really struggling with future

gm42 - thinking about "lasts" is emotional -- it sure was for me/ is for me.

I remember last Christmas putting up the tree, having family over, and knowing it would be the last time in that house. Very hard at times.

now its a year later. I have a tree, with lights, not yet decorated !, stockings on the fireplace. I'm thrilled to do this Christmas for me. I am unsure about exactly who will be here, I won't see my daughter. Its not "perfect."

I've never been happier. Its a process and journey.

Hugs

 

Gaymarried 42: In January My husband said to me "I don't want a roommate"
Translation: No sex. No living together. I tried. It was like having my soul stomped on. I felt like a "Ho". I felt used. Further lowered my self esteem which was already low.
I came out to be who I am. I'm gay. Not bisexual.
Like Pete I knew last year would be the last family Christmas.
Its not easy but overall I'm happy. I'm free to be me for the 1st time in my life. Its worth all the stuff I went thru to get here.
(*hug*)

 

The truth is there are no guarantees. The road to happiness will be long, painful and unpredictable. But look at it this way... If you stay, you know you'll never have happy, fulfilled life. If you go, at least you have a chance.

 

Since you quote Brandi Carlile I thought I might quote Carole King. She has helped me in the past.

There'll be good times again for me and you
But we just can't stay together don't you feel it too?
Still, I'm glad for what we had
And how I once loved you

Carole King - It's Too Late Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Wish you well,

psq

 

I've been out and separated for over 3 years now and to me, it's definitely worth it. The first holidays are rough in that you have to start your new traditions, but it's nice to define what those traditions will be. I still see my kids and ex and I still do things with them. But I wouldn't ever go back. I'm now free to be me and it feels great. You just have to get past the time of hurt and change as quickly as you can. And for each "last" thing, there's a "first" thing waiting to replace it.

 

I'm rather in the same boat or will be very soon. I'm planning on coming out to my wife after the holidays with our vicar, probably the end of January. I don't want what may be our last family holiday to be filled with kind of Wasp-y snarking that has become my wife and my personal style of fighting...lots of poison toads and few raised voices. My wife has a strong suspision that I'm gay. I'm most anxious about the future, however, I trust in God, that this is were I needto be. Psalm 139 been a help to me. I feel fortunate to have found an accepting Christian community. Sorry, if this sounds preachy. If it's helpful great, if not move on. For me, not admitting who I was to my God, was a huge revelation. I've been trying to rid myself from and asking god to change what He had created. It's the same as asking him to change the spots on a leopard. Cannot be done.

My big issue now is having met someone that I find really attractive. And it's been ages since I've dated or hooked up with anyone. To say I'm horny would be an understatement. I was out looking to meet new friends rather than melt into someone's arms. I want to be the aggressor and at the sametime hunted. Then there's the still being married thing...a huge paradigm.

Suggetions, opinions, Attitudes?

 

My personal opinion is that you've got enough to deal with regarding coming out that you shouldn't date. I think you run the risk of adding insult to injury regarding your wife. At least for me, I did my best to keep things good between my wife and I since we had kids and would always be in each others lives. Plus I had a lot of work that I needed to do on myself before I was ever ready to date. This is just my opinion.

 

Thanks for the sound advice, KneeDragger. I think I already knew the answer. i just needed to hear it from someone else. I've honored my vows thus far; no need to rub salt into what I imagine will be a signifigant wound even if she does suspect my orientation. There's enough on my plate already without a fling. Thanks again.

 

Well, my charming spouse has been in her edgy mood that has cast a pall over every holiday for 2 straight decades, and I finally barked at her today after the umpteenth "I have to do this and I have to do that or none of the gifts will be taken care of...", and the complaint that no one helps her (although no one does anything right if they DO help her, so there is no winning). She snapped at me once the girls were in the car that if she would hit me she could, and I need to "get my gay ass laid and out of here". Apparently I now have the blessing. I warned her that if she wants me out, the girls will come with me because they are tired of her behavior as well, and she stormed off to take them shopping for their cousins. Perhaps this whole "friendship" thing that I have been hoping for as our future is less probable than I had hoped.

 

I don't think its either/or. For me, I couldn't break the commitment by having sex with men before I told my ex it was over. At the same time I was seeing guys as friends, no sex.

Honoring who you are, in all dimensions, including sexually, is part of coming out. Admitting you're attracted and attractive to men -- is great! Sex does not equal relationship, after all. That goes both ways -- my advice is to keep in touch with your horniness and emotional needs with men... again, they're not necessarily the same. Don't expect having sex leads to relationship or having an emotional connection with a gay man will lead to sex.

 

That's a really valid point Pete. As someone brand new to the gay dating scene, it's a challenge knowing where the line is between friendships, hookups and relationships. I've found the rules are different than straight dating in that no-strings-attached sex is much easier to come by. Seems like there's a high probability of getting hurt or hurting someone when the two people's understanding of the nature of the relationship don't line up.

 

Thank you, this really helped me today! I agree with this so much!!

 

I like Spaceman' s advice. I have been on the sidelines watching my life pass me by. Maybe things are better now than I think they are and the grass isn't greener on the other side. By making a move next year, at least I'll know. I'm ready to take the chance instead of waking up in another 10-20 years wondering what if. I wish I had only awakened sooner, but that's another post.

 

Well, to make things more complicated...The lovely 40ish Irishman who made me crazy was available only that evening...Apparently a one time offer...Maybe not...He's in grad school...Available in February...Indeed sex and relationship are not, not, to be equated...I just want a good rogering or warm body to hug for a long time.

Here it is Christmas eve...The kids are making their annual tent...My wife is making gumbo...I'm left in the study with "NCIS" and you guys...My youngest daughter sangin the youth choir and I served as acolyte...It was a small congregation...We should have celebrated in the chapel...I'll miss the "bells and smells" or the the 10:30 mass, but the sermon brought me to tears...The Christmas story with a new twist...Pregnant, poor, teenage mother...Her disenfranchised status...Our disenfranchisement (i. e. gays)...The pregnant teen's, "Yes," to Jesus for which the world should be grateful...Sorry, didn't mean to be preachy.

Carnal and spiritual...Two sides of the same coin...Hence, Chaucer's popularity.

Tears were also in large part, because this may be my last Christmas with my family...Anyhow...I wish I could give all of you a hug and an eggnog...Happy Christmas.

 

Hi,

Remember, this is not a death, not a punishment, but a birth of truth for you.

Birth can be a scary process, all that unknown.

But it is an adventure, a learning experience, a journey.

Your life is not ending, it is just beginning. A little late but better late than never.

Don't think of this as walking away from ruins, but rather building something shiny, new and honest.

Love buddy. Give yourself a break.

Tom

 

@psq

It's too late, baby now, it's too late. Though we really did try to make it. Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it.

Is that how the song goes? My mum had them on tape when I was little and I used to listen to them. Haven't heard them since I was about 10! How true those lyrics are!

---------- Post added 25th Dec 2013 at 02:29 PM ----------

@psq

It's too late, baby now, it's too late. Though we really did try to make it. Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it.

Is that how the song goes? My mum had them on tape when I was little and I used to listen to them. Haven't heard them since I was about 10! How true those lyrics are!

 

Tscott- it's so good to have another episcopalian around here. Thank you for relaying that take on the Christmas story and Skiff/Tom - thank you for reminding us it's about birth and new life.

I'm having a hard time with my extended famil today. 38 years old and yet I feel like a child. My mom and aunt asked me not to tell my grandparents and my mom lied to her sisterinlaw about my dating life. It's really shut me down emotionally.

I can't wait to get back to my real life - my girlfriend, my church, my city where I'm out.

 

HopeFloats -

So sorry you're having a hard time with your family.

Fortunately, I'm an only and both parents are gone. Despite being the best parents one could hope for, they're certainly responsible in large part for my being in denial for so long. Tough, but tender, Marine Corps father, who died at 47, and a mother who said I had a choice between being gay, leaving forever (with a cheque for $50,000), and disgracing the family name, or continue being her son. This was 2 years after Daddy died. I was 23.

See It could be worse. I know your family seems to be slighting you horribly, but what is to be gained if it upsets your grandparents. I mean how old are they? as to the other they're just covering their own insecurities. Being honest is the way to go, but they're really hurting themselves.

Gotta go cut the roast. Have a happy Christmas and be the bigger person. Lots of bear hugs.

 

After writing that out here, putting words to my feelings, I was actually able to go interact more and be close to my usual, talkative, cheerful self. It's really helpful to be able to express my frustration here. On the way home, I also talked to my mother about it. She said I should tell them (the younger generation) when I'm ready. I think she lied because she thought that's what I wanted. Anyway, thanks for being here everyone.