My 2 biigest concerns

I'm in much the same situation. My wife is adjusting, my oldest daughter was OK with it but we really don't discuss it, and I haven't told my youngest yet. But the prospect of me not living in the same house with them at some point bothers me a lot. I have so much day-to-day casual contact with my kids, and the prospect of having that only a few days out of the week bothers me a lot. Plus, their mother's moods vary from childlike enthusiasm to anger and depression, so I'm not very comfortable with them being alone with her for days on end. And the financial concerns are paralyzing.

But the "alone" part gives me the occasional twinge as well. I, too, have very few close friends outside of work, and am not quite sure how I'm going to function socially. I'm not in a huge rush for a long term relationship, though, maybe eventually but I don't know that I want to simply trade in a spouse without a Y chromosome for a spouse WITH one. That whole social awkwardness thing is really what I want to work on first. I've found that as I become more and more comfortable with the fact that I'm gay and I don't mind it, I am at least a little less awkward. It's much harder to relate to people when you're covering up all the time. For me, I expect clubs won't be the answer, though. Volunteer work, gay-oriented church groups or other activities, that sort of thing seems a better way for people like us to integrate ourselves into the community.

As my mom used to tell me when I was bemoaning the fact that I never seemed to date anyone, "Think of the kind of person you actually WANT to meet. Then go where they would be likely to hang out." Kind of makes sense when you think about it.

 

If you live in a city, there may be a community center (like Williams Way in Philly), or gay bookstore, maybe a neighborhood where there's a higher concentration of queers, where you can find a coffee shop or place where peeps hang out.
Looking for sex connections is not nearly so important if you're coming out from a near totally hetero world, than finding a new support circle. We're way too brainwashed by this capitalist shit empire of divide and control, to believe the only real support we can hope for is that One Special Love. COMMUNITY MATTERS. Unless you live in the country, or some awful post WWII suburb, there are way more queers near you than you likely know.
Find the next nearest Gay Pride parade and go! Talk to people there. We have to make our social circles. They aren't gonna magically appear. Really... if you're straight and facing a divorce, with your social circle being the other married couples you used to hang out with--it would be harder! Really! We queers know we need one another--it's a matter of finding one another. I mean, not one at a time sex hook ups. May not be your cupa, but see if there are any fairy get togethers near you. There you'll absolutely find community and support.
Good luck to you. Being lonely is not an option. Find your true family! It's out there!

 

No one is at 'fault' in this kind of thing. She needs to learn that.

 

Still amazed how differently wives can react when their husband comes out. I was hoping to stay in the house at least for a while but she threw me out. Do you think you can last 5 years now that the truth is out there?

As for the loneliness, it's a real concern. The flip side is that it gives you the freedom to explore who you are and get to known yourself better. By the way, I've actually found a couple guys on the hookup apps who are more interested in real friendships. They're out there if you take the time to look.

 

She doesn't sound like anyone *I* would want to be with for another 5 years. YOU can decide to leave when you feel like it is time; you don't need her permission. Meanwhile, since she knows, start looking more openly for gay friends to support you. Maybe you will discover someone who cares about you more than the person you are living with; all you need is a man with a pulse.

 

That 5-year mark sounds rather grimly familiar. I am getting the unfortunate feeling that I may well be here until my 7th grader gets out of high school, and I am doing a lot of very serious thinking about how I can mesh the beginnings of a life as an out gay man with my current family life. I hope it can be done.... Wanting a family was, far more than anything else, what pushed me into the closet in the first place, because I didn't feel at the time that I could have a family any other way. I know now that's not the case, but that's where my mind was at the time. The day-to-day interaction with my girls is something I treasure, and it's got a very limited time frame left. I'm not afraid of them rejecting me--not even slightly. What I AM afraid of is missing those few remaining years before college where I can still see them every day, talk with them, and be part of their lives. For me--not for everyone, by any means, and I totally understand that--the fact that I can say with great certainty that I'm gay, even to my wife, may have to be enough for now. Call it delayed gratification if you like. Call it foolish, because maybe it is. It's not like my wife is throwing me out (and I feel for those of us in that situation, because I would be devastated), and it's not like she has given me the timeline or any ultimatums. I'm just not sure I am ready to embrace this exciting, new and unfamiliar aspect of my life, if it means giving up these last few years with a very familiar, very treasured one.

 

I suppose I'm in a similar position. My two are still young (7 and 5), so the timeframe I'd originally been asked to stay for was another 10 years (so they'd be mid teens). The idea being that I keep the secret to myself - what we were going to do in these 10 years was never discussed, but sex was off the agenda as far as she was concerned.

Things have moved on leaps and bounds in the last 2 months (good grief, is it only that long - it feels like MONTHS - but for me it's been years...) and there's a general feeling of acceptance growing. It's still going to be as hard as hell when I do move on, but I hope to be in a place where we are all settled with the idea of me be nearby and still deeply involved with my family and with my wife, but not as a sexually active, straight husband. Good luck gm42.

 

In my case, she is getting more accepting with time, which makes it even more bizarre and surreal. We never "talked" to begin with (I just listened to the monologue), and that hasn't changed, and intimacy was never high on her priority list, although she used to feel vaguely insulted because I didn't beg for sex like other husbands. Now she assumes that because she would gladly date a celebrity, I would too, so she points out any available gay TV personalities as someone I should shoot for. I think she wants to be their "girlfriend-in-law". The latest one was Carson from Queer Eye, who is apparently available and is someone she would like access to. At this rate, in another month or two she may allow me to date, as long as he is willing to give her a makeover. Sheesh.

Give your wife and your situation a little time. I have gotten impatient and frustrated as well, but remember, you were in the closet for decades, and you have only been out for a few weeks. Things could be very different between you two in a few more. VERY different.

 

If your children will stand by you and love you are far ahead of most of us. There is nothing more important than that. As far as being alone, you can make a strong effort to associate with others in many ways, and in fact involving yourself in charitable organizations can be extremely beneficial to you. Not only will you become a part of a large family of volunteers but you will see that others have struggles much worse than your own.

 

This forum is precisely for these discussions! No question is a pain, keep 'em coming!