Hello Everyone, I am 31 years old... I've known my entire life that I am gay, but I've only come to accept it the last 3 or so years. I grew up in a Christian home, so of course I grew up believing that the Bible says it's wrong and sinful to be gay. My mother never talked about it being wrong, but if you go to any sort of fundamentalist church you just know. Needless to say, I had a lot of self-hate and depression. I prayed constantly to be changed, but of course I never was. I eventually got to the point where I just "dealt" with being the way I was, but I still hated myself a lot. In my twenties I still had a lot of depression and even had a panic attack at work. It was irrational, but I was so terrified that someone would find out about me. About 5 or 6 years ago, my mother admitted to my sister and I that she was seeing a woman. It was devastating, my entire belief system collapsed, but that is the point where my views began to change about myself. I couldn't accept that God hated my mother (even though I'd always believed He hated me....) so I began to research the Biblical perspective on this and started to find other points of view that were equally valid. It took awhile, but I now believe that being gay and being a believer in Christ can co-exist. My mother and my sister played big parts in changing my opinions on it, my mother having dealt with her own things, and my sister being a huge liberal who I always got in heated arguments about it with. I was always a conservative who spouted off hateful conservative talking points about homosexuality, and they always tried to convince me how wrong I was. You think I would feel comfortable coming out to either one of them, but they've both said things in passing that have made me afraid to tell them. My mom had found a joke Christmas card from a friend of mine that implied that we were a couple (we weren't and never were... He didn't know about me, and thought the card was funny...) My sister informed me that my mom freaked... She apparently said she didn't know how she would be able to handle having a gay son... Another time, my sister stumbled upon a gay cousin of mine and his boyfriend kissing. She told me "I don't want to see that!" Neither one of these things are that big of a deal, really, but for someone that was already insecure, it added to it. At one point, I did feel that I was ready to come out, so I told a friend of mine who came out in high school that I was also gay, and he told me the very next day he went and told a bunch of his friends (some that I worked with), claiming that he was trying to "help" me. All it did was shove me further back into the closet than I was before... After a few more years passed, I have since told three other people that I am gay, two of them friends that I found out were also struggling with the same issues that I am. They have truly been a God send. It's been nice having friends to talk to who know what I'm going through. Now I am at this point in my life where I am so... so... tired of being alone, and just want everyone to know, but I can't get over this fear... I've written letters that I planned to give my mom and sister, but every time I get close It's like a wall goes up inside me that I can't seem to get passed. I don't know how to get over it... I am now extremely outspoken for the LGBT community on Facebook, political forums, and to anyone that I talk to about it... But I can't find a way to admit that I'm gay to friends and family. I would appreciate any advice, encouragement, etc... Regards, JW
First of all, welcome to EC and thanks for sharing your story. You will find that many here, myself included, understand your tension with faith and orientation. I am one of three pastors (that I know of) who hangs out in the later in life forum. There are all sorts of faithful and disposed here. All of us who have had our struggles with identity and what to do next. I just finished coming out to my family recently. I was terrified that something would go wrong. I was terribly mistaken, so much so, that it was almost lack luster. Like you I thought of so many things that made me think telling them would be a mistake. Throw away comments, etc. Then I found myself telling and them loving and understanding. Even my parents who have an invested interest in my wife and our children, understood. So, my advice is simple. Talk to us, we are here to listen about everything from faith to identity to strategy. We will laugh with you and ache with you. Secondly, just do it. Screw up your courage and take the plunge if that is what you truly want to do. There is nothing for it but to do it. Again, welcome and don't be a stranger.
Thank you so much for replying! I am so glad I found this website as it helps to see others stories who are going / have gone through the same things I have. I honestly think a lot of my coming out issues stem from my friend. He was my best friend since kindergarten, and I felt so betrayed by him... I know for sure that my issues with my mother and sister are irrational fears, since my mom has had a lesbian relationship off and on for years now, and my sister has always been an outspoken liberal, but we are all so close and I am so afraid it will change our relationship.... I really do feel like now is the time (although I think I will make it my "new years resolution" and wait until after Christmas...) But I think setting a date will be the best way for me to do it. Anyway, thanks again for responding. I look forward to making new friends on here! -JW
Hi JW, Welcome to EC! I can relate to your struggle with faith and sexuality and have come to the conclusion that the Bible isn't against homo or hetero sexuality anymore than the other. It's sexual acts that hurt other people that are wrong and that applies to both orientations. Sadly too many denominations have this all wrong and are too afraid to reconsider their teaching for they fear if they are wrong about this what else are they wrong about. I know exactly the kind of little comments and reactions that make you uneasy about coming out to people. Luckily your mom and sister should be safe to come out to and when you're ready it sounds like they'll be supportive which is great! I wish you great courage and confidence.
Hi mnguy, Yes I completely agree with you about the Bible subject. I don't think people tend to realize (or they don't want to) that whenever "homosexuality" (I put it in quotes, because I truly don't believe that's what it was talking about) was talked about in the Bible, it was always in cases of rape (Sodom and Gomorrah) or prostitution, or pederasty, even the new testament verses. As for my mom and sister, you would think the fact that I've never had a girlfriend and have never been in a relationship would clue them in haha! That's one of my biggest fears... Being alone that is. I've never had a relationship, gay or straight, and I feel like if I wait too much longer to come out, it will be too late. I've thought about seeing a councilor or therapist which really seemed to help one of my friends, but I wouldn't even know where to begin looking for one I could speak with openly and trust. I guess I'll just have to start looking though.
