Came Out to My Ex-Wife This Morning

I have taken several small steps towards coming out over the past six months, but took the biggest step so far this morning.

My ex-wife and I are still very good friends and have always worked together while raising our two sons. They are now 27 and 30. I have always intended to come out to her prior to telling my sons so that she would have time to process my being gay and be prepared if my sons came asking questions when I tell them.

My intent was to wait until after the holidays before telling anyone, but was talking with my ex this morning, and felt the time was right. She was aware that I’ve been seeing a therapist for a while and working through some self-esteem issues and just trying to figure out at age 56 who I really am.

Anyway, we were talking and I told her that what she knew about my work with the therapist was a big part of the issue, but that there was also another large part that I needed to tell her. With that I told her I was gay; she had a stunned look on her face and said “you are”, and I said yes.

From there we spent the next hour discussing it. She said that she had no idea I was gay and was totally blown away by this news. She was very supportive and said that it didn’t make any difference what my sexuality was, she just wanted me to be happy.

And just as I thought might happen, while telling her and talking about it, I felt another large chunk of weight lift off my shoulders. There is still a lot of weight left, but I’m sure that as I let the people that are important in my life know it will get lighter and lighter until it is no longer there.

We discussed my telling our sons and both feel that their response will be much like hers and that it will not be a big deal. We also agreed that I should tell them next and then let them have a few weeks to process the news before telling the rest of my family. So the intent now is to tell them while I’m down for the Christmas holidays, waiting for a day or two after Christmas day.

Following telling my sons, my goal is to come down sometime in January to tell my mom, brother, three sisters and a very good friend.

I feel so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life and couldn’t have asked for a better response from my ex-wife.

I also want to say thank you to all of you who participate on this forum, because what I have gleaned from your experiences here, went a long way in giving me the courage to take this big step.

This has been a great start and it’s onward and upward from here…

 

Thank you all for the congratulations and support, as I said previously, being able to read of others experiences on here played a huge roll in giving me the courage to take this step. We all are dealing with similar issues in regards to our sexuality and I can’t think of a better support group than all of you here on EC.

It was a big step, but I feel so much better for having taken the step, and am actually looking forward to telling my sons and family. I know things will not always be rosy, and not everyone may take the news as well as my ex, but I think I’m ready for that.

Rose, thank you and I’m giving you permission to say EPIC whenever you feel it’s appropriate, because it made my day. Thanks again.

Dragon, I joined EC about the same time you did back in August and would never have believed then that I would have the courage to do this, this soon. But the encouragement and support I see on this site everyday made me believe that I too, could do it someday. Yesterday was my start, your time will come when you’re ready, and only you will know when that is. As I said in the original post I didn’t come down for the holidays intending to come out to my ex this weekend, but the time felt right and for me it was a very positive experience. Take your time and don’t let anyone push you, you’ll know when the time is right for you.

Spaceman & arturoenrico, in regards to my divorce, I could give you a long litany of our marriage, (and started to). But the long and short of it is we were married for 24 years and have two sons we couldn’t be more proud of. But as time went by we grew in different directions and finally came to the conclusion that we were better at being friends than husband and wife. I still consider her one of my best friends and will always love her, just not as a husband.

As I had stated in a previous novel that I posted, I discovered my attraction to men when I was around 25 years old. I had purchased some adult gay men’s magazines which she found one day, and confronted me with. She asked if I was gay, and I answered truthfully at that time that I was curious about men and thought that I could be bisexual. So I thought she might have had some clue when I told her; we actually talked about that incident yesterday and she said that at the time she just thought I was a young oversexed male and everything turned me on.

Throughout our marriage I had thoughts of men, but never acted on them until after our divorce was final. So in spring 2004 at the age of 47 I had my first experience with another man and thoroughly enjoyed it, it felt so natural and normal to be with a man. But, let me say at that time it also felt natural and normal to be with a woman.

It was late 2009 when I came to the realization that I preferred men and was very possibly gay. Since then it has been a struggle figuring this all out and determining who the real me is. When I say who the real me is it goes beyond just my sexuality. I have struggled with self-esteem issues since junior high school, and became a very good chameleon, figuring out what other people wanted or expected and giving them that even when it wasn’t who I really was. Now here I am at age 56 trying to figure out who the real me is. Just as with my sexuality, I will figure the rest out too it will just take a little time and the help of those who really care.

Once again, I thank all of you for sharing your experiences, both good and bad for without knowing both sides we would never be able to move forward.