Surviving the holidays

Also my current topic of angst! (*hug*)

 

sort of - but for a different reason

I always dread the holidays since I came out - which I did YEARS ago

and when I did my parents threw me out and did not speak to me for years

now they speak to me twice a year - I get two cards a year

1 for my birthday and one for Christmas

we speak only when I call to say thank you :icon_sad:

 

Yikes, Spaceman. That sounds hard and the "won't allow it" is a tough thing to swallow. How unpleasant on her part. If we could all only have our own Thanksgiving get-together! Neither Thanksgiving nor Christmas will be stellar for me, either.

 

SM, I am really sorry that this is what you face in the next weeks. I don't think it fair and I am sure it is painful. I was trying to avoid Thanksgiving with mine so that I could enjoy it at home while I'm here, haven't celebrated it with my extended family in years, but, my kids are hurting right now and I have to go. So, EC, I am leaving Sac earlier than I thought.

I would dread it, however, if I was forbidden from it. That would be a different weight. Are you going to be totally alone, do you have somewhere to go? I've been alone on the holidays, the first time I moved to Hungary, it was hard. To have someone you want to be with, and to be alone. I am sorry SM, I am sorry.

 

My wife invited me over for Rosh Hashana in September, as a gesture of sorts I suppose, but she couldn't help herself and decided to have an argument...so much anger is really so much sadness, expressed as anger.

As with all mourning, this will take time...

 

The holiday season is hard for me. The last few years, I've usually been alone on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

It appears I'll be alone this Thanksgiving, although in some ways I'm not sure I care very much. I like the core idea of the holiday--being thankful--but have little interest in the standard turkey dinner. And a lot of the gatherings I've been to over the years drain me--they have often been large, and I am very much of an introvert. Plus all the larger gatherings I've been to the last 10 years have been mostly people I don't know very well. One year it was a family-by-marriage, and I felt like an outsider.

December is harder. A lot harder. Again, Christmas is alone, and that has been extremely hard. It is a day of often dark depression. And the rest of the month is only marginally better. I enjoy exchanging Christmas cards. But that's about my only real involvement--I don't even have a holiday party of any sort to look forward to. I sometimes say that I wish I could get drunk on Black Friday, and stay totally sloshed until January 2. When I say that I am only half joking.

 

Thanksgiving is always a wonderful holiday for us--it's the one time of the year that I see my mom's extended family, and this may well be the last one that my wife attends. I'm only out to one person in that family, and she won't be able to come, so I'll be feeling rather secretive. My wife has always claimed to enjoy it but I've never been completely convinced. One of our stranger food traditions (besides Hungarian sausage, of all things) is a multi-layer jello mold that I've made for close to 30 years that has all the colors of the rainbow, each separated by a white layer. It takes hours to make but it's always a hit. I laughed a bit when it occurred to me that even my standard Thanksgiving dessert is gay.

Christmas is always with her family and is generally tense and spent waiting for emotional grenades to be thrown. If this is the last one of its kind, I won't miss it.

Spaceman, it will improve over time, especially if your mother-in-law is in your corner. You just have to get through this one, which will probably be the hardest. We'll all be thinking of you.

 

Oh, this is a terrible situation! We have always cooked and entertained (I should say I cooked) for years. We were supposed to have Thanksgiving this year with 25 people. I love entertaining. Well, my wife threw me out so obviously we're not hosting. This is so sad for me. Most of the family is on my wife's side; my side of the family has faded away. At least my wife agreed for me to be with the kids and we are going to my nieces house. But,it will be small and our thanksgivings are always large and festive. There were no Jewish holidays this year. Many changes. I told my 20 year daughter a few weeks ago that I would still make Thanksgiving for everyone in my apartment and she said, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but are you delusional?"

 

Holidays are challenging for me, too. My family circle is small, and I haven't made as many friendships as I would like since coming out. So I'm in this zone of kinda feeling lonely during the holidays. I'm trying to balance my expectations with reality in a healthy way so that I don't feel overwhelmed and depressed, which is tough for this "later-in-lifer." But I'm striving to keep the door open this holiday season for new joys and new friendships. My wish is to enjoy the holidays—not just survive them—even when that nagging voice inside me whispers, "Bah, Humbug!"

Here's to helping each other survive the holidays together. (&&&)

 

Surviving the holidays you said?!
Michael Buble
and a lot of patience and self-control... Think of your happy place..

 

You are right; I am with my kids. Sorry it didn't work out for you. Plan something special to do with them another day that weekend.

 

I have mixed feelings about the holidays.

Things I like - There are lots of special concerts (if you live in a major city, check out the gay men's chorus). Going to parties. Seeing friends / acquaintances I don't see often. Homes decorated and lit up. Festive moods all around.

What don't I like? I'm not out to most of my relatives. Spending Thanksgiving and Christmas around conservative hetero relatives is nerve-wracking. At times they've said things that suggest 'gay rumors' are circulating behind my back. But I don't want to come out to them because they are homophobic and closed-minded. (They vote conservative, against gay rights, have no gay friends...)

About 18 years ago, when I finally came to terms with being gay, I didn't really "come out" to relatives or straight acquaintances. Since I lacked close relationships with any of them, I just let that all fall by the wayside and resolved to 'start over' making new friends ... all of them gay this time. I've reduced contact with these relatives to a handful of days a year, but the back-to-back Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays are about half of those days!

At least one of my friends will be having a Thanksgiving evening party so I can begin to feel like myself again...

When I hear talk of "surviving" the holidays, I wish I could go back to childhood when it was an idyllic storybook occasion, instead of a stressful time in which I fear being 'outed' and shamed...

 

Piano71, I can relate to what you said about homophobic relatives that you rarely see. I think that for me, it is time to let my conservative relatives know that they do actually have a gay relative: me! I'm not sure but I don't think I can take another holiday in the closet. My friends who have been out for a long time told me not to rush it - that I would know when the time was right to come out to various people. I'm going to play it by ear. But my family vacation in August was miserable. The closet is such a barrier to real relationship.

 

Wow. We have a lot in common. (*hug*) I came out to my parents years ago at Thanksgiving. My Mom told me I was no longer her daughter, and not welcome in her house. I can't say they threw me out though, because I was already living with my partner at the time. Since that time, I've not gotten any cards, and haven't spoken on the phone to her until just recently.

 

I'm sorry to hear you'll not be seeing your kids for Thanksgiving Spaceman, I hope you'll be ok. Stay strong.

We don't celebrate Thanksgiving here but Christmas is a nightmare in itself. My parents divorced when I was 8 years old and every year since then, Christmas has been a challenge. Last year I went to my step brothers house for Christmas with my mum and step father. And my Dads family took it pretty personally that I didn't attend their get together.

This year I've decided I'm going to a friends house who has no family and spending it with him. Then both my families can be annoyed at me together heh.

 

That's the holiday spirit! A pox on all their houses! :icon_wink

 

Haha that's the idea! I'm sure I'm not the only one that's suffering for the holidays though. I've even had to help sort out a problem for my mum with her 3 sisters (they are all 30+ years my elder!) and it takes a 25 year old guy to bring sense to the chaos, what is the world coming to lol. They're arguing over how much to spend on presents for each other etc per household instead of individual gifts. I suggested they each put together a food parcel for charity equaling a certain amount and then they've each spent a certain amount of £'s and EACH done something for someone else. You know, in the spirit of Christmas, which seems to have been lost. And I'm an atheist for gods sake (hehe).