A possible living arrangement has been brought up tp me and i was hoping for some input. Basically, me and my wife would get an efficiency apartment and one would stay there part time and at the house part time, basically alternating where we live. The advantages as i see them are that the kids would live at the house full time and wont have to shuttle between homes and we both would get day to day time with them. Also, it may be a little cheaper than getting a full apartment. The disadvantages would be that there wouldnt be a separate home that we can call our own and woudnt be like really living separte lives. Does anybody have experience with this type of arrangement? Would it be worth it to save a little money and not have our own separate places? I could see this working maybe short term, but is it better to just make a cleaner break? Thanks in advance for any advice
In theory it could be good for the kids. I lived through 3 divorces as a kid and shuttled around most of my life (from the age of 4 onwards). It does get tiring and it does leave some marks, not all of them bad. The question is, can you two keep it going over the long haul? At that point, why not just sleep in separate rooms and live as roommates (which is my wife's and my plan for the short term)? There is no easy way to do this, what I can tell you from experience is, it works if the parents make it work. Your relationship with each other, as civil as it can be, as happy and healthy as it can be as co-parents, will make the most impact on your kids (shuttling or not).
It would give the kids much more stability than if they were yanked from one place to the other back and forth, definitely. If you think about it, they are already going through a divorce, they don't need even more things to change. If you could make it work out, I think it would be good.
Ooh, that's a toughie. I've heard of this happenning before and it does sound great for the kids but it raises a lot of property law issues. Would you own the house or rent it? If you rent it, you're both legally responsible for the actions of the other. If you own it, how would you feel about living in a house owned by your ex, or vice versa? Would one of you have a lease? Who would own the furniture? The other bits and pieces? How would you feel if you left something important there and had to go get it, or if she did? Would you both be ok constantly crossing paths with each other and your new partner/s? I wish I could say go for it, but it honestly sounds like trouble to me.
You raise excellent points, however, I have heard that it works. Right now the biggest issues with "visitation" (a term I detest) is that the kids themselves don't want to be nomads (although my son yesterday, while with me, pointed out earlier to his mother that he has two homes, which he said annoyed her greatly). Truthfully, I can't see it working where money is tight. Putting that aside, ironically, there would have to be a "partnership" of sorts to work out ownership and responsibilities and enough money to essentially have three households. Ideal for the kids though...
basically we are trying to figure out how to minimize the effects on the children. They are almost 17 and 14. My son will be going to college in 1 1/2 years(Greatwhale - he actually wants to go to Mcgill). What this arangement would do is basically have them stay in the house while us parents would shuttle back and forth, kind of like reverse custody. We would only do this(assuming it works) until my daughter gets out of high school in 4 1/2 years, then sell the house and go from there. If we did separate residences,The "visitation" i dont think(hope) would be a problem. We wouldnt have a strict schedule like some do where it would be every other weekend or two weeks in the summer type thing. It would be more like they can come and go at both places when they want for the most part. With that being said, im not sure how the logistics would work with having 2 shared residences, we would both have stuff in both places? it doesnt seem like there would be a sense of having our own place or privacy.
What I have found with my arrangement of two separate residences, where I live on my own and she has the kids most of the time, is that the kids are reluctant to shuttle from one place to the other (especially in cold weather). They all know that "home" now includes my place as well (although I am reluctant to relinquish my key to them as two of them are teenagers who are dating, and, well this is problematic...). This is why, (if you choose the more traditional option of the father moving out and having the kids over) I would advocate a stricter schedule than you envision for them to come be with you. I know it "forces" them to visit, but without this obligation, the tendency on the kid's part is to choose one place and stay there. Cool about McGill, many Americans do go there. Privacy would be important to my mind, especially as you are in "new life exploration mode", but that depends on you, of course!
My wife and I are still living together .... Pretty much like a married happy couple ... Still intimate and as far as I know nothing on the side or looking ... She is looking for a place of her own ... I work away from home a lot and I was considering moving closer to where I work .... But I think I'll keep the house ( she doesn't want a place in the country)... Now I'm thinking I'll keep the acreage so the kids will always have a place they can call home ... They are 19,15 and 5 ... Seems a bit weird ... We gave up on the marriage over a year ago now .... For the most part get along better than we did as a married couple ...
Hi GM, It's actually so common that they've coined a term for it - "bird nesting". Here's one article about the concept, there's plenty more where this came from if you're so inclined. "Bird's Nest" Co-Parenting Arrangements | Psychology Today I know a number of divorcing parents that have attempted this. To be quite honest, the only ones I've seen it work with did not share that residence outside the family home. They are fortunate in that they both had places to stay in their " off" times (a new partner & friends) for no cost, but the couples that tried to share that "other" residence never lasted long. They could not truly move on with the new stage in their life by taking turns in that other space. There was just no privacy to be had. Consider it, if you could still share all your space, why not just continue to live together platonically? BUT every person, every couple is different. Consider all the downsides and if they are things you're willing to live with in order to make this work, then you'll probably be able to make it a success. Personally, we're selling the family home and setting up two separate family residences, cutting costs in both to keep all expenses within our current budget. We're splitting custody 50/50 and our kids will truly have two homes. We have to do this. We can coparent, but we cannot cohabitate. You just need to find what works for you. Good luck!
The article explains it pretty well. There were some comments after the article In theory it sounds like a good plan. I was just wondering if anyone actually tried this and it worked. Like you say though, if we could make that work, why not just live together in the same house but different bedrooms. I dont know, at times it seems like it may work, other times i think it wont. We dont really have any family we can stay with and to ask frineds to put us up for 3 or 4 days a week for 4 years seems like too much to ask, so we would have to get at least 1 apartment to share. So the cost would be the same as just doing a clean break.
