Settling, bad idea?

Oh Pink *hugs*...this is a hard one.

If you consider it settling, then you've already answered your own question...but I think your feelings are deeper than that.

I don't know exactly what you think we're going to tell you...but my advice is to move slowly and thoughtfully.

First, does he know you are bisexual? Is this something you can share with him? If you can't be honest with your partner, what kind of partnership can it be, really? If you can't be yourself with him...if he can't know who you really are...is that a way you really think you can live? Indefinitely? It's been long since I was in the "dating pool" but when I was my feelings were always that if a person couldn't handle the fact that I'm bisexual, then I'm glad to know that up front, and be able to walk away sooner rather than later.

Second, are we talking marriage here? Is marriage necessary, or even desirable? You clearly fear that your sexuality may pose a problem in the long run...so why commit to a long run? As much as I love my partner, and as perfect as we are for one another in many ways, my promises to her of lifelong fidelity were made when I was young and didn't realize how long life really is or how much capacity for love I have within me...and basically those promises are tearing me apart. If she and I ever part, I can't believe I would ever commit to another *completely* exclusive relationship...there would need to be some level of understanding of who I am and what I need, and some flexibility in the arrangement (it helps that I'm getting a better grip on this later in life than I had when I was so young).

It sounds like you get a lot from being with him...that is wonderful and not to be thrown away, lightly or at all. But if you want to avoid serious regret, be honest with yourself and honest with him about exactly what you can and cannot commit to.

Good luck to you, whatever unfolds. *more hugs*

 

My situation is vastly different but I'm having the same "should I settle" discussions. I think everyone eventually settles in some aspect of life for stability or they simply keep hopping around. People don't like to admit this but if they are honest with themselves, it's more likely than not. If its not true now, it likely will be as time goes on.

That being said, I think you must decide what you can settle for. For example, a woman that always wanted to be executive but decided that having children was more important can settle on a lackluster career. She will find other women like her to say that was the right thing to do. No one will ever chastise her for choosing to settle in that instance. The point being I believe that most people are afraid to say its ok to settle in personal relationships because they do not want to imagine that they could also do that. Just because you deserve more, doesn't mean you will find it.

As a bisexual woman, I could definitely be with a man for the long-term. The fact that I am not is just the result of chance. In my case, I think I'd be "happier" with a man not because of the relationship since I think they are essentially the same. It's the external trappings of not having to live as "other than" that would make me happier. If you can live authentically with a man, why not him? If you feel that you are not being true to yourself than you should leave him eventually. It needn't be today or even next year but eventually you should leave.

I'm the opposite. If my current relationship with a woman ends, I definitely try to find a male partner again. It's not that one is better than the other but life with one would make other aspects of my life easier and with the other more difficult. Gender is not the deciding factor for me and so if I met a woman loved her and she felt the same, if be foolish to throw that away just to live more at peace in society.

So my point is that only you can decide what is acceptable to settle for. Only you can judge is its ok to settle.

Good luck!

 

I've been lurking around these forums for a while and find it interesting the number of women who change from lesbian to bisexual to not sure etc. I have done this so many times as well. I think sexuality is so very complicated. That being said, I think you should think long and hard about your decision. If you think you can be happy with a man and also make him happy and be fulfilled then definitely go for it.

I personally feel like if someone "settles" with something in life that will lead to being unhappy and regret. It's kind of like having a job...if you are a cop but really want to be a doctor and are always thinking about changing careers when you're not happy then being a cop won't last too long, or at least you won't be very happy.

 

Yes, I am a teacher.

 

I'm not judging here, and would prefer women give you the answers and recommendations. Is this a case of where this guy would be the exception for you and with whom it could last? I've met a few exception women in my life here and there. That's another story. We had a thread like this, but it was about celebrities! If you do decide on this guy, will you still feel the need to be with a woman either at the same time or maybe in the future? Could he work with an open relationship? The most important question is "will you still need?" For many bisexuals, that is the big question.

 

If you think you can be happy with him and you want to try, then why not? You have the same chance we all have. If he makes you feel safe, loved and happy, I say go for it.

 

It will come the day where you will be seriously decided about owing a house with a white fence, two dogs, children and a husband because let's be real, that is how the things around us works "normally".

And it will also come the day where you will doubtful about taking such decision and yet will feel guilty because the man is wonderful.

Been there, done that. I came to the conclusion that if doubtful a better think of a third choice. We usually think about having two choices cause we only have two hands to hold, but what will happen if a third comes in? A third option I mean. And actually an exclusive relationship might not be the answer.

Now, I also think in terms of being young and wanting to experience being with diverse people in my life, but the actual question it always is: how do I want them to be part of my life? As lovers, as friends, no strings attached... and what will happen if I stay by myself? How will I feel if I loose him/her? Am I blowing up the golden chance of my life?
Will I ever find someone alike...?

I understand you, I believe there're lots of amazing people out there and we sure will find what we are looking for, we just need to give a little help to our destiny by asking the bravest and compassionate right questions to ourselves. I've always have thought that a trio will be the answer, a peaceful trio not necessarily neither entirely sexual but if I happen to find such thing it will be for me like winning the lottery.

So, question yourself and be objective, take a few steps back and ask yourself why are you even having these issues lurking on your mind. I am just going to say if he is worth of your entire love and fidelity let it happen. If he is, but you are not entirely committed let him go, cause love is not selfish, love releases and grants the freedom to either stay or walk away.

I am sure you both are awesome! And now you have the chance to become a greater human being through love whether you choose to settle or keep exploring the world through someone else's eyes.

 

Settling is an interesting concept. I look upon it as sort of backing into something. A situation presented itself and the decision was to go with it and not fight it. Alternatively, one can decide on a particular situation and go in search of that situation. The thing is, it's possible to arrive at the same place, but the thought process and one's agreement with it are very different.

I would hope that you would find the latter more appealing. It isn't the easier route, but I think the chances of feeling better and feeling more in control of things is greatly improved. The thing is, for difficult questions there are no short cuts. However, the trick is to keep moving. Keep making progress. Keep thinking. It is, after all, why we have minds and intelligence.

 

(*hug*) I wish I had something helpful to say, but I have the same concerns you do. The main difference is I don't have children. Even though I'm currently in a relationship with a guy, I still generally desire women, and always have. He's my exception.

You said, I would still want to be with a woman sometime in the near future. He could very well be open to the idea of an open relationship, but that would also give him permission to find someone else to be with. And honestly, I'm not sure if I like that idea very much, which isn't fair. And I am most definitely not into having a three some whatsoever with him and any girl that I may meet in the near future. She would be my girlfriend, but I'd definitely would want them to meet, so that way we are all on the same page.

There is a friend of mine who wants this for me, (open relationship) She knows I'm not going to leave my boyfriend and have an exclusive relationship with her just because of the attraction between us. If he and I split then yes, but so far he and I don't have a good reason to break up. She's okay with me staying in a relationship with him, but that's not fair to him unless he can find someone else to be with, and I don't like that idea at all either. He's okay with me being with her, if that's what I feel I need to be happy. I know I was happy with my last partner, and we would've been together forever, but she's gone now. If I leave him to be with just her, how do I know if it'll last? I've had other same sex relationship before my former partner that didn't last. I just don't know what to do. Right now I'm just taking things day to day.

 

I do think settling is a bad idea. My wife and I had a discussion late last night wherein i told her that my needs were deeper than "mere cross dress"and that I needed my validation as a woman. That I am as much woman as she is and she needs to see that I'm her wife. she told me that I'd need to wait 18 years until our kids were all moved out to transition. Shetold me I am her HUSBAND after I told her this. That I am a male. I told her I am biologically but not in my head, and d definitely not my heart. SOOOOO yeah, I'm not sure where to go either. I love her but can't do that. Be the real man she needs and deserves.

 

Hi,

That must be very difficult for you.

Since I am gay and separated from my wife I have not walked in your shoes but one thing about being a minority you learn empathy and to empathize.

Having a spouse who "owns" you and dictates how you live is horrendous. Not love at all.

Sounds like she is locked into perceptions versus reality. That possibly it is all about how she looks to friends and family. With little thought for your feelings.

Hmmm... Does that indicate you are a trophy to her? Nobody touch the trophy, even you. I wonder...

This looks like something far beyond "settling". It may also be initial shock and grief at your revelation too.

All I can suggest is to give her time, stand your ground, and see if she starts accepting this new reality. She may not have any choice in this, no more choice than you have. She cannot choose lesbian if she is straight.

Just my ramblings...

Really sorry for your pain.

Tom

 

I'm not sure what to suggest here. I think you'll need to work through this with your current partner to see what both you and he want in the longer term. The fact of the matter is that you have kids together, so no matter what happens, you'll be parents together for the rest of your lives. You'll want to maintain a positive and effective reltationship for the sake of raising your kids.

The other thing I'd say is that whether you're officially married or not, separating later will be just as complicated. Most places have laws and rules about people living as 'common law' partners that aren't married that provide pretty much the same accomodations in the event of a separation than as if you had been legally married. Breaking up later isn't going to be any easier from an emotional, legal, or financial perspective if you're not legally married. So keep that in mind.