i went to a church and there was a mens group. it was not a gay church. there was a guy there that was instantly attracted to. we had to separate into smaller groups and he was in my group. we introduced ourselves and he smiled and was just so friendly and nice to me. i was so attracted to him i found it hard to even look at him in the face. i felt he was gay as well. at the end, we were all supposed to give all the men a hug after a prayer and he came over and he hug me. it was not a hug that was inappropriate. it was not a hug that guys to (a quick pat on the back). he opened his arms and embraced me. and there i stood, in this man's arms and i did not want him to let go. it was as though i was on an elevator that was free falling. that is how my stomach felt. i just remembered not wanting it to be over, and then as soon as it happened, it was over. afterward i saw him and he said my name and told me goodbye and smiled at me. i said goodbye. i never saw him again except one time after church and he was speaking to another guy. that was it. that happened many years ago and i still think about it. i think it was one of the points in my life when i experienced something i had always wanted to experience and never thought i would find. i never got his name and do not know anything about him, but i still think of the huge, that i had in church of all places, from the guy with the warm eyes and beautiful smile.
I think over-idealizing attractive men we bump into in life is universal to gay guys. I never experienced anything like that when I was dating girls, and I like girls plenty. But show me a guy I find attractive, suddenly he's an angel and every bit of mundane conversation is a passionate love letter. We so easily put men on a pedestal, worshipping false versions of them, creating whole narratives where none exist. Any guy on this site has experienced it once, at least. Most of the new posts coming in are young guys experiencing this for the first time. "Help, my friend is attractive, does that mean he's gay? Am I in love with him?" This is our shared pain.
thanks. you burst my gay bubble. ---------- Post added 24th Nov 2013 at 08:48 AM ---------- honestly the post was more about my self realization of how it felt to be attracted to another man in a situation in which i could no longer deny it to myself. it was less about pining away for the church guy who i never saw before or since. i think the feeling of the interaction on my part helped me to accept that this was not going to go away and i could not pray the gay away.
it was so many years ago. i live in a transient city where people come and go. i never saw him again or got/remembered his name so i can't facebook search. i come to see that interaction was more about self acknowledgement than it was about him. however, if i ever see him again, i would be very direct in terms of asking him out or getting his number.
I remember that when I was about 16 years old, I went to see a movie with my mom. After the movie, my mom went to the movie theater bathroom and I waited in the hall. There was a cute guy in the hall, waiting for some friends. I remember that he looked at me and I looked at him. He smiled at me. Normally, I would look away right away, but this time I smiled back. We stood there together looking at each other, maybe for just 30 seconds, but to me it felt like much longer. I felt butterflies in my stomach and my heart started to race. Then his friends came back and my mom came back. As I walked out to the parking lot, I glanced behind me and saw that he was glancing back at me, still smiling. My heart ached, but I knew I would never ever see this random guy again. Now whenever I am in a movie theater, I always look around to see if there is somebody looking back at me. Kinda pathetic, right?
maybe the universe provided you with that experience to get you closer to what you want. so that when it is presented to yourself again, you will not hesitate and will take action if you feel a unique and compelling guided urgency to do so.
Sometimes, it's those tender, very real situations that allow us to come to self realization, which can be the first step to acceptance. I recall the first time I fell for my guy...I did not care what the rest of the world thought; as far as I was concerned, it was just him and I who existed.
