So I told my wife I didn't want to be with her

Hi, Ric.

First, congratulations on being authentic. As difficult and painful as it was, it's an important first step, and as difficult as it may seem, it's a positive step both for you and for her, as it will help to move her in the direction of finding someone that can really love and appreciate her in the way she deserves, that you're unable to provide.

Here's another thought, for what it's worth: Now that she knows you can't be with her any more, she's undoubtedly going to be hurting, and more importantly, she's almost certainly going to blame herself and/or wonder what she did or what's wrong with her that you don't love her any more and/or can't be with her. That's very likely going to put her in a pretty big shame storm. So you might want to think about "coming clean" and, if you can bring yourself to do so, admitting why you can't be with her. It's possible she already knows or suspects, but it's also quite possible she has no idea (or, at least, not consciously.) So telling her will pretty quickly help her process the loss so that she isn't blaming herself or thinking herself unworthy of love, or not good enough.

I realize it's a huge step for you, and one you may not be quite ready to make, but if you're breaking off the marriage, you probably owe it to her to tell her the real reason why. If you feel like you might be ready to do it, but can't do it face to face, perhaps you could write a letter or even an email. A letter you write and present to her in person and ask her to read in your presence is probably the kindest way, but it isn't always a choice that everyone is ready to make in that circumstance.

In any case, I wish you the best and while I know this was (and is) incredibly hard, it's also a very positive step for both of you in the long run.

 

What steps could you take that would help you to get the strength you need to tell her?

 

Well, one place to look might be to think about the caring and respect you have for her, and the effect not telling her may be having on her own sense of self. So perhaps it's something you choose to do for her benefit rather than yours.

Another might be to think about it logically and what the costs of not telling her (or anyone) are, and what the costs will continue to be, to you, for holding onto this secret. There are definite impacts on stress levels, which means it impacts health, sleep, aging, and other factors. And there are a lot of other impacts, on your self esteem, ability to love yourself, and so forth.

So sometimes, it's less about actually finding the strength, but more just walking straight into the fear and facing it head on, knowing that the strength will be there when you need it. Vulnerability is the birthplace of courage, and no one who's ever done anything truly courageous has ever done so without vulnerability and some of the feelings of fear that come with vulnerability.

So I think when we wait on courage... most of the time, we're waiting on something we actually already have, but can't quite bring ourselves to call upon.

I don't know if any of that makes any sense or helps, but it's a mindset I use when I'm stretching myself outside of my comfort zone.

 

Can you write a short note and give it to her? Or even send her a text with the two words "I'm gay"? If you can stretch yourself enough for either of those, then the cat's out of the bag and the rest will follow.

 

Here's another thought: It looks like you're out to your mom. Perhaps you could call and talk to her and use that as your strength to send a text to your wife while talking to your mom. I've helped several people who wanted to come out send a text, because that was the only way they could summon the strength to do so. In one case, I was on the phone for 30 minutes with the person before he pressed "send."

It's scary to walk into the fear, but it's liberating on the other side.