In this thread post I've decided to be as vulnerable and honest as I can be with myself and you all. Though I know you will respond with your usual kindness and support being this open is very scary. My greatest fear in coming out was not that my family or friends would reject me but that I would be alone for the rest of my life; That I would never find someone to love me because I was too broken. My marriage was crappy but it was a safe place. I pretended my husband was my best friend even though every time we were in a room together I felt alone. By creating that illusion I did not have to deal with the real truths about me the least painful is being gay. I was abused emotionally, physically and sexually from the time I was a very small child. (by both genders) The sexual abuse stopped about age 6 but affected me in ways I have only recently been able to talk about. For me touch equaled pain. Touch was something I feared. I was in college when I learned how to hug; that hugs were a good thing. Freshman year I had my 1st kiss (guy) and last until 11 years later. He was a nice guy. We were in his room and both fully dressed. (No alcohol if you were wondering) So a few seconds into the kiss I was so doubled over in abdominal pain he, of course, was freaked out. A few moments after he stopped touching me the pain stopped. completely. Fast forward to dating my now STBX. We were already friends when we went out. I was terrified of that 1st kiss. It was fine. I took that as a sign I should stay with him even though I knew I liked women. I settled out of fear. Fear that if I let him go no one else would ever want me. I fought to make that relationship work even though I knew it was wrong for me. I am ashamed of that. I am tired of fear. I am tired of secrets. I need to go forward instead of continually getting pulled back into the past. I have no more secrets. I am not broken. I am a work-in-progress; a human being. In the middle of much pain I have hope. To free yourself sometimes it is necessary to step into the pain;let it engulf you and then shout "you did not defeat me I am still here!" Thanks for listening, friends. Hugs Rose
Oh Rose! It's amazing to contemplate the repercussions of evil things done to us in the past. So much of what we do wrong is often a direct result of these terrible abuses. I admire the courage it took for you to be vulnerable and your determination to make things better. We may say "it gets better" but it never happens without someone taking the first step, or someone acting when no one else will. That, by any definition, is heroic! Thank you for sharing this with us, I hope that in doing so you will find a measure and peace and happiness in your new life.
Rose, I keep staring at your post trying to think of the right words to say. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve such terrible abuse. You have so much kindness for others. I've read many of your posts and you responded to one of my first posts with so much warmth and love. You made me feel better. To have gone through so much and to still be able to reach out to others...it shows a strength of character. I like how you say you are not broken but a work in progress. I've never thought of you as broken and I think many of us are at a "work in progress" stage in our lives. You handle it beautifully. Don't be afraid of ending up alone. Someone with your warmth and kindness won't end up alone. (*hug*)
Rose, sending you a big dose of healing. I have found through therapy many places where my early records and hurts are connecting to my present day anxieties, beliefs and actions. If you're not in therapy, there are ways to do this for yourself. We simply have to remember when something triggers us....to spend a bit of time thinking back to the very first time we had that feeling. Our brains are such amazing parts of our body, it will lead you to the place where you most need to heal. Take care!
Thank you Ormanout.(*hug*) I go to a therapist who specializes in PTSD. She does EMDR therapy which has worked miracles for some flashback stuff but still have a lot of "work" to do. Once I talk about or write about stuff here it definitely helps the healing process. It lessens the control the memories have over me. Rose
Rose, I can’t imagine the courage it took write this post. I’m also impressed that through all you’ve been through you are strong enough to realize you’re not broken, just a work-in-progress. We are all works-in-progress throughout life, some just have more to work through than others, and you seem to have made great strides. A few days back you made my day by posting EPIC!!!!!!!! In regards to my telling my ex I’m gay, well if anyone deserves an epic it is you, so here goes. EPIC!!!!!!!!!!
Many of us went through a lot of STUFF as children and it's easy to feel that we are damaged and unworthy. The truth is that it wasn't something we asked for or wanted, but we got through life thinking that it was all our fault. The reality is the someone involved us in an effort to try to fix themselves or to satisfy some distressed need. As we know, it can be very difficult and very time consuming to work our way out from under the weight of this misconception. I'm glad that things are beginning to come together for you. As is said: The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. Carry on...
nworr55, Flatlander 48 Thank you! (&&&) EC Friends All of your support & posts since I joined EC have helped me in my healing process. I feel lighter this morning. One of you mentioned a "Pandora's Box" on another thread. Kicked that lid off its hinges and you know what? I'm ok. I'm making the choice to learn to live my life and not just survive it. Thank you again. (&&&) Rose
Oh Rose, I'm glad that at the end of your post you said you were not broken, but were a work in progress, which is such a hopeful stance to have. I'm glad you said it because in my opinion, it's the abusers and violators that are "broken", truly broken, not the victims. It's horrifying to me to hear people share their experiences of being abused because I work with children and have for 30 years and I can't imagine harming one in that way and can't understand the mental defects that allow someone to go over that line. Actually, my wife was sexually abused as a child and I think this was a reason she ended up with me, because she felt safe and I wasn't much interested in sex. I also wanted to share that my biggest fear, as well, despite the fact I haven't been through what you have been through, is being alone and isolated. I struggle with this everyday as I cope with building a new life. Anyway, hugs, (&&&)(&&&); you are brave and strong!
Rose, thanks for sharing. Thanks for letting us see your courage and to live in it. Thanks for being the incredible person you are. Be well, be whole.
Rose, I almost could have written that post myself. Touch of any kind, to me too, meant pain for most of my childhood and teen years. It wasn't until I met the right family, who taught me how to love, and how to enjoy being loved. I am now a VERY huggy person, but didn't used to be that way. I do NOT believe that is the reason for having the feelings I am having. Because I have HAD these feelings, the desire to be close to women, for as long as I can remember. My whole life has been a big secret.... and I feel your pain. Although for me, the issues I had as a child didn't start until around 8....and lasted into my mid-teens.
Lindsay11 (*hug*) Pal (*hug*) Musinglizzy (*hug*) Thank you for sharing your story. EC friends your support gives me much needed strength this morning. Breathing easier. Thank you. (&&&)(&&&)(&&&)
You're inspiring, Rose. I'm so sorry about your past but you're a fighter and you'll have a great life. x
Thank you for sharing. You have made yourself repeatedly vulnerable and took the path of the unknown not knowing how everything would turn out. You have opened up about events in your past that still require you to call upon your courage and re-live your experiences. But you have done so knowing that it will allow you to move forward. You have become a stronger self. And you continue to become stronger through your daily determination and courage to make your life the best that it can be. I love how you ended your post - it captures it all really well: (*hug*)
