I know I'm not the only one that has struggled to accept myself for so many years but I'm wondering how many can relate to my situation. I feel so alone in my feelings. I have been dating my female partner for eight years. We have been living together for five years. While I'm currently questioning whether or not we have a future because I'm attracted to a different woman, that's not what I'm writing about here. My issue is that I just don't identify with being anything else but straight. I know I'm dealing with internalized homophobia because I'm catholic but its more than that. I just don't feel like I belong in the "community." Is it because I identify as bisexual? I have some good friends at work, there is even one that i no longer work with in the same building that I call every single day but she does not know that not only do I have a girlfriend but WE LIVE TOGETHER for the entire five years that I have known my friend. I know she would not have an issue with it but I don't tell her because I don't want to ask her to keep my secret. That's really the only reason. On a somewhat related note, I'm not out at work even with friends because I don't want to be the gay teacher. I just want to be me. I don't want to be treated differently. I'm very generous and complimentary with my co-workers and I don't want anyone thinking its because I'm attracted to them. Most people I work with are women. Aside from the work issues that are real, I'm just not comfortable being seen as the lesbian. No one cares how I identify. If I live with a woman, I'm viewed as the lesbian. Not that I'm comfortable being seen as bi. I actually prefer being seen as lesbian if they know because being bi just means I'll get those threesome invites. How many years is it going to take for me to just accept that this is who I am? I wish I didn't care what other people think but obviously I do. Being that I'm not unattracted to men, I feel that if my current relationship ends (and I'm considering that) maybe I should just date men again so that I can be myself again. Yes, I truly do mean that last statement and I will repeat it again. Maybe I should just go back to dating men so that I can truly be myself again. I don't like how I'm different being bi. My sister has even commented on how I have changed and she has no issues with my being bi at all. I really miss the comraderie that I've had with my straight female friends. They are still my friends but its different. I miss being me.
Well, I haven't ever had a relationship but I can relate to what you are feeling. I identify as transgendered and I feel really weird around LGBT people and like I'm not 'LGBT enough' to be part of their community, if that makes sense. To be honest, from what I've heard people say on EC and online, I think that it is pretty normal for people of any sexuality to feel left out. Probably most common are transgendered people and bisexual people - just because of the 'extra' stigma we have, I guess. You said that you just want to be you. If your girlfriend is stopping you doing that, then you know what you have to do. You have to live your life to the full. If anything is making you uncomfortable or something feels unnatural or whatever, you should consider 'is this really what I want? If I change anything, what might I feel? What might the consequences be and how would I feel about dealing with them?' Then, if your heart says that you need a boyfriend or you need to stop dating your girlfriend (or whatever you feel inside), then maybe you should listen to it. Ultimately, I would like you to be happy and I'm sure everyone you know does too. So please do whatever it takes to make yourself happy and to help you feel more like yourself (*hug*)
I have a couple of questions - what does being "the lesbian" mean to you? What is the set of assumptions that you associate with that label or that you think people will associate with you if they know you are involved with your female partner? Second, being in the closet and hiding that you're in a relationship takes a huge toll. No wonder you don't seem like yourself. Even though you are actually in a relationship with a woman and living with her, you are not fully living life. Your life is clearly compartmentalized. My goal has been (and is) to live an authentic, integrated life. I realized in my late 20s that I couldn't compartmentalize anymore. So I tried to be straight for 10 years. But that was not authentic for me. I had all sorts of health problems and was depressed. That was not the answer for me. I still felt disconnected from my straight friends because I had a huge secret, even though I wasn't acting on it. My relationships with my straight female friends (whom I've come out to) are better now because of my honesty. I can finally relax. That's my story. Of course each of us is an individual. I wish you luck. ---------- Post added 22nd Dec 2013 at 02:15 PM ---------- Third question - what part of you do you miss?
Great advice UIOP. Thanks! ---------- Post added 22nd Dec 2013 at 03:31 PM ---------- Such great questions HopeFloats! My first thought when I started responding was that I feel like such a failure at life. I'm so shocked to think that but its so true. I never got married and never had kids and so that made me feel like a failure. Then when I realize that for whatever reason I have not become a principal and that's something that I really wanted at this point in my life. Then you add to the list of failures that I'm not straight and well this is just not the life I wanted. So I've "failed" in every area of my life. It doesn't matter that I am a very good teacher that is well respected among my peers or that people are envious of my "care-free" life because I don't have the responsibility of children and travel often. I feel like a disappointment to myself. I am completely "out" to all of my friends that are not also professional friends. I'm out to all members of my family close or distant, so in my case my friends know and there are no secrets about my life except for those very few in my professional life that have also become good friends. I don't keep my true life from them out of shame, I simply do not tell them because I do not want them to also have to monitor themselves when things come up like the holidays or vacations and things. If I say I'm going away with a friend but this person knows I have a partner, it's just not right to ask her to not ask the most natural questions because someone else is around. As for the rest of my professional circle, I'd like to become a principal one day and that won't happen if I'm outed. It's not just my fears, its a fact. One of the principals that was out faced so much discrimination and its common knowledge that the board of education found a reason to get rid of her because she's an out lesbian. Of course that's not the "official" reason. What do I miss about being me? I miss my confidence. I miss talking about dates and relationships. I miss the person I used to be when I was straight. I know that someone reading this likely thinks if I were out I could be that person again but I just don't think that is possible for me. I don't know what I think of when I think of a lesbian. Sometimes I think cute, potential, sexy. Other times I think lonely, alone and ostracized. If being lesbian (or bi) would just be a non-event I likely wouldn't have an issue with it but that will never be the case for me. It doesn't matter that I live in a liberal state where I could marry a woman or that there are laws preventing my school from discriminating against me. That doesn't matter if not being straight simply makes me feel like a failure. I can often pretend that this isn't the case but falling in love with a married woman who would reject me if I pursued her doesn't help me to accept who I am. It just reminds me that I have to work at trying to have pride because nothing about my life makes me feel particularly proud.
I think you and I are in a similar boat, so I post this as much for myself as for you. I've spent all my life trying to just be like everyone else, and treating my bi feelings as just a fantasy, something mental only. However, I've just gotten my third divorce from a straight marriage and I've been trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. The answer is: I'm not being myself; I'm being the person I was taught to think I should be. Yeah, it's easier to hang out with friends and co-workers if you can wear the social mask of what is widely considered "normal." Trouble is, if that social mask is not who you really are, then it's still a mask, and you're still not being your authentic self. There's a difference between feeling relaxed because you can blend in and chitchat using everyone else's terminology, vs. feeling relaxed because you can be your authentic self around people who accept you for who you are. I do know that falling in love with someone who is married or will reject you is going to hurt no matter what their gender. I spent way too much time feeling horrible about myself because in the end, I couldn't be like everyone else; like you, I didn't feel particularly proud of my life. I also felt like a failure because I couldn't make it work in straight relationships. In fact, I was struggling with those feelings when I found this site. The rhetorical question of the day is: why are straight relationships more valuable, more acceptable, or more desirable than others? Why is that the hallmark of what relationships should be? I can only presume it is social conditioning; we are taught from a very early age that non-straight relationships are inferior, unacceptable, don't count, etc. And that simply is not true. Love is love; that should be the hallmark. In any case, it's not easy, but I am finally beginning to accept that I don't have to be like everyone else. In fact, I shouldn't be; I should be me, whatever that is. Trying to cover up who I am with the social mask made me miserable; accepting myself for who I really am has helped lift years of silent suffering. I'm not even in a relationship, and have never actually had a relationship with a woman. However, just accepting that as a real part of myself, a part that is worthy of attention and nurturing, has made me feel so empowered. And, if my friends or co-workers should happen find out, they can just cope. My real friends will treat me exactly the same way they do now; I already know this. Anyone who treats me poorly because of it is simply not a friend. I post all this in the hopes that it will help somehow.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I'm out just about everywhere except work and professional activities and organizations. So some of what you say I completely get and other things no longer apply. Being that I'm out just about everywhere, you'd think I would be able to be comfortable being seen as bisexual or more likely being seen as lesbian since I live with a female partner. I've tried making queer friends but it just never really worked. The only thing we had in common was not being straight. That's just not a part of how I see myself. I know I'm not straight but I don't see myself as being different than I was when I didn't realize I wasn't straight. I don't feel that I wear a mask except at work. I'm not sure how much that affects me personally. Though the alternative of not being able to advance for being out just isn't worth it to me. I think a small part of it might be because I'm bisexual and well there is always a possibility that I will return to dating men. My gf is never going to get married again so I'll never have to wonder how I would need to come out fully if I married a woman. It's been so many years. Why can't I just be comfortable as a bisexual woman. I try not to think about it and just live my life. When I do think about it, I hate that I'm not seen as normal. I know everyone here will tell me that I am normal but that's not how I feel. I really wish I didn't have same sex attractions. It hasn't brought me anything but despair. I certainly don't feel lucky for being queer and I have absolutely no pride in identifying as queer. I'd change it if I could in a heartbeat.
If I understand you correctly, it's making you unhappy because of others' reactions, or, more specifically, your expectation of their reactions, possibly based on your own perception of lesbians or bisexual women. So, the questions that come to mind (as they did for me) are, how do you feel about lesbians and bisexual women, what makes it not "normal," and what makes it embarrassing or unacceptable (forgive me if that's the wrong word) to you such that you wish you weren't? If it's solely because of work, maybe a job change is needed. I know my own lifelong struggle to seem "normal" has been dreadful and, as you stated, full of despair because I couldn't fit the mold. I guess I finally let go of what I perceived as "normal" and I finally feel better. I don't have the anger, pain, and self-loathing I had before. A little too Zen and not the answer for everyone, I suppose, but expectations are often what make us miserable.
