fantasy being explored for the first time, just finding a good person to help you take care of the kids and share living expenses; the rest, they can gradually ease into the acceptance of over time, after they get to know him as a good person.
Hi Adam and welcome to EC. You really have lived quite the saga. You poor guy. I'd have to say that it's now finally time for your turn. You are definitely due! And let me just tell you that although as many others have already pointed out, your story is entirely your own, you are definitely not alone. You may or may not believe that one of my dearest friends, who has been an incredibly grounding force for me as I ride my own roller-coaster of life, has a story very similar to yours. Knew all along he was gay, but due to family and religion and what he determined would be the path of least resistance, he married a woman who was his best friend, had two children, then stoically nursed her through a 10 year battle and slow torturous debilitating decline through breast cancer. A couple of years after she passed, he met a wonderful guy who was another "Later in Life" realization, who was coming out of an umpteen year marriage and only just coming to his own sexual realization. They've been together for two years now, are the happiest, most sickeningly joyful couple that I know. Their kids are all the same ages, they blend families quite well and it warms my heart to see that after years of sacrificing themselves for others, they are finally experiencing their own bliss. They are truly out to everyone they know, both sets of "in-laws" as well as their own families. My friend whose wife died did face resistance and disapproval from her family when he came out to them, and even more so when his partner moved in, but as Yossarian pointed out, he's made it quite clear that he's not going to tolerate it and they suck it up to remain active in their grandchildren's lives. I'm sharing a story that's not even my own because you need to know that your time is coming, your bliss is out there and you do deserve it. Don't deny yourself any more!
Wow! Thanks everybody. Such good advice and encouraging words. Yes, I have been thinking a lot more along the lines of - I want to live my life for me, not others anymore - and that's a good bit of what prompted me to come here to EC. At the same time, I do want to make sure the kids' lives are stable without springing too much on them. Dragonbait - your story gave me some hope! Your friend's situation sounds similar to my own. To address what many of you suggested, I did have my kids go see an individual counselor after their mom died and that helped them a lot. They can now freely talk about their mom without crying. My relationship with my daughter is 1000 times stronger than before her mom died. I went to grief group therapy for a little over a year and that helped me tremendously. It helped me to get over the guilt I was feeling. It helped me adjust to my new life and not dwell on the past, which I was doing a lot when I first joined the group. Of course, the group didn't deal with my sexuality, which is one reason I'm here. Maybe some individual counseling is in order for me. One thing I have noticed from my lurking is that there does seem to be a lot of men here who married women only to realize they shouldn't have done that (myself included). I'm hoping that as society seems to be changing towards greater acceptance, that this practice will come to an end. It ruins both the man's and the woman's lives. I only did it because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. That by doing what society wanted me to do, I'd be happy. Very big mistake.
Wow Adam, you've been through the ringer and deserve to start living for yourself. The loss of your wife is tragic, but it does free you to pursue the gay relationship your heart desires. It sounds like you're an amazing dad and I'm sure your kids will be fine. Dragonbait... thanks for sharing that story. Gives hope to so many of us who are or will be searching for a loving same-sex partner later in life.
Adam, we're glad you're here! You've been through some very traumatic experiences but you're standing tall. Don't worry about being a "super dad" but please continue to put your children first. You will always be glad you did, and when the time comes to explain to them your true orientation it will be a lot easier for all of you.
I didn't see that ending coming. :eek: With the children you really can't do anything, until they go to college, this doesn't mean to say you can't looking or at least be confident in yourself as you know what you are looking for, and this will help a lot in knowing who you are and what you want.
I totally disagree that you have to wait until the kids go to college. You have waited long enough. Having a child made coming out more important to me - I want to live out my values and be a good example to her. That being said, you have been through so much. Be gentle with yourself and take things at your own pace. You have lots of life left. I'm really excited for your family's future.
I'm not sure when I'm going to come out to my kids. With my son and his learning disability, if I get him through H.S. I'll be lucky. I don't think college is in his future, but you never know. I have these visions of him still living with me in his 30s. That's a whole other topic. My daughter, on the other hand, is very smart. I considered myself a fairly smart kid in school, and she's clearly smarter than I was at her age. I wouldn't put it past her to figure it out even before I got around to telling her.
Honestly, Adam, if I were in your shoes, I think I'd just tell the kids and be done with it. They have been through a whole lot, between the financial problems, the hoarding issues, and losing their mother. Kids may not be able to understand the things that stress their parents out, but they definitely feel the stress itself. And after all you have been through, you deserve to be able to live your life without worrying about keeping things a secret from people. At this point in their lives, your kids need to know that you love them and will be there for them, and there's no doubt in my mind that they know that. My wife has many of the same issues that yours did, and my girls have always recognized how much effort I've put into keeping our family whole. They're not much older than your kids (mine are 16 and almost 13). Coming out to them will allow you to live your life in the open, and it will not diminish your love for them, and they will understand that. I would trust them to be the wonderful people that you have brought them up to be.
Choirboy, I can't disagree with that logic. I know that they would still love me very much. My son might not fully understand, but my daughter would, and I know she would still love me. That only thing my daughter would have to get over is the notion that I'm going to marry a woman who has a daughter so that she can have a step sister. I guess I'll just have to tell her I'll be looking for a man with a daughter! By the way, Choirboy, thanks for the wall post. I wrote a long reply the other day and when I tried to post it, EC told me I had to have 10 forum posts before I was allowed to do a wall post. So, I was not happy at losing my wall post, but I think I have 10 forum posts now, so I should be good now hopefully!
Although I am hesitant in finding a partner but if you tell children that is another step forward, your daughter may bring it up and ask you whether you want to find a replacement, then that is the best time to ask, don't trot out the line that maybe I should look for another girlfriend when you know it isn't true. I think daughters can be more understanding than sons when it comes to gay fathers.
Adam - Just when I thought I had it rough you, came along with your story. Your taking care of your kids and taking care of life and putting it all that behind you. You have people that will support you no matter what and that is worth anything anyone could ever want. You do have a lot of life left, so go out and live it your way, no matter how that is.
