I met a really nice guy. I do not have much sexual experience but I feel some frustrations because he is an active and I am versatile. We are really good friends but sometimes I feel I need more sexually. He says that everything is fine with him but I feel it lacks something for me. Do you think a versatile and an active could work sexually or do I need to look for a versatile? What's your experience on this?
Hello, If he is strictly "active", i.e. a top and you are versatile, I tend to think it might be a problem unless your relationship with him compensates for this in other ways. My last relationship was exactly this, but I was willing, at least for a while, to accept the situation, until things went sour for other reasons. And when this happened, well, playing just one role was just another reason to end it.
This is a good question. Thanks for asking it. This is another thing that makes being gay difficult. You're just not gay. You're a top, vers or bottom. I'm a total bottom. If I meet a total bottom there's no way anything will happen with us. If you're vers, you either need to go w/o topping or find a vers or bottom on the side that you could top. There's nothing that says you can't have sex with two men.
I realize this might differ vastly between gay men and lesbians... But how do you bring this up? How do you know?
There are a few differences between hetero- and homosexual relations. One main difference is that this very question requires people to communicate more clearly what their sexual preferences are (and, in my experience, this happens quite early too!). Better communication = better sex.
Wait. It's as if no one has ever heard one of the first questions: "So, what do you like to do?" *chuckling*
Interestingly, I have talked more about what is liked or not liked with possible male partners than I did with female partners. Just thought I would mention that.
Another pearl of wisdom I've heard: for men, sex is more visual and tactical and, for women, sex is more emotional and cerebral.
As a lesbian, when I had sex with men it was more cerebral for sure. But now, with women and in particular, my girlfriend, it's extremely tactile and visual. With men I usually wanted the lights out and always had my eyes closed. Now, I love watching her and watching her watch me. So we have to have light. Sex is a whole new world. But we haven't talked about "top" or "bottom" - I think we're both versatile with her being slightly more "toppy" - which is fine with me. I originally posted the question wondering how I would know if it wasn't ok with her. But obviously the answer is communication. I know that.
This is really an wonderful forum where we all share our experiences. It seems there isn't one right answer. Communication is the key for what I understand. The problem is that my boyfriend wants to have an exclusive relationship with me and I really want that too but I am missing the more versatile role in sexual relationships.
Also, it's important to note that some people who may be "incompatible" negotiate other sexual activities into their sexual time in place of penetrative sex.
I agree Incognito. I find the prevaling attitude that sees penetrative sex as the main course too narrow for my liking. There is so much other stuff to enjoy! That said - compatibility can still be an issue. I guess it comes down to how much you are willing to compromise and accommodate for the sake of the central relationship. I think it can be destructive to focus on finding Mr Perfect - but maybe that is just me? What do others think?
