I have to say that I've been surprised at how many of us here married someone of the opposite sex. I knew I wasn't alone in that, but never would have guessed there are so many of us out there. So, I've been curious: What place were you at when you said "I do" to your spouse? Even for me, it's a combination of reasons, but the primary one for me was that I was trying to hide/deny my sexuality. What was the primary reason for you?
It was the next stepping stone in the path of expectations that had been laid out before me at birth and he fit the profile of a "good husband" best. As a coworker at the time described him, he was a solid "Ken" (to my "Barbie" - not that I ever fit that profile, even in those first couple of years when I really really tried.) But honestly, despite my vociferous pronouncements to the contrary throughout high school and college, I always knew, in the back of my mind, that when the time came I would do exactly as expected, because as "the good child" that's what I always did.
Adam, at the time I got married I can honestly say I had never thought about boys or men. I didn’t discover my attraction to men until I was 25 and had been married for 4-5 years. This was the early 80’s, I was married and even though I was curious about men, I didn’t act on my attraction until after my divorce at age 47. As much as I know now that I am gay, I would not have given up the 24 years I was married. The majority of those years were great, I loved my wife, we had a great sex life and we had two wonderful sons. But now this is a new chapter in life and I’m ready to see what it holds for me.
Adam - Felt the pressure of society to be married. It was what people did and should have known better at my age, 29. I was nowhere near what she wanted and I have to say there were things about her that should raised a red flag. She settled and so did I and that was the wrong decision. The only good to come from the marriage was two great kids that I have stayed as close to as possible.
This is a really interesting poll. I'm glad it's closed, to make it more comfortable for people. It will be interesting to see the distribution of reasons as more people respond. I have reneged on the institution and have caught a lot of flack, which would have been the pressure component. For those who tried it, even if it didn't work out, I applaud you for your rationales going in, your courage going in, your rationales getting out, and your courage exiting, whether you have actually done so on paper and/or physically, or through an honest assessment.
nwor55 - You are right. I should have included an option in the poll to say "I wasn't aware of my same sex attraction when I got married." I didn't think of that, but that is definitely true for some people. Sailorsheart - I'm right there with you... I did feel some pressure, and it was the wrong decision for me to get married. In retrospect, I think we were both settling, but I don't think either of us thought that at the time.
Although I voted "trying to hide or deny my sexuality", basically any of the first 3 options fit. I did genuinely love her, as much as I was capable of it, and while I didn't feel any overt pressure to get married, it was really presented to me growing up as the "right" and proper thing to do, so I did feel somewhat compelled to do it.
I'd have to say that I was less hiding my sexuality, more suppressing it. Bottom line it would have been socially (in the family) suicide to have come out. I look back now and ask what's the difference... I moved away and never went back. I essentially exiled the family from me over the long term. Also, I can't imagine my life without my daughters... In the end, everything happens when it's supposed to happen. Sometimes, it's just a mystery.
There were several reasons why i got married even though i knew i was gay: 1) I did love her. Up to that point, i had only dated 1 other girl. We were best friends and i figured since we were friends that it would work out and my feelings of being gay would go away (which they didnt) 2)My home life at the time wasnt great. We were actually "homeless" for a while. Both my brother and sister were heavy into drinking and drugs and i just wanted to get out of that situation. 3)I guess the biggest reason was that i simply didnt have the courage to come out and be true to myself. I feel guilty everyday that i wasnt honest with her and myself. If i just had more courage, then maybe both of us would have been much happier. I dont regret however having 2 wonderful children.
Hi gm42 - Your reasons 1 and 3 could easily have been written by me also. I did love her, I had only dated 1 other woman in my life, and really thought it would last forever. I lacked the courage to come out at that time also and to accept myself, which is why I say for me the primary reason is that I was trying to hide my sexuality. I don't regret having my 2 children either. They are my entire life now that my wife has passed away.
Hi Adam1212, Sorry about the passing of your wife. I knew there were other people in my siituation, but didnt realize there would be this many. Alot of these posts really seem like a book about my life.
For me, I genuinely loved her and thought that would be enough to keep any urges suppressed for the rest of my life. I wanted to be married, I wanted kids, I wanted a family like the one I grew up in. She was a wonderful person, the sex was great (in the beginning) and she gave me the life I dreamed of, including two wonderful children. What I didn't count on was the psychological toll of life in the closet. I didn't anticipate the longterm depression that comes from denying who your are...to the point you question if life is worth living. And I didn't predict the toll that it would take on our marriage. So I came out to her and blew up her world. The guilt I feel can be overwhelming. But living a lie was causing anguish for both of us. Speaking the truth seemed like the only answer.
Hi When I married in 1988 at the age of 28 I had no idea I had any attraction to guys despite knowing many openly gay guys in amateur theatre groups I was involved in. My wife, who met me after seeing me perform in musicals (big hint that I missed), married me because I was a “safe pair of hands” not a sports loving, football mad, beer swilling kind of guy, but a kind and sensitive sort of guy. Sale Gay Guy
The first two apply to me. When I was 26, I believed that my wife was all I needed in terms of relationships - an excellent partner in my life. I had been dealing with my homosexual urges with gay porn and figured that as long as I could continue to do that, I could be content. Then, when I was about 28, I felt this compulsion to want to have a male "friend" in my life to complement my wife. I really did think all I needed was a friend, not a new sexual partner or anything like that. I even told her how much I just wanted to have a male best friend. I realize now that this was a kind of psychological trick I was playing on myself to cover up my intense longing for an emotional connection with another man. That longing was beginning to interfere with my marriage. Then, by a twist of fate, my wife found the porn.
It's very interesting how a solid majority in the poll say that they married their spouse because they genuinely loved them. I did too, but I didn't vote for that option in part because after I realized that our marriage wasn't going to work, I asked myself, "Gee, I do love my wife, but perhaps I don't (and never did) love her to the full extent that a wife expects her husband to love her." A follow up question to those who selected that option might be: When your spouse found out you were gay, would they then have agreed with you that you married them because you genuinely loved them? Or would do they now believe you were just being deceitful from the beginning? In my case, my wife pretty much accused me of being a fraud with her. I admit to being less than honest, but yet I did genuinely love her, and that part was truthful.
