I haven't visited EC for awhile now, but I always knew it was here. I'm around 40....and just feeling so lost. I'm sure others have been in the same situation. I knew my attraction was to women in my teens. Perhaps middle school, but high school for sure. I remember thinking, when I hit 18, that I couldn't wait to turn 21, because then I could go to the gay bars and meet people. I had no idea how to meet anyone "like me" then, and the internet certainly wasn't really around yet! I waited and waited for that 21st. I never knew anyone who was gay. Well, I met one once, she was a friend of a friend, and she was very butch (really not so much my thing...it would depend I guess), but I remember just gazing at her, feeling jealous, feeling bad, that she had so much strength to live the way she knew she was. I was raised strict Catholic, which may have something to do with the way I'm choosing to live my life. How's that? Married. To a man. That 21st birthday came and went, and I didn't have the courage to act on my true feelings. I didn't even date a man, let alone have sex, until after 18. And even then, I did because it was something I felt I was "supposed" to do. Do I enjoy sex with a man? Sure. I know nothing different. But my emotional attachment, especially, is not to men. I have a friend. We have been friends for more than two decades. Back when I definitely realized "who" I was on the inside. We have been friends THIS long. She knows everything about me. Except this. I've never spoken a word about my true feelings. Instead, I have lived the way I was raised was the "right" way. This friend of mine, everyone thought she was gay. And really, aside from a couple times, she's never really dated anyone. She's older than I am. We are very close.... we truly know about everything about each other. She knows me better than I know myself. She brings up the topic of lesbians a lot. Perhaps it's because for so long, people assumed she was. There was a time people thought WE were together. Nope. Never happened. I'm a hugger and a cheek kisser with everyone I care about. She was NOT a huggy person, and she to this day claims she will NEVER kiss a woman. I kiss her on the cheek every time I see her. I kiss all of my close friends on the cheek. I've come up behind her, while she's sitting down, and kissed the top of her head. She's always said "thank you." So I don't believe she dislikes that I show her this affection. She lives her life by way of God. She is VERY religious, spiritual, she's Christian, but of no particular denomination. She used to attend a nondenominational church, but no longer does, just practices her spirituality on her own at home. She has said numerous times that gay is WRONG. As much as she brings it up, it makes me wonder if she's trying to remind herself of this constantly. So here I am. Living the life I was trained to live. Am I happy? Not exactly. My husband is very kind and respectful to me, we get along well, and I thoroughly enjoy being a parent. I would never want to hurt my husband. But I know I have a "crush" on this very long term friend, this friend who I have suspicions that she feels the same as me, doing what we were raised was "right" or "normal." I don't think I could ever admit to her that I have stronger feelings for her than I let on. We tell each other we love each other with every conversation. We are in touch often, sometimes daily, and see each other fairly regularly. I will occasionally go to her house and spend the night, and I share her bed. She will come here, and we will share a bed as well, falling asleep to movies in a spare bedroom we have. We will watch movies together, snuggled up (more me than her, but she has), I'm usually laying on her lap, her hand on my head or shoulder. We are SO close. I just have this feeling that we both feel the same way, but neither will bring it up. I would hate to jeopardize this friendship by saying how I truly feel, should I be reading her wrong, but she brings up the subject of lesbians so often, it makes me feel like she's talking herself out of it. Through discussions we have had, we're both a bit asexual, neither of us have the desire to have sex, with anyone. Although for me, when I do, sure, I enjoy it. I am nowhere near to the point of telling her how I really feel. How I've felt the whole time I've known her, not necessarily being attracted to her, but just knowing that I desired closeness with WOMEN over men. She talks so anti-gay, not bashing, just that being gay is wrong in God's eyes. It's a sin. I truly enjoy my closeness with her. I believe that she enjoys it also. But I feel like there's this one secret neither will tell the other. It is the only thing in my life I have ever kept from her. For over two decades I have kept this from her. I'd love to bring it up, just to talk about if nothing else, but I'm afraid of losing her, if I'm reading her completely wrong. I would love thoughts. Her actions show me one thing, but her words something completely different. I'm quite afraid that I will live like this forever, the way I'm "supposed" to, but not being true to myself...which means my whole life is a lie. I don't want to grow old knowing this, but I don't feel there's an alternative at this point. Anyone else where I am? Lots of factors in this post, I understand.... :bang:
That was quite the read. I really feel for your story.. Even though I don't nearly share as much experience as you do, I have an inkling as to what you feel like. Ironically enough, it's how I ended up with my boyfriend (Albeit it was on a much shorter scale than yours) The way I came to the conclusion of stating my true feelings was simply ripping the bandaid off, sometimes it's just the only way to do things. If you over-think them, you get nervous and scared. If you two are really as close as you say you are, then even if you tell her your true feelings toward women, not necessarily her in particular, then I'm sure she wouldn't up and leave all that she's built with you. I really hope you find closure to this problem, and my heart goes out to you.
Thanks! You are VERY wise for your age. And I do believe you are right. Overthinking is the story of my life! LOL
It sounds like your cuddling is bed is pretty intimate and not the kind of thing I'd imagine many straight middle-aged female friends do (but what do I know). Seem like you could use one of those opportunities to take the cuddling to the next level whit a strategically placed hand or kiss. It may be easier and more natural than bringing it up in conversation. Of course, it could end badly, but you'd have your answer. Just something to consider.
Hi musinglizzy - Being so close and yet so far away can be frustrating. Same can be said for not wanting to alienate someone that is so close to you. Could it be that your friend is hiding behind all that "religious stuff" because she too has feelings for you and is afraid to come out and admit it. The best to you in the future.
We are the same age. Though I've never been married, I am also catholic and know exactly what you mean about living the way you are supposed to. I had a similar crush on a woman when I was in graduate school in my early 20s though I never attempted anything. My crush was a bit older than I was and i worried that she wouldnt take me seriously. I was too afraid of losing the friendship and continued as her friend with flirting for 4 years until I moved away. I've always regretted not having tried to kiss her. I know yours is much riskier but given the background of both of you, I say just try to kiss her or something that's obviously more than a friend like when you go to give her the cheek kiss, stop, look her in the eyes and give her the cheek kiss slowly. Just think (as I often do) if I do not act on my feelings I will have only regrets. I'm currently in live with a married woman with kids that I think while straight has feelings for me. If she have me a hint like the one I suggested to you, I would run with it. Without something a little more concrete I won't risk it because like you I fear rejection. I must add that I'm in a same sex relationship and live with my female partner so that's not my issue anymore. Best of luck and keep us posted.
I can understand how intense your feelings are towards this woman. I have been in the position as well, some time ago, of not only loving but being deeply attracted to a close friend who gave me signs and signals that were hard to read. Your life situation sounds complicated and if you feel like you want to go forward and reveal your feelings to her, or attempt to progress to the next level intimately, I think you have to be ready for what you may encounter, which could be overwhelming. I do believe that it is best to be true to oneself and to be the person one was meant to be, but, the path can be strewn with great obstacles. At this time, I'm trying to extricate myself from my marriage of 24 years and build a gay life and I live in a liberal, actually even left of liberal, community. It is hard, very hard. So, whatever you do, just be aware of what might occur and have your eyes open. Either way, I hope things work out for you.
Thank you for all of the input! I really truly appreciate it. I know for sure I am not ready to say or act on anything. SailorsHeart, I am feeling that way also, that she may be hiding behind the "religious thing," because she's trying to talk herself OUT of how she feels. Doesn't even have to be towards me, but women in general. I have never had anyone in my life bring up the topic of lesbians more than she has. Although, again, for many years, she was "accused" of being one, so that may be why... but I do know, in more than two decades, I have brought this person out of her shell. She wasn't a hugger, not a touchy person at all. She cared for her people, of course, but was not outwardly loving, she didn't say it, she just appeared "tough" on the outside. Now, we end nearly every phone conversation with an "I love you," oftentimes she says it first, and when we say goodbye in person also, always an "I love you." She hugs now, where she didn't before...in fact, one night we were sitting on the couch talking, and she put her head on my shoulder and reached for my hand. She's very different than she used to be. I enjoy the closeness very much. I just wish I had the courage to find out what she's thinking. Not sure she'd tell me anyway. I mean it when I say there are NO secrets between us. None. Except, for me anyway, this. I have only ever spoken of it here, on EC. Femme, you speak of regrets. That's what I'm afraid of. 40 years old, and if I spend the rest of my life living like I'm "supposed to," rather than how my heart feels, I will have wasted this life, or at least lay on my deathbed wishing I'd had the strength to be who I know I am. I am very envious of all of you out there who ARE out. I know it was not an easy road, this world can be so cruel. I look up to you all.
Hi musinglizzy - From the way your friend is acting I would say that she may be giving you some signals as to her feelings. Maybe next time she says "I love you" you could say "I love you more" and see what happens. I know it is a silly way to do it but then again silly might work. You have more courage than you think. You had the courage to tell us about the situation, I am sure that was not easy. Take small steps and you never know what may happen. Keep in touch, I wish you nothing but the best.
Sailorsheart, isn't that funny you mention that...I HAVE done that. Several times! It's cute, actually, because when I say "I love you more," she giggles like a little girl....it's quite cute. No more reaction than a giggle, but it puts a smile on my face every time...
I'm 100% in the closet at work and in my professional organizations. I'm a teacher and I know for a fact that someone's contract was no renewed because she is a lesbian. Not officially of course but everyone knows the homophobic parents and board members just didn't invite her back. If you are not tenured they don't even have to give you a reason. So she had no recourse. In terms of Facebook and social networks, nope I'm in the closet. I'm not ashamed but I just don't want to be the "gay" friend from high school or however they know me. It's just irritates me and because I was very popular back then it will definitely be spread as gossip. They aren't in my real life anymore. Also, I'm bi and who wants to be bi? I'm sure I'd get sleazy threesome requests if they knew that I am bi. In real life I'm out to just about everyone.
Hi musinglizzy - Well, a giggle is a start. Maybe next time say something like "Does that giggle mean you really like me a lot, more than you want to admit?" Keep probing and maybe she will admit she really likes you a lot. You are a very sweet person and who would not like you?
