i really do need an advice....

This is my first time writing in this forum because i am more of in between being shy and ashame of myself. I am 28 years old and i pratically grow up in a conservative family and place. The thing is i learned my personal preference during my teens and because of it i was so scared to be found out so i concealed myself and just focus on my studies and building up a career. I never even try to get into any relationship be with a guy or a girl. Everything should be fine or so i thought. It started when i landed my dream work.

I work in a university four years ago after a long time of trying to get the position but my dean was so dead against gay women although she thinks gay men are more acceptable. Constantly before, she often wondered of me being single and teased me that uptight women always ended up being pregnant or gay which she told me along with the other prof that gay women.are so unacceptable with her department, since i love my work i tried to deal with it but after two years she still kept bugging with the same deal and during this time the pressured of being an only child is taking its toll on me as well, relatives and my dad was wonderin' about me personal life. I have nobody to tell not even a friend because i am so afraid to be judge by them.Then one day an old colleague introduced me to this guy he is a foreigner and a few years older but to make it short i thought of him as my scape goat to my situation, he is the right one or i thought so because he leaves far away and just came by every other month to visit me, but then i really don't like him :but he is really kind so i wanna let him go, but then he asked me to marry him that he already told everyone about it i was supposed to be breaking up with him when he said he will rather die than not to marry me, he is the kindest guy but i got scared with his words and decided to marry him and here is were thing get more complicated.

Ever since i married him i have to leave my country and everything but it never cross my mind that his country is more conservative to gay people than mine. At my working place only foreigner teachers can openly talk about gay talk thou' i still can't tell them about myself. At home is far more worst my husband is really kind but the problem lies everytine i have to be physical with him pretending is not easy when your together everyday i know i have to consider myself lucky for having a kind husband and my in laws leave far away from us and they were also kind, but i can't deny the fact that being physical with him makes me cry and sometimes hate myself. Right now we've been married for almost two years and i feel like i am the worst person on earth, for lying and using him. I really am at lost sometimes i wanna tell him the truth and free ourselves from all the future problems because honestly i feel like i am on a torture chamber, i feel we still can pick up ourselves after the separation especially now that we still don't have a child.

A few weeks back when i can't take things anymore i called and confess to my mom that i am gay surprisingly she told me that she knew it although she accepted me she still think that sticking with my marriage is the best thing because if i left my marriage i will hurt alot of people. Right now i don't know what to do, so if anyone out there please give me some advice, because everything is getting too difficult, like any moment all hell will break loose. I wanna be just myself.