A few weeks ago I posted here for advice. I have been married for about 10 years, but I am currently involved in an extra-marital affair with a lesbian. (I know that is wrong, I do.) Since I posted, a few things have changed a bit. I have been speaking very firmly and decidedly with my husband about divorce. I also had a consultation with a divorce lawyer. Ever since my husband realized how serious I am about divorce, he has turned into an angel. Except for one occasion where he lost control for an entire day in front of my family, my husband has been a lamb. No endless complaining. No fights. It is making my marriage almost seem good, making me feel I could stick this out forever. Except for the physical intimacy and the sex. I don't feel connected to him anymore. I care for him and don't want to see him hurt. But, there is something missing. And, of course, then there is sex. Our sex life has already been terrible for years. To get myself through it, I do long multiplication in my head or practice memorization techniques. He doesn't even notice I am not present. We had not had sex since my affair started, but last night I forced myself to do it. I thought that since we were getting along, perhaps having sex with him would feel good. I felt nothing. When he was kissing me or when he was touching me, at best I felt nothing. At worst, I felt revolted. In the meantime, sex with the girl I am seeing continues to be mind blowing. Nearly three months into our physical relationship, we cannot get enough of each other. When I think of the future, I envision myself with a woman, in bed and outside. Yet, I remember a time when I found sex with men pleasurable. Never as good as with women, but acceptable. Then again, I was a teenager and a young adult when Ellen was still a pariah and DOMA seemed set in stone. I knew that if I wanted a stable, legally-sanctioned relationship it would be with a man. So, I am wondering now if I forced myself to be straight, to make my life easier. So, here I am years later, trying to figure out if I am a lesbian? Or if I am just blinded by the fact that I connect physically and emotionally with the woman I am with now in ways I never have with anyone before? I am curious to hear from the women on this board, how were you sure you were a lesbian, especially if you had been in long-term relationships with men before? I feel like I already know what the answer is for me. But it would be helpful to hear others' stories and experiences.
well, see for me, being lesbian is not just about "I like having sex with other womyn" (Um yeah I do) but it is the fact that I ONLY connect with other womyn, I can't imagine ever having any sort of relationship of any type with a man. I can be friends with some but that is all. and if all you are doing with her is having this affair and nothing else you need to check out your motivations. (or maybe you are bi) maybe you need a relationship with a man and sex with a womon. or something somehow an integration need to be made or some sort of complete relationship.
Hi hcorning, welcome to EC! Not a woman, but your story rings a bell with me. I am curious how you see great sex and deep emotional connection as blinding you...to what? To my mind, I see this as eye-opening, if anything. I also enjoyed sex with women, but compared to sex with a man, it's firecracker vs. atomic bomb. Now, atomic bombs do set off a blinding light, but I think this would be stretching the analogy a bit too far, except to say that I definitely "saw the light!". Trying to figure out if you fit a label is perhaps the wrong approach. I would suggest that you simply wear the label loosely, and create your own sexuality, as it were, simply because no label can possibly capture the nuances within each person. I am gay, but that's only a "working title".
During sex I'd think about everything but sex. TV shows, things to do grocery lists....was always tempted to get out of bed to write something down. Many of us share similar situations as far as being gay & married but made our choices based on different things. Childhood & life experiences. For some religion affected choices. Homophobia.... I have never been with a woman but know to my core I am 100% gay. There are many kinds of love. Like many here I really loved my husband/spouse deeply. That was not a lie. It just not the kind of love a man & wife should have. But also in saying out loud to myself that I was gay last August I also started to allow the other illusions I had created about my marriage to fall away too. Have you read the 5 stages of grief for parents/& families on the coming out link in welcome section? I re-read it a few days ago...I think when I joined in March my head was still spinning so did not get as much from it as I now have. (*hug*) ---------- Post added 21st Dec 2013 at 10:22 AM ---------- '"....simply wear the label loosely, and create your own sexuality, as it were, simply because no label can possibly capture the nuances within each person. I am gay, but that's only a "working title".' GW- Awesomeness!
Thanks to everyone for your replies and insights. givepeace: That is a good point, reminding me to check my motivations. I know I don't just need sex from this woman. I want to be with her. I want to hold her hand every day. I want to take care of her and make her happy. She makes me feel something I never felt with my husband. If it were just sex, it would be so easy. greatwhale: That is a useful analogy. I guess that is true for me too, fireworks vs. atomic bomb. Rose27: It is so funny that you mentioned making lists. I often have to remind myself not to reach for pen and paper to write down to-do list items that pop into my head while having sex with my husband. I feel awful saying that; we have had our problems, but he deserves better.
maybe you should go on a little road trip or vacation to "test drive " what a relationship with her might be like
Queenyana: Thanks for the suggestion. We already managed to spend five days together. Every second was great. It just felt right, even when we had differences of opinion.
I was with my ex-bf for nearly 8 years from when I was 16. I knew there was a problem with the physical side of the relationship from the start, but honestly put it down to a low sex drive for all those years. I enjoyed holding hands and being close but did not enjoy the sex ever. It seems stupid but I never imagined sex with a woman during that time, although I was always curious about lesbians and looking back at my childhood friends I guess I had a crush on a couple of them. But it was only when I met my now gf that these feelings exploded from somewhere and I actually turned into a sexual being, lol. I am still in the process of discovering how to enjoy sex with another person in terms of what I like and don't like etc, but being with her is in a totally different league than being with any man.I think the much stronger emotional connection we have is a big part of it.
Are you my twin ? I was with a guy for 7 years and I just thought I was asexual until one day I something clicked... I hooked up with a woman at the age of 27
I was married for 16 years to a male, a trans male and I dated males exclusively before then, but I yearned for a woman. I had crushes on them and wanted to be with one. I was too scared to act on it when I was younger however, so I found a trans man who was femminie and tried to have a straight marriage and get some of my needs met at the same time. I at times enjoyed sex with a man, but once I had sex with a woman, it was like the MOST amazing thing happened. Sex was a soul searing experience, I never had problems getting wet or staying that way, I focused on sex with her, I felt truly connected. I dated my wife while still married, so you are NOT alone in this, either. No one will judge you here because so many of us have been in this position. When push came to shove, the intimacy and love I felt for my female partners was SUCH a difference, I could not denigh I was gay any longer. To this day I wonder how Bi vs. Lesbian I am and where I sit on the Kinsey scale. I could love a male and enjoy holding hands, kissing and snuggling, but to truly enjoy the intimacy between two women, I would have to be with a woman. I would have to say, but only you know yourself, that you are not 100% straight. To what degree, and how you want to identify is up to you, but to be able to enjoy the bond and intimacy with a woman like you say you do, a straight girl would not have that with a woman. It would be a deep friendship an such, but never that 'connection' you feel with sex, and understanding if you were completely straight. I also felt I had a low sex drive and that it was my problem until I dated women. Amazing how high mine is now! LOL
Lipstick Leuger you always have the coolest and most descriptive posts. They're awesome to read because you seem to be so full of experiences and insight! I was never married but I remember back in the day when I forced myself to have a boyfriend....and I remember every time he would make an advance I'd get mad at him and told him and myself it was because I was having a bad day when in reality I was avoiding a bad lay LOL. I recall there being a beautiful woman who smiled at him this one day...I got extremely jealous. I told him that and he was thrilled. I kept telling myself that this was because I didn't want this woman to "steal my man" but we all know that it's really the other way around. It took me up until I was madly in love with another woman for like 5 years, seriously like Shakespeare status, couldn't eat nor sleep all I thought about was her. Then I got to the whole "she's just an exception" stage. That mindset didn't last so long...my hormones went bonkers once I started LETTING myself actually think what I wanted to think about which was and still is beautiful women. I think you answered your question. You are not in denial any more. You know that you want a woman in bed and out of it, so I think that should be a strong indicator for you.
Thanks to everyone for your responses. It is reassuring to hear your stories and see how they parallel mine. There seems to be an underlying theme which is that many of us found it possible to be with a man, but being with a woman is, in kgirl's words, "in a totally different league than being with any man." Yours stories make me feel less alone and sane. And, as forthelove says, your stories help me admit this is not a phase or an exception. I have to come to terms with who I am and who will make me happy. And lipstick, thanks for not judging me regarding the affair. I tried to talk to my closest friend about what is going on, but she cut me off saying she did not want to know about my affair. Part of me understands her reluctance, but she made me feel even more alone. Again, thanks everyone for your supportive comments.
Well, apparently your friend has never felt totally suffocated in a relationship that she felt she would die in. I remember that even though my husband and I decided to open up our marriage, I still felt guilty. Then I started to meet my now wifes friends, all of whom told me they went through the same thing! So, it helped me a lot to know that I was not alone. We judge ourselves so harshly, and others have no right to they have not walked in our shoes. ---------- Post added 23rd Dec 2013 at 04:33 PM ---------- I know! I was there also. My friends would be shocked that I was not jealous of other women flirting with my husband. Actually, I found myself wishing he would just get a girlfriend already to give me a 'legitimate' reason to divorce him, becuse I did marry him and I made my bed so I was sleeping in it(not happily mind you, looking for ways to avoid sex also....)I was worried that being a lesbian was nto a legitimate reason I guess. LOL How stupid it seems no that I look back. Now, looking back there were SO many red flags and I don't know how I could say it was a stage, or that it was not true.
Not a female, but there is one point to make here. Do you didn't force yourself to be straight. You forced yourself to Act straight. Your real orientation remained the same. You just chose to suppress it for a time. In more recent times, it seems your behavior is much more consistent with your real orientation. But, you've been who you are all along...
