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What to do.....

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Confused3063, Dec 1, 2013.

  1. Confused3063

    Confused3063 Guest

    Hi,
    I find myself starting a thread here on the advice of Mirko. I am a married man, aged 50 I have known that I am gay for a long time, yet repressed it for the sake of my marriage and children. Seven months ago, I met another man, aged 51. We have since fallen in love. He is also married with younger children than mine. We are both runners and are able to enjoy some time together that way, and see each as often as we can in other situations such as sports event, etc. I find I am becoming very frustrated in the sense where I want to be with him more and more. Yet, for us to come out as a couple would be a big thing. While we live in the city, we are both well known people. I am confused and I guess, I need someone to talk to. I've considered a therapist but again, I would have to find someone outside the city I can build trust in ... I am hoping this site may prove to be of some help. If you need to know more, ask.

    Thanks to anyone who might be 'listening'.....
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hi Confused3063, and welcome to EC!

    There are so many things to consider in both your situations. There are the unpredictable reactions from spouses and friends, the financial/legal factors with regard to separation/divorce (if it comes to that), the potential for both of you to form a life together afterwards, and looking further ahead, what kinds of arrangements are possible after the dust has settled.

    One thing is for sure, your frustration will grow with the status quo, the absences, both physical and intimate will become harder to explain, and the lies will become harder to invent.

    A therapist will be good to clarify things, but finding the courage to lead a life of integrity must come from inside. What are you willing to risk?

    One last thing, a big risk is that you may be willing to come out and change your life, but how sure are you the he is willing to do the same for you, at the same time?
     
  3. Confused3063

    Confused3063 Guest

    Thanks greatwhale.
    I have thought of all those things but it is somewhat reassuring to hear someone else voice them.
     
  4. vamonos

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    Just continue to do what you're doing. Keep it on the down low. Be happy that you found a male lover and enjoy it while it lasts.
     
  5. Spaceman

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    Hi Confused and welcome. You'll find a lot of older, married guys in similar boats here in the "later in life" section. Reading through prior posts will give you a good feel for the challenges, heartaches and successes that could lie ahead for you.

    I know I hated hearing this as I was struggling to decide whether to come out to my wife (which I ended up doing), but no one, even a therapist, will be able to tell you what to do. You'll have to weigh the pros and cons for you, your family, your career and make the choice that feels right. These are cases where there's no win-win situation. There will be pain either way. All you can do is arm yourself with information and do what your heart and your gut is telling you to do.
     
  6. Confused3063

    Confused3063 Guest

    Thanks Spaceman
     
  7. Lindsay11

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    Confused, please consider the impact of your decisions on others, especially your children. I struggle with this myself because my decision isn't just about me. I know that you have considered this among other things or you wouldn't be confused. Please see a therapist or another person who can help you sort out the right path for your future.
     
  8. ormanout

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    My experience is that you would be wise to separate the two issues....that of your need to come out....and that of being attracted to and in love with another man. The combination makes for a very difficult and messy situation. I have been down the path of falling in love with someone, only to find that he had no interest in leaving his marriage, or couldn't manage the complexities of coming out late in life. While it may be easier to leave a marriage for someone....the right thing to do is to leave your marriage for your own identity and reasons....then if he's able to take the same steps....he's there and available. The challenges of leaving a marriage due to sexual identity are so huge, managing two such processes within a new relationship feels like astronomical odds.
     
    Joolz66 likes this.
  9. Confused3063

    Confused3063 Guest

    Thanks everyone. Your comments and a couple of glasses of wine have led me to what I believe is the only solution I can see. It is not the best for anyone as no one will come out a winner; however, it is the only option I see. If nothing else, it will end the confusion and many feelings I just can't deal with anymore.

    Cheers to all