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Has anyone regretted coming out to the wife?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Richie., Dec 5, 2013.

  1. Richie.

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    So I have been umming and arrring about telling my wife my thoughts on men.

    But I'm thinking what if I do have a great amicable speciation.

    Them I'm gonna be sitting in a little apartment by myself getting access to my kids two or three times a week

    Probably alienated some of my family and definitely my inlaws.

    Who's to say I will find a male mate, who is to say I will be happier at all?

    There's a lot of if's but and maybes.

    What if my wife is who I'm destined to be with!?
     
  2. Pete1970

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    Hi RIC,
    Its been a little over a month since I came out to my wife. I have been having the same questions as you except for my wife and I being destined to be together. I can't say I regret telling her as it was a big weight lifted. I just wish I had more time to process things before I told her.
     
  3. Richie.

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    I hope it works out for you :slight_smile:
     
  4. arturoenrico

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    I have major regrets but I don't know if I really had an option. It is a really hard time for me. I'm not having fun yet.
     
  5. biggayguy

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    I was engaged for three years and feel like I dodged a major bullet by not getting married. We were both supposedly bi' but she got very jealous when I started looking at men the way she was looking at women.
     
  6. unavailable

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    Well my wife was very understanding ... Still living together because of finances ... She's looking for a place in town .... But she has known for years ... Long before I actually told her I was bi and had messed around with a guy ... She actually teases me when we see hot looking guys on tv and such ... Or she'll tease me about any good looking guys I work with ... So on my part I guess I didn't really have to come out to her ... We still have relations knowing we'll be splitting up whenever she's ready I guess ... It's kind of nice not having to hide that from her ... She's quite understanding and forgiving ... It's kind of funny when we tease each other about guys ... Odd probably but funny
     
  7. Rose27

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    No regrets coming out to husband. Found out his true nature. The truth sucks re-STBX but I can breathe now.
     
  8. Choirboy

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    No regrets at all, although at the moment not a whole lot has really changed....which is probably a good thing, compared with the experiences that a few of us here have had. That was actually my home, though, at least to some degree. I didn't tell her so I could immediately start some new life that didn't include her or the kids. My intention was to be open, honest, and let her know where I was coming from and where we were headed.

    I think I'd have to encourage those who want to tell their spouses to simply be prepared. I don't mean prepared to move out, prepared to dodge thrown objects, prepared to be screamed at, although depending on your spouse's character, that's always a possibility! I mean do your homework. Don't ramble, or say ambiguous things, or be uncertain about what you feel. That sort of behavior is not going to help your spouse deal with what you're saying, and will make them doubt how honest you're being. I started out by saying I "might" be gay (trying to soften it a bit), and my wife jumped on that immediately and assumed I was lying, and using that as an excuse to abandon her. I finally had to say with great clarity that I had no doubts whatsoever, so she would believe me.

    Have some idea in your mind of what you want to accomplish by telling her. Do you want to have her blessing? (Good luck on that one.) Do you want to be free to date? Do you want to move out? Do you just want all cards on the table? Be clear and direct and try to avoid being defensive if you can. State the facts.

    Think about why you got together with her in the first place. She will have a huge number of questions. My wife still comes up with new things that are on her mind that she would like explained. If you loved her, if she was the one woman who ever "did it" for you, if you still love her as a person, be clear about it. Know yourself as much as possible first. You are going to tell her something she may already have guessed, but it's still going to knock her on the floor.

    And finally, remember that however it plays out, you are still a person and you are still a part of the family and the home. I braced myself for the possibility that my wife would want me out of the house, and had to keep reminding myself that I pay the bills and do a lot with the kids, and I was determined to stand up for my rights and hold my ground if she tried to throw me out. I also decided that if she went postal and started telling people I was gay in an effort to "out" me or hurt me, I could accept that and live with the consequences. When you tell your spouse, you run the risk of telling the world, so be prepared.

    I will admit I have been lucky in all this so far. My wife has been more accepting that I expected, probably because she is more needy than even I realized, and for her, a gay husband with a paycheck is better than no husband and no paycheck! But I think the better prepared, the more thought out your declaration is, the better things will go.
     
  9. Tightrope

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    Pardon me for laughing. I'd bet this is more common than not.

    There was a guy in college who came from money who got married rather early ... and then needed some time on his own to explore. He was also very attractive, and I wasn't the only person who thought that, with both guys and girls making comments about him. But so was his wife. Between a combination of him probably not finding what he wanted and her wanting a more settled existence, they have gotten back together and have stayed together. It's a very independent type of set-up, so I don't know how happy they are. Sometimes, I think they pretend.

    Ah yes, trust funds ...
     
  10. Choirboy

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    TR - your cynicism always makes me smile. The people I've come into contact with are so boring compared to the ones you know!
     
  11. arturoenrico

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    For my wife it's my paycheck and health insurance; she wants me out but to continue providing this for her.
     
  12. Choirboy

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    This almost certainly naïve on my part - but if you are paying the bills and the health insurance, how does she have the power to throw you out? Gay, straight, in the closet or out, shouldn't you be the one with the power to decide whether you live in your home or somewhere else?
     
  13. ormanout

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    I would rather be in the mess I'm in after coming out to my wife in March....than the isolation and pain I experienced for the prior decades. The closet was suffocating me and I simply ran out of air.
     
  14. arturoenrico

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    The power she had to throw me out came from the fact that I feel very guilty, because I know she's devastated, and from he fact that I have never been able to win any argument with her. I very much regret not standing up to her more about this. Unfortunately, I also believe in the months before she demanded I leave, she was talking to her vicious brother, who she always kept her distance from. I believe that he influenced her strongly to push me out.
     
  15. Pete1970

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    Orman. That is exactly how I feel
     
  16. Spaceman

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    I'm coming up on 2 months since I told her. Like Arturo, I didn't fight back when she threw me out because of the guilt I feel. There's a big difference between what I legally owe her and what I feel my moral obligations to her are.

    And yes, I do have regrets. It's impossible not to feel regret when I'm lonely, missing the daily interaction with the kids and worrying about our finances. Part of the problem is that I'm hardly out at all... only to her and my parents and in laws. So I'm still hiding at work and in the community at large. My wife is paranoid it will harm our kids if I'm more publicly out. While I disagree, I feel it's still too soon to push back.

    I do feel there's a bit of "grass is always greener" syndrome at work. Yes, my life before coming out to her was more comfortable and easy, but I was dead inside and despised myself. Having to lie to her every day was killing our relationship. Coming out to her hasn't been like a magical flip of a switch that made me feel better...and I have a bunch of new reasons to feel like crap, but at least it's given me hope of finding my peace.
     
  17. Bear101

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    I came out to my wife in April. While the last 6 months have been hell, and I almost didn't survive it, I am now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    I'm now living with my mom, begging for money, and still don't have a job. But i'm finally starting to have employers calling me back and I'm starting to make some gay friends.

    I'm now beginning to believe that things WILL get better!

    I regret HOW I came out to my wife, but not the fact that I DID come out to my wife.

    And yes, I have lost 95% of all my friends. But thankfully, my family (besides my idiot dad) has stood behind me and I'm incredibly thankful to them!
     
  18. Daydreamer1

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    Meh, not really. I only kind of feel it was a waste of time coming out to my dad since he's making it seem like it never happened.
     
  19. link4816

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    My wife and I both would be happier if she had not learned that I am gay. She would most likely be pregnant by now and beaming with joy for the future, and though I would have continued to struggle with my desires, I would also be beaming and would be in a more stable place right now emotionally.

    However, I know that it was not the right thing to do to not tell my wife that I am gay. At the very latest, I should have told her right before we got married. I really did and do love her, so why did I think it was okay to leave out such an important part of who I am? She did not deserve that kind of deception.

    One thing you should know, Gay Ric, is that if you do tell her, you will not be the same person you are now. Releasing the secret you have kept so long will change you. If you think it is difficult now to "contain" the thoughts and feelings you have for other men, know that those feeling become much stronger once you have outed yourself even to one person. At least that has been my experience. I think that the strength of those feelings is derived from the fact that being gay is truly a part of my being, as well as yours. How we choose to express that important part of ourselves in life is the really hard question. I haven't quite figured that out yet.
     
  20. Choirboy

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    I think this is very insightful. My experience, too, has been that the more people I come out to, the more I WANT to come out to, and the harder it is NOT to come out to them. And it's not like I want to run around in a sequined jockstrap waving a rainbow flag (at my age? and in Wisconsin, in winter? shudder!).

    But you will be amazed to realize how many times in the course of a day that you checked your behavior to appear less gay. Not huge things, either, just the occasional wave of the hand or turn of phrase or whatever. You suddenly realize how much unconscious effort you were wasting. It's a very liberating feeling to NOT do that anymore. And what's even more amazing is how little difference it makes to anyone but yourself! People have commented that I am more sociable lately, happier, more outgoing, more friendly, and they attribute it to the fact that I've lost a lot of weight, but that really has next to nothing to do with it. No one has given me any funny looks and nothing has come back to me that people think I act "gay". And if they did--so what?

    I think we get way too hung up on guilt. I know, those are big words from someone who's still living with his wife and kids indefinitely so their lives aren't blown to hell. I don't know what things would be like if our finances weren't a mess and my wife wasn't something of a whack job. But I feel that I have a responsibility to the family I created, and I am seeing things through. I don't feel guilty about it, but I also do not want to disrupt the lives of 3 people unduly, just so I can live the life I have denied myself for years. I can defer that life long enough to allow my family to adjust.

    I think people in our situation need to recognize that coming to grips with who you are is not something we should feel guilty about. We did not set up to deceive our spouses and children. We can feel bad for the results of coming out and how it affects them, and do our best to make the transition easier, but we should learn to avoid feeling as though we've uncovered some dirty little secret. Coming out shouldn't be a big debit in the ledger that we have to find a corresponding credit for, by meekly moving out or disappearing. Most of us have been loving parents and spouses, maybe more so than straight spouses, because we have been trying so desperately to be perfect. What's to feel guilty about?

    Coming out is really about giving yourself strength, and if you do it right, there is strength to spread around. My wife has slowly started doing more things for herself because she knows she has to, AND because I'm willing to stay in her life long enough for her start being more independent. The more positive an attitude you take, the more positive the results can be. No, I'm not out hanging with other gay guys yet, and any relationship is a long way off. But I feel better knowing that I will not be the only one in the family whose life will actually be better in the long run for my coming out.