Hi All I'm new - so be gentle! Does anyone recognise this feeling? I came out when I was about 17 - I'm now approaching 50 - that just seems so wrong, aren't 50 year olds supposed to be adults? When I came out - about 1981 - I was absolutely positive about my sexuality - I was driven by lust and longing to meet and date men. Now - after 2 longterm relationships - and after 30+ years of reading about sexuality and took a strong interest in "being gay" in an attempt to try to understand myself, and be able to discuss myself intelligently with anyone who cares to listen.... I'm finding that my feelings are harder to define now. Where everything used to be black and white there is so much that is gray - or pastel shades anyway. What used to be exciting - sexually - still does the job, but I'm a bit bored with it - but I can't change it, it's who I am - maybe I'm a bit bored with who I am - can that be? I mean, I know all my weaknesses, I can predict when I will be rubbish in life, and conversely, I know what I can do well, but I seem to be losing interest a bit - is that natural? Does anyone else feel like that at times? It's not something I feel able to discuss with anyone in my life - it feels so negative, and down.
I don't think much of anything is black and white--least of all with sex. Maybe the boredom has to do with -- or overlaps with other things in your life. As we approach a time when there will be major changes in our bodies--and begin to see and feel them, there's likely to be a period of transition that's part closure and, at the same time, a new beginning. When all you can feel is the closure--saying goodbye to youth, that can be a difficult time. When we're young, coming to terms with our sexuality is challenging and exciting--keeps the blood flowing. But it doesn't stop, ya know.... it doesn't stop, but it does change or we end up with arrested development--or one of those old people who, because they can't deal with their own aging bodies, are driven to find sexual partners in their 20's and 30's. Maybe you need some kind of challenge, something you've wanted to do but hadn't the time, or were afraid you weren't good enough--something that's a little scary, like sex when you're 18! I'm going on 73 this coming year, and I find there's been a shift in my life, a kind of reversal. That when I was young, being in love and sexually excited, got me excited and interested in EVERYTHING, anything I was doing. Sexual energy was the juice, the fuel. Now, it's more the other way around. I'm passionately in love with making art, and writing... and I find that its those things that now fuel my sexual energy! When I'm making art, I feel 'young' in that way--exploring again, learning, accepting myself--discovering that attraction isn't all about youth and ideal beauty. I'm happier than I've every been in my life. "It gets better" is something we never have to stop telling ourselves! Wishing you new adventures on the great adventure of living in a messed up world on this beautiful, terrifying planet.
Hey sandrew255, welcome to EC! This is such an interesting thread. Yes, you are going through a transition, from the excitements of youth to a different, and to my mind, better age. DesertTortoise has it right, now it's no longer about youth and ascendancy or even ambition (though those things will still be there). It's about awakening new passions, living as if this was your first day, and letting go of regrets or thinking that you aren't capable of starting new things. If you're like me, you are approaching a time of synthesis, of finding meaning in your life, of trying to "make sense" of it all. Aging, when done well, is precisely the time to begin understanding what your life has been about. It's a time to find out what truly matters and to let go of what doesn't. It's a time to make amends, with others and especially with yourself; and to move on. It may all seem gray, but that's what happens when you mix various distinct colours, i.e. when you try to make sense of the muck of feelings that possess us, you get shades of gray (not the literary reference, I'm afraid!). But that's just it: talk to any artist who paints and he or she will tell you that gray has many, many shades, it's not just mixing black and white in varying degrees. You will get very unique grays from mixing blue, red and green, for example. And any colour will be different depending on the colours that surround it. You are trying to understand so many different feelings and it becomes almost impossible to tease each one out of the tangle. In fact, this subtle shade of gray is precisely the end result of everything put together in your life. The fifties, to me, are my best years, youth and good health are still there, but guided by the mish-mash of my own experience. But even if health were to falter, I would still try to find meaning in that too... Now is the time to cultivate old passions that once interested you but for which you could never find the time. I have found that working with my hands, making things, really awakens new intelligences. Welcome your life and honour the age that you are. I know this is difficult in a youth-obsessed culture, but it is essential.
Greatwhale and DesertTortoise Thankyou for taking the time to respond. You have offered a perspective I hadn't really considered, but it's not something I can process quickly, so I am not going to attempt to respond in length. Being a Brit, I struggle with self analysis - we tend, I think, to shy away from being too earnest. We cloak our interactions in irony and humour. But I will definitely be reading and re-reading what you have said. Thanks xxx
You're welcome! I'd like to just add a couple of things. One thing I like about the Brits is that they seem to harbour a rather large number of eccentrics. I think that's all to the good. Aging well also means allowing oneself to grow into one's own eccentricities. To become more yourself, as it were. And talking about sex and love; there too we older gents tend to be able to recognize both of these more clearly and to handle the emotions that come with love with a little more grace and honesty than when we were younger. At this age, I truly think the need for love is as strong as ever, but different, in some fundamental way, from what it was when younger. Vive la différence!
