I've battled a lot of depressed feelings for the last three years. It's taken a while for me to understand why, but I think I've now figured out what the issues are. But I have no clue how to proceed. About 18 years ago, I finished college. Graduating during a recession, it was an unhappy time for me. I was under-employed and treated to a barrage of wedding announcements from my hetero peers. These things made me feel like I had failed in life, but were the catalysts that led to me finally accepting that I am gay. This realization came about a year after college graduation. I still wasn't making enough money to get my own place. I worked with a gay therapist for about nine months, mainly on getting rid of internalized homophobia and learning about how to rebuild my life as a gay man. As the economy took an upturn, I got a better-paying job, got my own place, and put myself through grad school. After getting more established in my career, I decided to move away from the area where I grew up. For 10 years, I lived far away from home. I basked in the freedom of being away from relatives and was able to live a bit more openly. While I never came out at work, I built up a social circle exclusively through "gay things" (MCC church, gay men's chorus, gay men's spirituality groups, etc.). Then I lost my job during the late-2000s financial crisis and was forced to scramble to find another one. I did, but it required moving back to the area where I grew up. Moving back was a rude awakening. My standard of living was reduced (higher cost of living, had to sell my dream home and settle for lesser digs), and I got the feeling that I am living in a "fishbowl" again, constantly in fear of homophobic relatives "spotting" me hanging around gay guys. Despite the fear, I haven't let this stop me from doing what I need to do socially. I joined some gay men's social groups for brunches, wine tastings, concerts, square dancing, etc. I've talked to my friends, who think it unlikely I will be "spotted" since the phobic relatives live in exurban areas, whereas most of the gay life is in the city. I live in a suburban area, but as far away from the relatives as possible. Another thing that contributes to this "fishbowl" feeling is there have been occasional gay-baiting comments from my relatives over the last 10-15 years. I suspect that conversations have taken place behind my back in which they speculated about my being gay. But this speculation doesn't seem to have made them like gays any better. They still oppose marriage equality, think being gay is morally wrong, etc. My approach has been to avoid taking the bait and engaging with them. I also feel like my career has hit a dead end. Jobs in my profession are being eliminated through automation and off-shore outsourcing. I was 'outed' to a co-worker (by an ex's friend), and have a lingering suspicion that gay rumors contributed to my being marginalized and pushed out of the organization. I found another job quickly, but it's a temporary position that could end at any moment. Eighteen years ago, my "coming out" strategy was to AVOID coming out to straight people. Since I was not real close with these relatives, and had very few (not very close) straight guy friends, I decided to just let the friendships lapse when I moved away and invest no more effort in the relatives. So despite identifying as gay for most of my adult life, I have little experience with outing myself to straight people. And the couple of times that straight people found out, it was disastrous for me (being shunned, losing a job). About two years ago, I met the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is understanding of the closeted situation with my relatives. I think that it would be better if I could scoop him up and move to another city. But that won't happen any day soon due to his family obligations, which keep him in the area. So now I can't seriously entertain the option of just moving away from all these issues again ... and I am lost. What is the catalyst for me writing this today? While these issues have been building up for years, something my mother said last week is making me freak out. She is aging and beginning to think about end-of-life issues (though she likely has 10 more years left). She said I should have bought a house with a mother-in-law suite, so she could move in when she gets old and frail. She also asked why I'm opposed to multiple generations living under one roof. She talked about some relatives who have three generations cohabiting (mother, daughter, and grandchild). I think I would rather die than suffer the indignity of living with my mother again, especially as a middle-aged adult. After all, I stayed in the nest about 5-6 years too long, when I was in my 20s. I promised myself when I moved out, that I would never again live with a parent. Never. My freedom to be who I am depends upon having my own place, and I am not giving that up. Given the lack of job security and the trouble brewing with relatives, I find myself wanting to ditch my possessions and start over in another place. But the man of my dreams can't move with me, at least not within the next couple of years. So I don't know what to do...
Hi Piano71, welcome to EC! I think you do know what to do...but it's something you have avoided facing until you have found yourself in a corner at this moment in time. Fact is, you are a grown man who has the capability of making his own choices in life. You do need to examine what staying in the closet is doing to you and to your relationship. Few such relationships survive one member being closeted for very long, it's just too much of a strain to constantly live in secrecy and it's frustrating for the out partner (despite appearances). You need to find the courage to come out, and to face the consequences, one of which is a positive, your mother will likely not stay with you! Distancing yourself from homophobic family does not necessarily imply moving away (though that helps). They will most likely shun you, which is the next (best?) thing... Nothing ever changes without courage, nothing changes until someone does the hard thing...Be strong; the man of your dreams is worth it!
greatwhale - I have thought about this. Coming out to relatives is much more complicated for me than for many others. My mom divorced my dad when I was a teenager. About 18 months after separating, my mom discovered (by chance) that my dad had a cross-dressing fetish (despite his insisting he was completely str8). He may have been gay or bi-curious. After all, when my dad died, there was a dildo in his apartment. My mom used gender issues and homophobia to press for a more favorable divorce / child-support settlement. If I were to come out as gay, she would dismiss me as "just like my dad" and kick me to the curb. I am not financially dependent on her now, but my career is on the rocks, and I can't afford to burn bridges right now. Homophobia earned an extra $150/mo in child support (in 1987), extending to my 21st birthday. If not for that, I would have been nothing. I wouldn't have finished college or made anything of myself. So homophobia got money to keep me fed and get me through college. I am grateful for those opportunities, but gay men's blood is on my hands. Should I have stood up for gays and been thrown out when I was 16? And made nothing of myself, but had the integrity of being 'out' from the get-go? My mom has repeatedly said that gays should just stay in the closet and not talk about it. So I am doing that. More and more, I think the gay community is my real "family," but I resist the cliché of becoming another hated / abandoned gay son. I don't know why, other than to transcend the usual expectations. As for my partner, I talked to him about these issues today. He reassured me that he doesn't think less of me because of the issues about my mom. (He came out to his mom, but was rejected. He doesn't completely regret it, but understands my situation.) One of many reasons why he is a keeper. If it comes down to brass tacks, I choose him over my homophobic relatives. (That's a no-brainer...) I just wish the world were a better place and I didn't have to worry about these things.
What greatwhale said. "Just do it". If mom wants to "kick you to the curb", then she isn't worth being concerned about when she goes looking for a free room with a view to pass judgement in, and pass away in. You have found your real family; take care of him, come out to those you need to, and screw the relatives that don't like knowing you are gay.
After talking to my SO and some friends about it, I have a better idea today of what I should do. Part of why my "closeted" situation with relatives isn't testing the relationship is that my SO has a similar thing going on. He had a son from a previous relationship with a woman. His son lives with him now. Though he is out to his son, he isn't comfortable having dates at his place (doesn't want his son to walk in during an intimate moment). I don't plan to come out to my mom and her extended family immediately. I don't see much good coming from a big confrontation that will make everyone unhappy. However, if I truly end up with my back up against a wall about the living situation, I will do so then. Realistically, I think this issue is about 10 years away. Since my mom is generally healthy, she doesn't need a caretaker looking after her. Mainly, she is looking to reduce her housework / home upkeep burden. So I will encourage her to find an independent-living senior apartment. Meanwhile, in the next few years, I will change my own living situation. I am thinking of selling the suburban place and downsizing to a smaller place in the city. I may need to move to a different part of town the next time I change jobs anyway, so as to avoid a long commute. That would accomplish two things - get me closer to the gay community, and head off this situation at the pass.
Hi Piano71 - There is nothing more hurtful than a closed and locked mind. There is nothing you can do to change that in your relatives. Their thinking is what all their friends think and it would be a "crime" for them to think otherwise. To actually show compassion toward someone and be accepting is not something they are going to do. You strike me as an intelligent and compassionate person, move on and those that want to will follow.
Well, I survived Thanksgiving. Nobody asked any questions about me, but... I did have a relative who got upset at the "Kinky Boots" segment of the Macy's parade. She didn't like that there were drag queens (and thus gay visibility) on TV. Interestingly, I had another relative who may be a "fruit fly" in training. She carried on about how "Kinky Boots" won a bunch of Tony awards, and how she just *has* to see the show! So at least I have one non-phobic relative...
