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My Story

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by L33, Nov 26, 2013.

  1. L33

    L33
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    Were to start eh.

    Well as a kid I remember feeling different and I was always a bit sensative to comments which just got me bullied more. Moving school a lot didnt help but I always kind of knew I wasnt straight. My step Dad was a dick and beat my mum regularly because she hid things from him. She only hid more because she was terrified of him. I didnt know he wasnt my real father until I was 13 and whenever he would toy fight with my younger brother and I, I would always end up hurt. Ive never been sure if this was because he hurt me more to get rid of me or because I was a bit of a whimp.

    Left school had girlfriend of 4 years, great girl and a great sex life. I remember being so in love that she was the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. I ended up treating her like shit in the end and that came to an end mostly due to my shocking attitude.

    I went on for a while with a new croud that was kind of crazy, lots of nights out and screwed loads of chicks. Not that I was ever that great at picking them up, I would just often screw some drunk chick or whatever. I then met this lovely little blonde who I feel for more her looks. She fit the bill I guess, but god was that relationship a nightmare. We just faught all the time to the point it got violent. We actually had some amazing sex that I remember clearly to this day. In the end I let her go as I couldnt take the fighting anymore. During that time my mother had left my step dad and was alone. Thing still lingered in my head about my sexuality and I tried to wank it away to straght porn or by fucking chicks. I burried it, I was lonely and scared so I sold my property and went travelly as a snowboard instructor.

    Loads of girls fell at my feet for the first time, I was confident and had an accent I guess. Still guys cought my eye though. I then met this stunning and sexy american chick when I lived in utah. I fell so hard for her and we has sex like ive never ever had, so much passion it was incredible. I was torn from her when my visa ran out and ive never ever felt so much pain in my heart.

    I returned from traveling after about 3 years and I was mega depressed I continued to only masterbate over chicks but something was still lingering in my mind. I then met my current girlfriend (kind of). She was reluctant to get involved as she had some bad experiences, some friends talked her around and we have again had a strained relationship. I was depressed, defensive and critical of her.

    She made me start to see someone and I got through my depression, we were ok for a while but I could never stop being critical of her. I went back to therapy and have been studying compassion based therapy. This is teaching me to love myself and is ultimatley leading me to question my sexuality properly to myself for the first time.

    I notice women all the time and im always checking them out. I love how beutiful they are and often cant take my eyes off a girl. However I get a different feeling with a good looking guy it more like my mouth waters and I get a bit shy. I keep going between being gay and bi. I though I was gay but still if not more when I thought that I kept thinking about girls. Im really bad for getting busted looking at boobs if a girl has a low top on for example.

    My girlfriend and I split up while I sort my head out but she came to see me the other week and we slept together, the sex was great. I dont want to hurt her anymore though im really struggling with how to deal with this.

    Ill leave it there, I think thats enough to get going.
     
  2. Tightrope

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    I don't know. It's complicated. I'm thinking you are somewhere on the bisexual spectrum.

    You like the sex, but have trouble getting along with women. You also mention you like good looking guys. Let me tell you this. I was once working out, and this guy came in, and you could have heard a pin drop. It was a really small gym, so you could sense that every guy in there, with and without wedding band, was taken aback by this guy. You haven't been clear as to whether you've experienced sex with another guy, and this could help some. However, your having angst over it indicates some level of attraction.

    I really think your therapist needs to sort this out with you. It's complicated, from what I read here. And you're therapist should be impartial, leaning neither to a hetero or G/B ideal for you. The way you're wired is you, and only you, and not for the therapist to manipulate or cajole.
     
  3. L33

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    Hi, thanks for your reply. No I have never had sex with a guy. Ive kissed mates but just messing about taking the piss.

    The other thing that confuses me is that my girl friend only needs to talk to me lovingly on the phone for my penis to start moving. A cute guy can draw me in though but I tried looking at gay porn and it didnt really do anything for me. I kind of feel like I could be gay but that ive tricked my dick into thinking im straight. Its all a bit of a mess and strangly as I was begining to except I could be gay im now not sure again. The last thing I want to do is settle down and then destroy lives.

    I agree about talking to my therapist though. Im going to do that next week.
     
  4. DesertTortoise

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    It's desire that determines. Not the label you give it. If you don't know what you want, searching for the right label is a distraction from the kind of real work you need to do--maybe with a good therapist.

    Happy to see you working on the compassion thing. Without that, you should wear a shirt with big letters: WOMEN STAY AWAY! DANGEROUS MAN WITH ISSUES! Seriously. Getting violent with a woman--or partner, even once, is once too much. Stay away from sex till you get that worked out. Seriously. Until then, you're not ready for it--and they don't deserve it.

    ---------- Post added 26th Nov 2013 at 02:50 PM ----------

    Oh, I like to look at women. I don't stare or oogle. More the way I look at anything that interests me as an artist--no arousal power in it. Fewer men I like to look at that way--but when I see one...

    I hear George Takei going... Oh My!
     
  5. Sailorsheart

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    L33 - I think the saying goes, "Love is never wrong". I have some idea of what you are going through. In my younger days, and even when I was married, I still was in the "hunting mode" for women. Now that I am more honest with myself I find that a stable relationship with a man would be a much better situation. This is a real revelation for me.

    I also agree that you need to go to a therapist to deal with the violence issues. That is never good. Good luck.
     
  6. Spaceman

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    Classic!
     
  7. L33

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    Thanks guys. Ive been seeing a therapist for a while now, we have been mostly working on my shame and my compassion. My shame has been discussed as coming from my childhood which I think is true but that was created from me not feeling good enough for my step father. I always felt like I was the black sheep and realising I felt differently made this even worse.

    I just can't imagine being with a guy, ive never masterbated over a man. If anything I think ive tried to wank and shag myself straight. I've had wet dreams with both sex but neither for a long time. I tried watching gay porn but it didnt really do anything for me. I can't deny that a guy can catch my eye and that I feel drawn though.

    I know most people I'm freinds was wouldnt care and im not close to any family. I have a good friend who can be very vocal in his homophobea, I worry about his reaction or how it who change our friendship.

    My girlfriend and I live apart as I work through my issues. She is coming to see me tomorrow but I dont feel ready to tell her and ive not fully accepted it myself. I worry about work too, I work in the oil industry which can be very matcho. Luckily I work in the office now and not on a rig which would be very hard. I also worry about shaming my girlfriend and the shit she will have to deal with.

    For now I think im just going to tell her that I think I need to be single while I sort myself out and that she should move on. It feels right to set her free but I worry that shes not stupid, infact she is very intuative.
     
  8. L33

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    Aaarrrg she isnt buying that I'm letting her go because I need to sort my head. Thing is I just dont want to tell her yet as I dont feel ready. I'm not sure myself but I feel like I'm going to be under pressure tomorrow. I really wanted to work through this in counseling first.
     
  9. link4816

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    I think maybe you need to find some better porn. :slight_smile:
     
  10. L33

    L33
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    To be honest link I'm still struggling with the idea of having sex with a man. I just can't imagine myself doing it, very cliché I'm sure.
     
  11. L33

    L33
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    So an update. My girlfriend came round, she expected us to get back together but I basically told her that I couldn't because I was scared I would hurt her again. This is true but I wasn't ready to tell her what I'm really going through.

    I went to my councillor this afternoon and I told her that I was struggling with my sexuality. It felt good to tell someone but wasn't really a weight of due to wanting to be with my girlfriend but not being sure that it's right.

    Could be bisexual and committed to her without needing a connection with men. I don't have a drive for sex with me but I do recognise an attraction.

    The outcome of the council in was that I will take my time to allow my feeling to flow naturally and try to understand them. Does anyone have any further advice for my journey of self discovery?
     
  12. greatwhale

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    There is a technique, as it were, that has been promoted here to gain some clarity on the question. It's a thought-experiment that will take about 4 days. It may be worth a try:

    Tomorrow morning, wake up gay. The moment your eyes open, you are gay (it's all pretend but bear with me).

    Nothing else in your life will have changed, only you now see yourself as gay. You will need to observe yourself in "gay-mode", bring a little notepad to jot down your impressions and observations; notice who you are noticing, notice what you are thinking (apart from "this is ridiculous and it'll never work", LOL).

    Wear this identity for two straight (so to speak) days. On the third and fourth days, wake up straight, do the same exercise as above, observe yourself carefully and take down notes.

    I cannot guarantee that you will have more clarity, no one can, but it may turn out to be a useful exercise because it involves to a certain extent your conception of yourself and your emotions.

    It has worked for others here. As I said, it's worth a try!
     
  13. L33

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    Thanks Greatwhale I'll give that a try.
     
  14. Lindsay11

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    Being bi is probably more difficult and confusing than being straight or gay. Please find a therapist to talk to as soon as possible. Don't think that because you're confused that something is wrong with you. That's not the case at all.
     
  15. L33

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    Thanks Lindsay, I have been seeing a therapist for sometime and the work I have done with her on acceptance is most likely what has lead me to examine my sexuality. I told her on Friday that I was having dificulties with my sexuality. The conclusion on the session was that I would go away and try to have compassion for myself and live without judgement accepting my feelings. I have to say I have been trying to doothat for a few days but I'm no clearer.

    I will have to decide if this therapist can help me. I'm not sure she has much experience in this area although I'm sure I caught her off guard.
     
  16. Juniper

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    greatwhale, I've been quietly looking through the forums as I get my bearings here and just wanted to thank you for the suggestion you gave l33. I'm going to give it a try myself. Perhaps l33 and I will both find some clarity :grin:
     
  17. greatwhale

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    Excellent! We expect a full report of your findings, complete with a detailed comparative analysis...and charts! :grin:

    (best of luck; "pretending" or "acting as if" is powerful stuff)
     
  18. L33

    L33
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    I'm still trying to come to a full conclusion although I'm definatley more open and accepting of my feelings. I'm currently seeing a couple of therapists, one I have been seeing for a long time and has been a great help to me concerning my childhood and anger issues etc. The other I went to in the hope of them helping me figure out and come to terms with my sexuality however I'm not very happy that we are concentrating on and making the progress in the area that I hoped. I'm going to be very clear with her next time I see her in telling her what I hope to get from the sessions. If she can't help I'm going to look else where.

    Problem in I can't find anyone in my home town that does that kind of thing. I thought perhaps a skype or phone session with a LGBT specialist might be the way to go but I've not found anyone.

    I'm in the UK by the way. Anyone have any ideas? Perhaps I could speak with a charity or helpline.
     
  19. PeteNJ

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    It IS a big leap from thinking I'm attracted to guys to visualizing yourself having, um, that kind of sex.

    Sex with women was great in terms of intimacy. Sometimes mind blowingly so. And while I sure appreciated what happened with all the parts and bits.... there was a mind f*ck about it, too, because I kept noticing men.

    It wasn't until I saw a real amateur porn video of 2 men absolutely making love, having every kind of sex, that I got that could and should be me. Watching overly huge porn stars having sex in insane positions and doing unimaginable things... didn't seem real. And it sure as hell isn't intimate.

    All the best finding a therapist that can work with you on this. For years I only had female therapists. When I needed to deal with my sexuality, for me it had to be a man. Not only because I needed to do this work with someone who I could relate to and who could directly relate to me, I wanted to have a man because for me I needed to work out being vulnerable and open with men - and modeling that with my therapist has been key.
     
  20. Highlander2

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    I agree with Pete regarding the whole sex thing. For me gay porn is fine up to a point, but seeing some of the amateur stuff where guys are actually, really, in the throes of passion is a total turn on and makes me realise what I really want. My experience so far with the guy I met has confirmed that sex with a man is a totally different type of sex and the connection I felt with him was immense. Greatwhale, since I came out to my wife simply going into town is an altered experience. I find myself feeling more confident and making eye contact with guys without a fear factor that I'll be 'discovered'. The feeling grows and feeds on itself. Suppose it's confidence building.