Teens and older guys

It's a nice fantasy but I wouldn't count on it lasting or being the right move for either the older or the younger one. I'm sure it's a bad idea.

 

I agree with Arturo on this one.

It may work maybe in 1 out of ten cases...not great odds. The moment one partner becomes significantly and consistently dependent on the other is the moment that the relationship is sown with the seeds of discontent, resentment, or other beasties common to such relationships.

But I can see the attraction...like a moth to a flame kind of attraction...

 

It's not even a fantasy or a draw, because it's so unrealistic in almost all cases. Not only that, there's a lot less in common with someone who you could have biologically produced (upon reaching puberty, making for a difference of 14 to 18 years). I feel the same way about male-female couples with these age spreads, though they tend to work a little better. If the guy is older by 15 to 20 years, some of these women will be burying him and not likely find another significant other for the duration. I've seen this with my parents' friends.

My friend with whom I conjured up the term "gay statue" also conjured up the term "FFH" after seeing "Far From Heaven." When Dennis Quaid leaves Julianne Moore for that teenager he met while on vacation, and the two were sitting in their room together, my friend said "Give it about 6 months." If that. "FFH" means the improbability of success for a May-December romance.

If I liked downtown suits as a college student, I doubt I am going to be inverting that attraction at this point in my life.

 

I don't see a problem with it, as long as both realize the problems they are going to encounter and are accepting of what it means to deal with them. When I say this, it is with the understanding that we are talking about two ADULTS separated by several decades, not an adult and a child who is incapable of giving legal consent. I do not see such a problem with a 30 year old and a 50 year old; I would between a 60 year old and a 20 year old. These kind of problems are unlikely to occur anyway, because not too many 20 year olds seek out 60 year old partners; maybe a "sugar daddy" here and there.

 

I know a straight couple with a nearly 20-year age spread and they seem to be one of the most well-adjusted couples in our circle of friends. (And personally, a spread of over 20 years kind of pushes the "ick" factor for me.) So I can attest to the possibility of it working. I'm a lot more dubious on the probability.

For that particular couple, on some levels they have very much a sugar daddy/girl toy relationship, but they seem pretty aware of it and comfortable with it. She expects vacations and toys, and he wants sex and companionship, and it really works well for them because they are apparently very conscious and realistic about what they want (and get) out of the relationship. And they're not desperate about it. In a lot of cases, you have an older person trying to recapture their own lost youth with someone much younger, and a young person trying to find security or attention with an older person that they lack in their own age group. That level of desperation, I think, is what dooms a lot of those relationships, because that feeling just burns itself out eventually. You can't build a real relationship on it, and the cultural references of people 20 years apart can be so hugely different that you may not have much common ground anyhow.

I know a couple of women in their 60's and 70's who I am fond of and share numerous interests with. If they magically morphed into gay men, I could conceivably develop some very strong feelings for them. But my father was 27 years older than I, and I spent years caring for him as needed while his health declined. Would I really want to sign up for a relationship that pretty much ensured I could be a caretaker for years on end? I also know people in their 30's who I could develop feelings for pretty easily, but in the long run, would I eventually worry that they would get tired of caring for an old guy and move on to a younger one? I could see the May/December thing being very entertaining for a period of time, but it just doesn't seem like something that would last.

 

I have to go along with Arturo. It just sounds like a really bad idea for both of you, though I understand that you may have a fantasy about young guys.

 

And here I was thinking I'd be accepted here. Apparently not.

I probably can't be bothered now, but I would've asked you to cite your sources. We live in a world of scandals and sensationalist journalism, with a majority who just don't understand what the hell they're attacking.

I'm on the younger end of such a relationship - 44 years between us. Yes, I'm certainly broken goods, mentally deranged, and incapable of sarcastic statements. I was looking to give a little insight to the uninformed, but it seems that I have instead encountered the ignorant.

 

Don't jump to conclusions about everyone here. I think older men and younger men can find common ground. Of course the relationship requires respect both ways.

 

I am hesitant to say anything about this topic since I'm a big believe of there are no definitives only perception. If there's a a 10 or so year age gap if the younger person is 13-15 then I would say it's quite rare that it the younger party won't be stunted in it's growth. I say this mostly because the younger person will suffer rejection by someone much older that they admire or will grow to not knowing how to handle it. 16-19 I consider the most humans to be dimly aware of the consequences or hope that the older party will share them. Then if the youth goes through that's fine.

 

Well guys, I'm an example that it can work. My bf is 18 years older than me, we've been dating a few years. We have a lot in common, some really cool hobbies we are both passionate about. We are in a committed relationship, we love each other. My bf is in amazing shape, he works out 5 days a week, has a lot of energy, he is very sweet and loving to me. I'm going to college too so I will have a career and be able to support myself, as I'm the type of person who never wants to depend on someone else and like to take care of myself.

I know the studies and statstics say it won't work. But it's working for me, I totally don't care how old he is. And did i read this week that Tom Daley's new BF is 20 years older than him? So for some young guys it works and I wish society did not judge us. It's enough to be gay and then add the age judgement and it becomes a pain. But honestly, I love who I love. So it can work, it all depends on the couple.

 

My partner is 13 yrs older than I am and we'll have been together 17yrs this month. When we first got together there were some economic disparities, but over time my career developed to where I generally make more money than him. Currently he's between jobs so I'm the sole breadwinner (but the opposite has also occurred at various times). That's part of what being together entails.

As far as taking care of someone as they age. An accident or illness can put either partner in that situation in an instant, regardless of age, regardless of orientation. At least with aging you can predict it and make plans accordingly. I'll assume that no one here is going to advocate simply walking out on a loved one because a drunk driver or a blood clot in the brain or past exposure to toxic materials suddenly throw a curveball?

As far as disparities in life experience or interests or the like - if I had limited my relationships based on these I'd never meet anybody (admittedly my life and interests are somewhat...different). My partner is quite different from me in various ways. So are my friends. Personally, I look at all the angst on EC around finding what are essentially clones of a poster and just feel both surprised and tired at the sheer amount of insecurity and fear that it implies.

Issues of life experience also tend to ignore the possibility that the younger party may have more or that life experiences may compliment each other. It's not the years, it's the mileage.

Plenty of relationships where both people are the same age or very close fail daily. Perhaps that means none should be attempted?

Finally, disparaging comments about those who hold a contrary view to (or have life experience that contradicts) that of the poster are simply a rather obvious (and banal) rhetorical attempt at suppressing dissenting views, based on the false logic that a lack of dissenting voices for any reason is the same as 'winning' the debate and the correctness of ones position. The consistent lack of actual citations (preferably web based so they can be conveniently linked), and the ad hominem commentary are things that would get you laughed out of the room in other online venues I frequent. The brusque dismissal of any counter examples as being so rare as to not matter or to be 'merely' anecdotal would seem to be an example of why psychology isn't generally considered to be a real science, but more of an art form. In real science, examples that don't fit the theory mean that a closer look is required and the theory is immediately suspect. In psychology it apparently means that the non-conforming examples need to be gotten out of sight as quickly as possible.

While I will acknowledge the validity of age gap concerns when the two parties are at drastically different places in their development or life, I think that far too much weight is given to generalizations and not enough to examining the specific circumstances of each case. Are such relationships more difficult or less likely to be successful? Possibly. Does that mean that none should ever be attempted? No.

Todd

 

Not impossible, but very probable it won't last. However, it really depends on the dynamics of the couple (the roots of the relationship)--if the intent is the stereotypical younger person wanting the older persons money and the older person wanting the younger person for primarily sexual reasons, it's obviously not going to last. Also, the two (especially the younger) are going to have to realize that different ages mean different stages...the mindsets, life outlook and health status are likely going to be much different.

 

I was in a relationship with an older guy recently. He was in his 40s and I was 20. Being totally honest it just couldn't work out for us. I think it was due to combination of being at different life-stages and him having children. However this is only my personal experience and I agree that when the younger partner reaches a certain age it could perhaps work out! I mean my parents have a 14 age gap between them and they seem happy. I think it all depends of an individuals situation really.

 

It's not about winning a debate. If your situation works, great. However, I've seen guys move upward in age and still pine for the 25 year old, never learning. At best, if they're handsome, they get a one-night stand out of it, sometimes two. For many, it's validation that they still have it or to recapture lost youth. Again, the operative word is many, not all. I once read that, even within the gay community, most people couple withing comparable age ranges, as is the case in the heterosexual community. When I was 27, a hot 40 year old guy was just that ... a hot 40 year old guy. I wouldn't have even let one buy me a burger, as in play daddy to me, had some of the ones I thought were hot been amenable to meeting up. I preferred to frequent people in my general age group, and still do. One time, a guy about 15 years older than me insisted on treating me to dinner, because I had driven a couple of hours in each direction to hang out with him, and he held the car door open for me at the beginning and the end of this night on the town. I thought it was odd. I didn't say anything. However, I thought to myself "I'm not a woman. This is just two guys going to get something to eat. Just unlock the door and I'll open my own."

Credible psychological research uses statistics. In a normal (two-tailed) distribution, 1 standard deviation picks up 64% of the sample, 2 standard deviations 95% of the sample, and 3 standards deviations 99% of the sample. So, yes, there are people who fall outside the 1st and the 2nd standard deviation, but many who do not. In psychology, the nonconforming examples are documented as outliers, and not discarded. They then most likely become the focus of yet another research study.

 

Actually, this wasn't mentioned at all on this thread until you responded to me raising the issue of my experience. Perhaps you might save a lot of time and frustration if you simply included this particular bit of information in your initial posts on these matters, along with whatever citations you care to include. Given that this particular issue comes up repeatedly, and seems to be an area you take a very personal interest in, I would think it would make sense to have the relevant information on 'speed dial' - readily in a format that could be copy/pasted into any post.

There's a lot more I could say on this, but I suspect it would largely be a waste of time in this venue.

Todd

 

Then what is the point of this sort of language exactly?

"Expect the 'age is just a number, age gap relationships are wonderful' choir ( who conveniently ignore all the material pointing against them) in 3...2...1..."

It is deliberately provocative and adds nothing to the presumed point of the statement being made in the rest of the post.

And I've yet to see any mention (besides your own just now) about the need for further study. Instead, the message that comes through loud and clear is that anyone who's experience or views don't conform to the party line should really just shut up and go away.

Meh.

Todd