Talking to the kids...

Kids are tougher than we think. I know when the wife and I told the kids we were getting a divorce, they were sad for a while and then bounced back a lot faster than I thought they would. When you tell them do it with a lot of love. Remember that this is a big change for them and it will be scary. You need to reassure them that will be there for them no matter what and then do exactly that.

Interestingly enough, the kids told me that "this divorce thing" was not so bad as they had more time with their mom and me. Once everything settles down it will be just fine. The very best to you.

 

My situation is different than yours, as my sons are adults, and I’ve been divorced for 10 years, but in talking with my therapist last week about telling my sons she had some good advice. She said that in most cases the kids have two things to deal with:

1. Dealing with the fact that one of their parents is gay.

2. Questioning whether their life has been a lie; were they really a family or not.

I know that sounds heavy, but she says it is real common when parents come out to their children. She recommends addressing both, assure them that your life as a family was/is real, and try to separate that from your being gay.

Again my case is different as I have an easier break, before divorce and after divorce. Even though I discovered my attraction to men about 5 years into our marriage I never acted on the attraction until after our divorce. So I can truthfully tell my sons that after our divorce I spent some time trying to figure out who I was. And that journey led me to discover that I ‘m gay .

However you decide to move forward, good luck.

 

My kids are older. They were 20 and 17. It sounds like you haven't told your wife yet and are going to tell them together? Well it might be better to talk first to your wife and have plan. I think your kids, all kids, have logistical questionss that you should sort out before. My son was stoic but sweet. Neither kid cared at all about my being gay. My daughter was distraught at the break up of the family unit and missing doing family stuff. She was worried that both my wife and I would suffer loneliness and sadness. The truth is for me the family break up is heartbreaking. I hate that I don't live with my kids anymore and can't see them spontaneously. Good luck. Hope it goes well

 

A couple of things that my daughter's counselor advised us.

1. Don't tie the divorce into the gay thing. I really struggled with this and don't know that I agreed with it at the time. I'm realizing now, that our marriage had a lot more issues than me being gay, but i didn't see it at the time.

2. When you tell them, make sure you tell them while they're at home where they feel safe and secure.

3. Wait until you are really settled in your sexuality before telling the kids about being gay.

Take it for what it's worth, but that's what our daughter's shrink said.

 

Bear 101, my therapist essentially had the same advice

I just dont know which is better, telling them everything at once or separate the 2? If we tell them everything at once at least it is all out there, but both issues may be to much at once. if we do it separately, then that is like going through it twice. So i dont really know

But, like D43054, i currently have no relationships or gay friends yet, so i dont know if i should wait to tell them until i have more of a foundation in the gay commuinity

 

I am waiting until the divorce is final, hopefully in March. I have had a year to integrate myself into the gay community and it has been worth the wait, despite still having to live two separate lives for the duration.

It makes sense for me as the marriage had many more issues than just my orientation.

 

This is in part a copy of my post answer from "Do you regret coming out to...thread"

I think coming out to my son at the same time as telling him about the divorce was good in that he understood why we were getting a divorce. He could never as some kids do, blame himself. I told him there was no one else involved (at that time I did not know about stbx's gf)
My son did not care about me being gay just about the divorce.
I told him 1st about being gay...."When Mommy was younger it was not ok to be who she was...." Kept this part very simple.
In other later discussions -That it is important for people to be who they are not just in who they love but all of who they are. That I wanted him to be who he was. To feel confident in liking the things and people he likes and not to worry about what anyone else thinks.

 

I can "ditto" much of what's been said here. I told my wife first, then at an opportune time a few days later we told the kids together. My youngest was 16, so they are pretty mature, and as such were more worried about the end of the marriage and where "home" would be, where Christmas would be etc. but again, mine are older and a couple already on their own. The "gay thing" was less climatic than I expected. Going in I held tight to the fact that I've been a good, involved, loving father and that wouldn't change. I think I was right and things with them are pretty good.

 

D43054,
Just asking, but do you want to leave or just assume that your wife will want you to or that it's the right thing to leave? Leaving was, for me, forced on me in a moment of regrettable weakness.

---------- Post added 8th Dec 2013 at 07:56 PM ----------

Bear101, Regarding the therapists advice, I think what needs to be said to kids must be the truth. If it's the truth that the marriage is over due to my being gay, which is the truth for us, how else could I explain the separation and leaving? For me, the whole point of finally coming out is to try to give up being a false person and embrace my authentic self. How could I go and then misrepresent this to my kids?

 

Hi D... Also be prepared for the possibility that your wife may not want the kids to know. That's what happened in my case and I'm honoring her wishes for now. I do agree the hardest part for kids is the breakup of the family and the familiar routines, not the gay piece. But I do see a benefit in letting the separation sink in before bringing up the sexual orientation issue... at least for my kids who are 7 and 11.

 

There will be a strong reaction to your decision to come out, but if you are true to your children they will accept you. Just because you don't live in the same house anymore doesn't mean that your relationship with them will end.