Hello everyone, first I must apologize for lurking around for the past week. You all have been an inspiration to me, but I still owe an apology. I have severe social anxiety, and it takes me awhile before I can speak in a group setting. It's easier on the net, if we were all physically in a room together, well, scratch that, I might not make it through the door, and if I did I certainly couldn't talk. Well, a quick bit of background, I'm 30 and realize this barely qualifies me for the "later in life" club, but I have been married (to a man) and have two great kids, and I don't really feel understood by the college crowd. I have always known I like girls. When I was in preschool we had barbies and they went on dates but one person told me it was "gross." A few years later, when Ellen was coming out my mom also said it was "gross." For me gross is just another word for disgusting, and I've felt disgusted by my feelings for a long time. My own feelings have been hijacked, and twisted by people around me, because as a child you internalize, and that stuck with me and I kept quiet. Later, after my best friend from childhood (who is a gay man completely out) and I lived together I had far more exposure to the gay community. I was aroud 20/21, I fell for a woman and got rejected, and ran from the whole idea of being hurt. Just fyi, I never asked a guy out, I just went with the flow when a guy liked me. I was a serial monogamist. I also had a substance abuse problem, which developed when I was being abused by my neighbor. I don't want to dump that here. But it does explain on some level my straight activities, and being used because I felt I deserved it. My ex and I have been apart since 2011, I have been single for a year, and I feel like I've reached the point where "it's now or never." But my problem is coming out or having a gay relationship seems like the chicken or the egg. I feel like without the "street cred" nobody will take me seriously and take a chance on me, and rejection is so hard for me (like most ppl), whereas if I come out all over the place, I will feel like I'm being starting trouble with my family, and I don't want to argue with my religious father if the right woman might never come along. I was told by a woman, who is a lesbian, that it's different when you're older and more people have kids, but she turned me down too. So I feel like I'm battling a stigma on both sides. Don't really know what I'm asking, if anything, just had to finally get this off my chest.
Hi AmeliaB, welcome to EC! It looks to me like an issue of vulnerability. This idea is a big deal in these parts. Check out Brené Brown's TED talks on YouTube to see what we mean... Essentially, without "entering into the ring" and being seen as vulnerable, nothing can happen, because people actually want to see your vulnerability, not to denigrate but to see the real person that you are. Yes, being vulnerable also means the possibility of rejection, but you can decide to be a little perverse about that and take a kind of pride in your "failures", because these events mean that you had enough courage to get out there and try. Being vulnerable is NOT the same as being weak; quite the opposite! You are at a crossroads, it's not so absolute as now-or-never, but the time is right to put aside the thought that you might be perceived as phony without "street cred" and to put aside the fear of confrontation...you are old enough to make your own decisions, and if people disagree, that's their problem.
