So, I just found out that my wife and my kids had the big talk without me yesterday. That was not planned. They were asking questions about Thanksgiving, what was taking so long for us to get back together in Vermont, etc. She decided to not lie, and I stand by that decision. My son's only issue was why I didn't tell him before. My daughter is struggling with the idea that we will get a divorce at some point. I am struggling with, I don't know, how I will structure this conversation when I see them this weekend.
They are 9. I would have liked to have been there too, of course, but I would have done the same. We have already talked about it at length so there was a plan of sorts. We were hoping for a natural opportunity, and it arose. That said, how do I feel about this emotionally? Not sure actually. Differently than when I came out to my family. I won't know the answer to this question for sure until I am reunited with them his weekend.
At least, from the sound of it, she told them in a factual, realistic way that didn't paint you in a bad light to them. That being said, it may be a tough few days as they process this. Are you telling them the whole thing, or just that you two are splitting?
No, apparently, they know the whole thing. I don't know if they understand it yet. I am sure I still have some stuff to process myself, and us together, but it is what it is. If I was painted in a bad light it is only in the sense of, as apparently my son asked, why did we get married. That will be more complicated to discuss. At some point we will get there and I can help them to understand the closet experience. Denial and suppression. Perhaps they will both learn from me in this, it is not worth being someone you are not.
I do hope you're ok about this, but I wouldn't be. My wife has decided to tell many people in her life abut my sexuality, which I did not want. Actually when I told my kids, I did not want my wife to be there, but she insisted. Since I've moved out, I've been battling not to become excluded with the exception of my paycheck. I won't tolerate my wife excluding me although she does try. Maybe you can have your own conversation with them.
To be honest, I would have felt betrayed to have someone else tell my kids. You're a better man than I am in that regard if you're ok with this. When you see them this weekend? Tell them you love them more than anything else. That you will always be there for them. And that as soon as you and your STBX work out the details, you will be honest and open with them. And, since I think its true, that you loved their Mom and wanted things to work out. About your sexuality, keep it simple. It took you until now to realize that you're gay. And you told their Mom (a while back). You know now that you were born gay, that God made you that way. And be honest, that you don't know exactly what that means after the divorce - but you're very happy to know and share the truth about yourself. Hugs /p
Yes, I wish she would have waited this once, at least about the gay part. But, the two are connected. Neither of us have been able to conceive of this conversation without addressing both issues at once. Simply put, my kids always ask why? Why are you two not happy? Why are you not going to stay together? Why did you get married? I would have told them too. I think my orientation was mine to tell, yes there is no question about that. But, which one of us should have said something about the divorce? That is both of ours, or, for the one with the right opportunity. She took it, for better or worse, the cat is out of the bag. Yes, I guess I do have a STBX, one way or another, and orientation has a lot to do with that. She is not, and I know this to be true from head to toe, positioning to get me out of their lives. She is raw and has had no time to process all of this herself. We've been in transition since September and our return from Hungary. She's been in Toronto for 5 weeks with the kids and we are all in different places and states right now. I know that she is doing her best from the resources that she has, and part of that is her frustration with me. This is why I'm going sooner than I had planned on. I am going with no huge expectations and a lot of open ended escape clauses. All the things about timelines that I wanted don't exist anymore. That said, we are fiercely united on protected our kids and getting them through this in one piece. That is something that I am incredibly thankful for. I hope and pray that our resolve holds and that we can do this as we have envisioned it. A new, modern family. She did tell them when they asked that this does not mean that mommy and daddy don't love them and that there will never be another mommy and daddy for them. No replacement parents is what she meant. We are in this as their parents and we are, and always will be, united in our love for them; even if not for each other. Thank you all for your posts. Have lots of packing to do tomorrow. I'll check back in and share some more happy stories, because I've got a few to share!
Oh my. Palimpsest, I wish you the best. I do not envy you the feeling I am sure you will have as you walk in that door, but remember the feeling you had as you walked away after sharing your honest self with your father, mother, grandmother... then imagine those feelings tenfold. This is not likely to be the last conversation you have with your kids on this topic, but it is likely the beginning of some of the most important and honest conversations you will have with them, and will likely set the stage for a whole lifetime of honest communication between you, and what more could any parent want? Good luck friend. You'll be in our thoughts. (&&&)
DB, thanks. Everyone thanks. I think I am now realizing just how much this really does bug me. My son is disappointed that I didn't tell him, I didn't have the chance. We were going to try to keep the big conversation off the table until after the move. So while it happened naturally, I think it did not need to happen on this scale. I hate how slow I can process some of this stuff, but its been hanging around the back of my mind like an albatross. The sense that something in this did not hit me right. That was not ecstatic about the news. While I don't think there was intentional slant in her presentation, it still is there that she allowed it out in the context of a much larger and different set of circumstances, and it the perceptions that those cause, that bug me I think. Oh well, it is packing day, I will push through this and get myself driving because I just want to hug them both and hold them. I miss my kids with all of my being.
Moving out of my home 3 weeks ago has been traumatic for me and I do think for my 17 year old son, although he is tight lipped about it; my daughter is away at college. Everyone I talk to about this tries to assure me that the move was right and it will open up the opportunity for a new life, and so on. But, I don't think so; I just think it was a mistake for my wife to insist I leave at this point since it's my sons last year before he goes to college. We should have waited; it was a bad time. Anyway, my son slept the whole day on my moving out day, which is not like him, he stayed up all night, the night before, with friends in the house, also not like him. Then at 6:00am, he went to sleep until 4pm when everything was moved out; aside from my father dying, it was the worst day of my life. Now, I have to make "arrangements" to see my son, which sucks. He will hang with me at times but it isn't the same. Anyway, just my opinion, but couldn't your wife have just said to the kids, " we need to wait for dad to be here to have this conversation; let's be patient and make a time when we can all talk together" ?
Something you must have rehearsed and imagined a thousand times--and then you find out it's happened and you weren't there. Hard to know where to go when events move faster than your ability to comfortably process them. Take it slow after the departure. Whatever the cause--those first days and weeks after a breakup are emotionally tough. I hope it's not long before a sense of liberation more than replaces the anxiety of going through a huge life change. Hugs!
