has anyone felt like the jumped gun on coming out as gay? i can identify with attraction but not the culture. finding it hard to feel excited about coming out to things that make me want to run back in the closet and put a pad lock on the door. has anyone felt like they do not belong at all? not with the straights, not with gays? that's how i am feeling right now. any advice from other that have felt the same?
Right here with you man, I'm out a few close friends and I want to come out more but I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not really gay, but then I know I'm not totally straight so that's why I identify as bisexual although I can't really see myself with a girl in the future and I'm more open the idea of a boyfriend but still scared as all hell to try for one. See there are other people just as confused, as for the lifestyle, you don't have to change anything about yourself no matter who you identify as even though so many of us feel as if when we come out we need to be different than we were before. Don't let being gay or bisexual define you, instead define what it means to be gay or bisexual. We're here for you (*hug*)
Yup! Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I don't regret coming out. Coming out was/is about being who I am. That took 30+ years. All the crap & craziness is worth it. Those negative things are temporary. I'd rather be alone & be able to breathe! (*hug*)
Coming out in the first place can cause all sorts of stresses and negative reactions. You know what, you did it and good for you. Now all you have to do is get on with life. That is so easily said and so difficult to do. Remember there is a whole community to help you and to back you up. Like everyone has said, those bits of negative garbage are temporary and will go away eventually. The best to you in your new life.
Hey prettylonely, I definitely understand what you're saying. You see I was out when I was in my twenties and enjoyed being part of the "gay culture". I had a lot of friends. Then I re-closeted ( is that a real term? It should be) at about age 32, got married, had kids and I've been pretending to be straight for about 25 years. I have never felt right or comfortable in the straight world. But now I'm venturing out into the gay world, and I'm not comfortable anymore. I haven't found my place yet, I'm "betwixt and between". If you're able to, join a coming out group. ---------- Post added 9th Dec 2013 at 05:10 PM ---------- Also, right now, I have regrets all the time. Building a new life isn't easy. Scared. Lonely. Confused. Out of place.
thanks all, i mean, i recently came out to a friend of mine (male) another friend of mine knows (two females). and i guess in a way i have come out to all the gay people in the gay community by going to some gay events and parties. im in my late 30s. i am not really a club kinda guy. i'm not into parties around people i dont know where everyone is gay and living up their gayness. i mean that's good and all but it just not for me. i only go sometimes because its like "ok, gee whiz you want to meet someone for a change and you're not going to do that in your room" and trying to figure out if some guy is gay or straight or bi is not a path i feel like going down again and again, so i have to go where the gays go in order to meet the gays. the only thing is that the gays are often too gay for me. i'm not in my 20s. going to clubs to meet and dance and hook up with people, well that's not "fun" for me. there's NOTHING there if you want something real and serious. but on the other hand, i can't say that the more high brow gay stuff i have been to was any better. the bottom line is that i like straight guys because there is just a level of heteronormative behavior that i can identify with and seem to share. it's not right or wrong, but it is what i feel most comfortable with and find so very hard to find in homonormative environments. i dont want to meet a guy and he calls me "baby" or tries to touch me. i hate that. people do this in so-called professional gay environments. i just want to interact with men as another man and not a "gay man" whatever that is supposed to mean. i just want to interact with them like i do other straight guys. but its hard because things always seem to go homonormative and since i do not fit into that arena, i just feel like giving up. i'm not a jock musclehead guy that wants to join a gay sports league. im just your average joe kinda guy that just so happens to want to meet others like me. the thing is, i'm really starting to believe those kinda guys like me are in the closet or married and at this point, i can't blame them. being able to own yoru own truth and be who you are is great. but do to that and still feel as alone as you did before kinda sucks. instead of finding a community of people that i can identify with, i seemed constantly in front of people i cannot identify with and only share the same general same sex attractive in common. then going to a straight event is just so depressing becuase you see all these countless guys that you think "wow, that would be someone i woudl be into" but you know you that can't ever be. then you never see people like that in the gay community. it's just a no win situation and i feel like giving up everything now. now i'm out to the other gay people and in some community that i just do not feel like i belong in. anyone can relate? matt1187 sounds like we're having the same experience.
I came out in my thirties as bi'. My few gay friends said I was too straight acting. The women I dated got jealous when I looked at a guy that way. Being bisexual was just another form of denial for me. Now at fifty I'm coming out all over again as a gay man. I was way too slow in admitting that I'm gay
I can certainly relate, but I have NEVER regretted coming out. Do I have a boyfriend? No. Am I engaging in efforts (very much outside of the club scene) to try and get one? Yep. I'm of a somewhat similar age, and just recently out. The difficulty in finding a partner at our age can't be underestimated - however, I think that when both of us finally do (and it WILL happen!), we'll both be better off for it. I'm not a muscular jock type, but I'm certainly not effeminate by any stretch of the imagination . I've been asked to go to clubs with some various guys, and I've turned them down - perhaps that was a bad move on my part, but I'm really not into that whole scene AT ALL. Hang in there, it's going to happen!
Yes, I can see why you chose the name "prettylonely". I feel the same way that you have expressed so elegantly. There is an attraction to men that is very strong, and it is not just physical, but also emotional. It is also to men who I would very much "be into" because they seem to be living the very normal kind of day-to-day life I feel comfortable living, not some kind of clubbing, drinking, party life. I meet them, get to know them as a straight man, get to like them and the things they like to do, then it can go no further, because being "straight" and married means I am double whammied. I can't even express my feelings to them, can't even give them a hug or touch them because that would cross the "straight" boundary line. All I can do is, at best, "be friends", and constantly on watch that I don't say too much or look too long, or let my guard down in any way. Even if I weren't still married, they would still be straight and presumably not receptive to my affection. I have been making attempts to meet more gay men lately, thinking that at least I might find someone in the same boat with whom I can talk face to face about things. Nothing can come of such meetings other than casual social contacts because even if I come out to them, I am still married. I have not yet found anyone that I am personally attracted to, but I am still trying. So far, like you, I don't seem to meet the same kind of people that I do in the "straight" crowd. And, even worse, I never seem to meet anyone in either crowd that appears to be "into me". No one has ever made an attempt to initiate a gay contact with me in my entire life. Of course, I don't expect the straight ones to do so, but it would be nice if at least ONE gay man who is not aware of my "straight" status would try to initiate some kind of interaction. Just one might be enough to get me to initiate some life changes, but in the absence of any encouraging developments, I continue to sit and observe these two worlds going by, neither of which I naturally fit into, because I am "too gay" for one, and seemingly not "gay enough" for the other. Anything I currently enjoy doing for recreation is done in my "straight" married world, not the gay one I should have joined. It will probably be like this the rest of my life, because I honestly see no way out for me, which is why I encourage the kids to come out while they are young if they can, and avoid building a closet for themselves which they can't get out of.
I have many similar fears like what you have mentioned above, if you were to look at me you would have no inclination that I have feelings towards other guys. I don't look the part if you know what I mean and in a way I wish I did so I could have other guys look at me and come up to me because I sure as hell am too shy to go up to them, at least right now. I'm quite, reserved, and am defiantly an introvert. I feel as if the gay community as a whole is more of a world for people with an extrovert's personality, who are into clubs, going out, and being social. I wish I could be more open about it at the moment but I guess I'm just not there yet. One fear I have is going out to a gay bar or similar environment and being hit on for one night stands, I want to meet someone but in no way am I a one night stand type. In order for me to be intimate with anyone I need to get to know them as a person as their personality plays an important role in my liking them. I know I said earlier that I wish guys would come up to me but I'm looking for what you are looking for as well and I'm sure what many others are also looking for too, and that's someone who is in it for more than just the sex. Stay strong there are people like us out there, I wish I could tell you where though because I'm searching for them myself even though this whole scene is relatively new to me and I am still figuring myself out. The only thing I know is that like you said earlier, we aren't gonna find someone by staying in our rooms, sometimes I think we are gonna have to venture outside our comfort zones and just keep in mind that there may be someone else outside of their comfort zone where we are going.
Hey guys. I too am recently out, middle aged and facing the dilemma of how to meet quality gay men in my local area. I am not into clubs and bars (even if I were, there aren't any where I live). I don't come off as stereotypically gay, so no guy is going to hit on me out of the blue. So, guess what, I decided to try one of the cell phone apps (starts with G, rhymes with finder). I was expecting a total sleaze fest, and that element is there to be sure. But I also found guys who just want to chat and are legitimately interested in building a friendship and seeing where things lead. I was lucky to find one such guy and arrange a dinner date and we really hit it off. And this was within about 2 weeks of using the app. So I say it's worth a try. You can share as much or as little about yourself as you're comfortable with. You don't have to use your name or post a profile picture. You can privately share your picture with someone after you've chatted a while and gotten to know a bit about them. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Reading this thread has reminded me why I worry so much about making certain I know what I want before making any huge jumps. I fear that if I do embrace the feelings I have, it won't really change anything and might make some things even more difficult for me. To anyone who has had the courage to embrace who they are, I tip my hat to you. I understand the courage it must have taken and probably continues to take. Ultimately you need to be true to yourself and anyone worth being in your life will come around. Best of luck in finding what you seek prettylonely
Ok... Take this from the perspective that it comes from the closet that I'm still sitting in... But, there appears to be a lot of us who have this how do I fit... or what world do I fit into question lingering in our minds. In my case, I know that I'm gay and cannot foresee that changing. Much like Arturoenrico, I had the opportunity to explore the lifestyle in my 20s and returned to the closet. The club scene back then (early 80s, dear god I'm old) was a little too intense for me. I guess it's all relative, but when I see people on this board in their late 30s and 40s lament that they're too old... It scares the hell out of me. But, at the end of the day, I remember this is more about me being me. I keep remembering that this is a journey, it will take time and who I am will continue to evolve. It's also inspiring that people are jumping all over this thread... It means that there are more of us. Who knows, maybe we'll qualify for our own group... LGBT "hetronormative"
There have been a lot of posts on this and other threads the last few days about not fitting in in the gay community and not being able to find people not just for hook ups. I have to say it is causing great anxiety that I am doing the right thing by destroying my wife and devastating the children. Is it going to be worth it to give up everything(although my wife claims I will not be losing anything) for a chance at happiness? Adding to the stress is that I've been trying to find gay social group events to attend and no luck yet. Sorry I am just really freaking out lately
I know... I totally get it. But, I also know the pain I feel with it bottled up inside. I know how good it's felt to come out Tia couple of receptive people, I know that there will be pain and heartache ahead... But there will be happiness too. I want to have the cake and eat it too... But, I know that doesn't work.
hi guys and ladies, thanks for all the support. i know people would tell me all tlhe time, you have to come out, you have to come out you have to come out, and i always thought.....WHY? i mean, why do people need to know what i like and have a hint to what i may or may not like sexually. i am a very private person by nature and i just felt that it was all too intrusive and none of anyone's business. i still feel that way. but being the the closet has been painful too. since i am what people may consider "straight acting" it was hard because women would be attracted to me and i would have to play the friend role up very well to keep things solid but it also meant keep a distance from them even as a friend becuase if i didnt they would always start to like me and start asking questions. then guys it was the same thing. guys would think i was straight and always want to talk about chasing women.....so i couldn't hang with those guys either because i wasn't chasing women and i could never find guys that wanted to be my friend and talk about things other than women and sports. on top of all of that, i had no way to meeting guys to date other than online and that always seemed to be a fail, so there I was....stuck. going to clubs and stuff felt like a secret escape because i could hide in the club and noone would really see me. it was my way to test the gay waters and not have to committ to them. but as i wanted to meet and date people, club guys were never good for that and online guys were never reallly good matches, so i found myself alone or always mentally hiding and playing a mental game of chess with my "straight" friends to keep them off the trail and keep them believing what i wanted them too. trying to meet gay guy friends hasn't been very easy. it seems as though if i am not putting out, they have no interest in me as far as being friends. so there you have it....alone and mentally drained. so when a friend of mine (female) asked me how dating was, i just came out eventually because i was sooooo tired of making up stories or avoiding the dating questions. it felt good to be honest but also felt naked too. also i hear guys that i know that are in the closet say things like , "i dont go to gay clubs or bars in my own city". they do that so that they aren't outted in their same city. and now with all the camera and video phones at the clubs these days, you'll never know what website you'll end up on. its just too much stress. so although i'm not sure that gay or bi really fits me, i have told a few friends that i am attracted to both, exploring myself and not putting on labels. that feels a little good and there's a part of me that feels like maybe i'm making a mistake and maybe i shoudl be like the guys i do know that are in the closet. but i dont want to be like them. most of them are just having random hookups with random guys or hooking up with a small pool of other people that are in the closet group. part of me feels like im risking my own reputation by coming out slowly where other people get to stay in the comfort of being "straight" where i may been seen as gay and people sadly mistake gay with = effeminate. there's nothign wrong with being effeminate, but i do not want yet another label that does not suit me. one thing i do know is that i do not want to be alone. i have been alone for a long time. partly becuase i'm scared of random sex and partly because i just have not had the opportunity to meet someoen that really wants to get to knwo me as a person and not a sex tool. but lets say i did meet this awesome guy that i have been waiting to meet, i know that being both in the closet and living this closet love fantasy is not likely. even if that was the case, what i have learned is that the closet would make you live a life of hiding. you wouldn't want to be seen doing certain things because that would "look too gay". going to the grocery store together would be suspect, going to the planetarium together as two single guys, would be questionable at night. doing other "romantic" types of things would always be a source of cover up. that is not the type of life that i want to live and i do not think a relationship like that can survive. i know that if i met an awesome guy and he was out, that i would have to meet his friends and do other "normal" things that couples do and if i was too afraid to do that, i could lose him. living in hiding has been so draining on me as it is, so i think that learning how to be comfortable with myself can only help if i meet that special guy. right now i have not met him but it's scary charting this course solo right now. thanks for listening guys.
I never thought I'd come out. My wife, as many know, initiated the process for me (!) Once the process began, I thought I'd take a long time to complete it :eusa_liar , and many of you will remember my last mad dash to be done with the whole thing. Now I'm in Vermont and have to decide how to build my new life. I am not freaked out about it. I've found peace. I have support from a lot of folks, many from EC. I know who I am and the anticipation of being finally free to explore is often overwhelming. I didn't want to hurt my wife and my kids, but discovered that in the numb place I have been trapped in for so long, I really could just walk away. I won't do that I think, but the temptation is there and it is there because I...what...pretended to be someone I'm not? Desired a life genuinely that I couldn't somehow rise to? Not sure, not really, except here on this side of being out, all the things that kept me hidden and unsure don't even make sense anymore. I'm only left with where will I go today. How do I want to live out this time in my life? And I keep my self in check with the family by asking what kind of man do I want my children to see their father as? Happy, not angry and grouchy as they are used to seeing. At peace, instead of the tense idiot that they expect me to be. Intimate and physical, yeh, I'd like them to see even the simple things they've never seen their parents doing like kissing and holding hands/each other. I don't just want these things for them, I want them for me and I want my wife to find them too. So how will I move on now that I've finally arrived in OZ? Not sure, in a way that makes sense to me. For those of you who are also going your own way, good luck and happy hunting. For those not sure if you want to cross the rainbow bridge, I understand and respect that. But never ever forget, the should of's, could of's, would of's, could be's, might be's and what if's aren't real. They are simply not real. What is real is you, your heart, your loved ones and your collective happiness. Attend to it the best you may realizing that there are a hundred different possible solutions that could work. Staying together, moving on. Sometimes forcing a break up is like a drastic pruning that helps a dying plant spring back into life. My wife saw that, that's why she pushed and pushed and pushed until I could face myself so we could both move on. Good luck to us all.
wow palimpses, you could have been me if i got married. can i ask you a question. since you have kids, you obviously can have sex with women and to some extent are functionally bi. was the desire for men always there and was it a big deepseated desire of was it somethign that grew in time? now that you're in your late 30s, what's next?
Well, there are some cans filled with worms in these lines!! Could I have been bi? Perhaps. Simple facts, I never ever initiated sex, in fact, I was cornered even on starting to date. It was the proposing that I did, but my family spent a good month after a few years of sitting on the fence to get me there :eusa_danc The last time we had sex is the time that we conceived or the time after that (her birthday or mine, and yes, that was a really long f:***:ing time ago, but who's counting?) I thought we should be, but never really wanted too. And now, if I think about having sex with her (or females in general) my mind and body don't go to happy places. So, that is all really unfiltered. Another fun fact, I have only ever been with my wife. So how do I know, well, I just do. Trust me and if you don't, read my other posts and if not then, message me. So now that I am in my 30's? Get divorced, don't f:***:ck over my kids. Have sex, preferably with a BF because that is the way I am anyway (not the hook up kind of persona). Decide if I want to be a gay pastor, but only after I enjoy my career restart next month. Was the desire for men always there yes. What sold me was not the dreams, fantasies, porn or even physical attraction. No my last hurdle, for myself and to myself, was when I realized that I am emotionally bound to my own gender. When you put all of those things together, I can confidently tell you, I had no idea what gay really was until July; let alone that I was absolutely unequivocally gay myself. So there it is, all the worms in what I hope is the fertile soil of a much more fulfilled life to come. For my entire family at that. ---------- Post added 10th Dec 2013 at 10:41 PM ---------- PS: I will also add that I would like to cuddle, make out and have lots of physical contact with a guy that I care about or could see myself caring about. I want to live, truly live, in a way that I have made myself numb to, blind to and oblivious about for these past hover many years (well beyond my marriage).
