Last night I was in floods of tears and wracked with very strong emotions of pain, grief, and guilt after watching a 3 part Swedish (English subtitles) true life mini-series about a group of gay men in the late 80s coming to terms with the AIDS epidemic in Stockholm. The film called “Don’t Ever Wipe Tears without Gloves” is available for a few more days on the BBC iPlayer. I don’t know if it’s available worldwide or only in certain countries but if you can view it you should, and with a big box of tissues. I will not post a link to it directly because I don’t think it’s suitable for the very young members of the site. WARNING – The documentary film is very graphic and upsetting from opening few seconds but gives an important insight to gay life 25+ years ago. Why did it affect me so much? “There but for the grace of God go I” sums it up so well. In the period the film was set I would have been late 20s, a similar age to some of the characters in the film that charts the life of 2 main characters, both late teens and just coming to terms with being gay. In 1989 I had just learned of the death of my best friend from my teenage years with whom I had lost contact after we went to University; he had died from AIDS. I only realised I am gay in my mid 40s but looking back I can recall times in the mid-70s when my best friend hinted at experimentation and my internal homophobia firmly rejected it. I think at the time neither of us really understood what it was to be gay but clearly my friend was more adventurous and became openly gay during his University years. Had I been open to experimentation in the 70s then I would have realised then that I was gay and have had lots of unprotected sex with the very strong likelihood of suffering the same fate. I have had a very lucky escape but after watching the film feel very strong survivor guilt especially after seeing some of the presumably accurate scenes set in the hospital during the final days of Rasmus. I also feel guilt that I did not attend his funeral, I didn’t know he had died or was gay until a mutual friend told me afterwards. His funeral was from all accounts similar to the ones in the film attended by many others who were suffering from AIDS. As I write this, the day after watching the film, I am still in tears thinking how my friend must have suffered. Has anyone else seen this film and had a similar lucky escape, how have you dealt with the survivor guilt? Sale Gay Guy
Hugs Friend. I have not seen the film but I think I might now. Those were such fear filed times- Do you remember the Dentist autoclave safety debates as an example? I lived w/friends & friends of friends after college.(80's) One had AIDS. I was ashamed of my quiet fear. A few years later My landlord's brother who was in the later stages of AIDS, lived in another apt. I was determined not to be ignorant or afraid. I hugged him one day. I worried a little afterwards. Thinking of that still bothers me. Was my true intent to make him feel better or me? If you visit San Francisco go to the AIDS Memorial Grove. Its beautiful & peaceful. Its a place to say whats in your heart & a goodbye. (&&&) (After posting just noticed your in the U.K.....)
Thank you Rose for the kind words. I think the grief caused by watching the film was really the first time I have ever grieved properly for my friend, I don’t ever recall having floods of tears at the memory of his passing. I have not been to the memorial in San Francisco but have said a silent prayer to him several times when I have visited the Key West AIDS Memorial but never really let go as I did last night. I also feel guilty that have not yet attended the AIDS memorial vigil in Manchester’s gay village at the end of pride week. This is my first year out of the closet so I will make a point of going next year. I do remember the issues regarding Dentists and the fear that some people had of touching known gay people. I was appearing in a play during the period that AIDS was starting to make headline news on the nightly TV news shows. I recall a dispute starting where the real life husband of the leading lady insisted that she not kiss the leading man, her stage husband, because he was openly gay. To this day I also feel disturbed that HIV-Negative gay people can’t donate blood because of prejudice. I suffer an incurable blood disorder because of too much iron in my blood and have to regularly have blood taken to stay alive; this perfectly good iron rich blood has to be thrown away just because I am gay. Sale Gay Guy P.S. I am glad you decided to stay on EC, your input is so welcome.
I'm wondering how the fear of AIDS affected many of our 'Later in Life' folks here on EC & their decision to not come out if they knew they were gay back then. Especially in the late 70's thru early 90's. Many people did think gay & AIDS went together and of course that all gays slept around. Being gay during that time had so much fear attached to it both for those who were/are gay and peoples perception of gay folks (especially men). (*hug*) (&&&)
I am sure, in my case at least, that it subconsciously held me back. In those days I was involved in the theatre and with rock bands and knew many gay guys including others who died from AIDS, I saw them as friends and acquaintances but never felt attracted to them sexually or romantically. I had all the opportunity in the world to discover my gay self but something held me back and perhaps it was the fear of AIDS, although I had gay friends before anyone knew about of its existence.
I will definitely look it up. Sounds very powerful. I can remember many, many times in college where I scanned the personals (we're about the same age, SGG--remember the days before the internet?) for "men seeking men" or "couples seeking men" in the hopes of hooking up with someone, and even checked into where I might be able to find a gay bar in the town where I went to college. I chickened out every time, not really out of homophobia, but because I was very paranoid about catching something or other. (That same sort of paranoia kept me away from a lot of drug experimentation, too--I was convinced I'd try the wrong stuff and drop dead.) I only had a vague understanding of AIDS at the time--I was extremely naive--but I worried about getting some STD or other. And let's be honest, I was afraid I would enjoy it too much, and hooking up with anonymous people in general, not only guys, really did not fit in with the wife and kids narrative that I had built up in my mind as the ultimate goal for my life. Looking back, it's kind of shocking to think that just one of those encounters with the wrong person could have cost me my life. By the way, I'd take your blood in a heartbeat (hah). I have a genetic disorder that causes a percentage of my capillaries to be malformed and occasionally rupture, and the end result is basically daily nosebleeds and assorted internal blood leakage here and there. So I'm usually very short on iron, and have to take several supplements a day or else I get so anemic that I'm too weak to walk a flight of stairs without stopping.
During the 80's I really do believe it was a major factor in keeping me in the closet (I have inherited my father's hypochondria). In the mid-nineties I learned my sister had AIDS from her drug-addled male partner who "experimented" with guys. That put a second lock on the closet door...and a moat beyond it.
GW- I don't have the words...Just big hugs. Rose. I was thinking. Maybe we could designate a time/day for a few moments of silence/prayer for those we have lost to AIDS & in support of our EC family members who have lost friends/family to AIDs/or have loved ones living w/HIV/AIDS (&&&)
AIDS was the one BIG reason that I couldn't accept facing who I was in the '80's. I went completely into the closet and locked the door. Over the years I have seen several gay friends and family members die of AIDS, and that just further kept the light out in my closet as well. FEAR is the closet.
Colin, I have to disagree. The 80's was not a death sentence because you lived a gay life. I had lots of unprotected sex from the early 70's thru the late 80's and never contracted any STD. How? I was monogamous with my partner. I have never bought into the gay culture of hook-ups, serial monogamy or open relationships. Do a lot of guys tell me I am wrong? Yup, but it is my choice. If I cannot trust my partner with my life why the heck am I with him? Lots of gays cannot do it and feel monogamy is impossible. Yeah, if you buy into gay culture it is impossible. Lots of straights achieve it and if they can we can. Tom
Sale.. I saw 50% of one episode. Looked very well made and very powerful.. I will try BBC iPlayer tomorrow. I too think Aids was another reason - or excuse - to stay in the closet...
I am so sorry for your loss (&&&) I too know people who have been affected, it is not possible to have lived in Hollywood in the 80's and not have known people who were.
Without a doubt, the AIDs crisis hit home. My father in law was (is) gay (and married to a woman), and he actively was supporting a number of dying gay men. He was there when no one else would reach out, he'd arrange their funerals when no family stepped up. (parenthetically, he's a gay man I would model my life after). All those fantasies and desires I had about men, stayed bottled up all those years of my marriage. Yes, I believed in commitment. But seeing first hand what AIDs was doing - was a horrific time, and also a time of seeing wide open generosity by some to our community. It shapes me now, too. Struggling with monogamy, or not, and what the risks are. My doc (a gay man), says STDs are an occupational hazard of single gay men. I set my boundaries about safer sex and with whom I have sex, but every STD screen has some anxiety for me.
Just so you all know, it's true here in Montreal as it is elsewhere (statistics are cold but are uncanny truth-tellers): one of the groups with the fastest growth rate of STDs, including new HIV infections, is the cohort of "committed" gay couples. Not large in absolute numbers but clearly, and sadly, being in a committed relationship can actually be a risk factor! To Prevent HIV Infection, Couples Try Testing Together : Shots - Health News : NPR Yes, I also have anxiety when I get tested every 6 months, but I fear it's not just applicable to single gay men.
Big hugs, SaleGayGuy! I'm sorry for your loss (&&&), maybe this came at the right time when you were ready to handle your grief for your dear friend after being out for a year. I didn't see the series but I've read the books by Jonas Gardell and I have to admit that I was in tears then, too. In the early eighties I was just a child and did not pay much attention to AIDS also being well protected. There was not one gay person in my life. I'm deeply thankful to Jonas Gardell for his opening my mind by writing these books and giving me a hint about how it has been when AIDS came to Sweden. My girlfriend ( she read the books, too) and I have stood at the gay meeting point at central station in Stockholm and tried to imagine how life might been for all the gay people who've met there. Jonas is my hero for being openly gay. He is very present in public and Swedish TV, has a show called 'My Only Life' on theater which my girlfriend and I intend to watch. He has a great sense of humor and the ability to touch people deep in their hearts and is a great role model for all LGBT-people in Sweden. SGG, I hope that you will be able to attend the Aids memory vigil at pride week next year. (*hug*)
The emotional and mental open window for coming out would have been in the mid-50's to 60's for me. I didn't. Hopelessly buried and only recently reclaimed. I can't tell you how many times similar thoughts have crossed my mind. What if...?
Hi all and a happy new year I had taken a break from the computer over Christmas to spend time with the family so just catching up on EC now. Many thanks for all your kind words, and a big hug to GW for your sister. Sale Gay Guy P.S. I’ve just realised its 1 year since I joined EC so a special thank you to all of you who have offered me advice and encouragement over the last year. I did not imagine 12 months ago that I would have accepted finally that I am gay and be out of the closet to my wife.
For me, this story tore open an old wound. Back in the late 80's I knew guy quit well. Not really in the group of friends I was hanging out with, more like an acquaintance. He was popular and well liked. He was gay, but "open-minded" as people were, that didn't stop them even admiring him. UNTILL he got AIDS. From one day to the other, he was a pariah. When I suggested to pay him a visit on his sickbed, people looked in horror at me and blatantly refused. So I went on my own. One of the most horrible 60 minutes in my life. Later my family found out I visited him. They made me promise NEVER EVER to do that again. And I didn't! I even didn't go to his funeral because I didn't want to be a hypocrite. One of the biggest mistakes in my life, which I regretted ever since. Some times I try to find an excuse in fact that I was young. But be honest, that's not really an excuse, is it? Having seen all this, I was determined. This won't happen to me. I was to reject my sexuality, I was not gay. And here I am. 25 years later, and still closeted. BUT, we're working on it. Work in progress.
