I have been successful in that I have stopped dating women altogether for most of the year, and its been like 6-7 months, but I have still had zero experiences with a man. I have been to scared to pursue anything or even go to a gay bar. I feel like I am in this identity-less state that is very lonely. I also stopped being around the majority of my community of friends since it was making me confused and I am really trying to figure out who I am and what I want. There are still a few people that I have opened up to, but not many. The momentum and excitement that I had in recognizing that I am gay has been thwarted by winter blues and loneliness. I think it was a good plan originally, but I am having a hard time pushing through to accepting myself and not being in the closet to the majority of the world. I wanted to have some initial, intimate experiences to fall back on as a confidence builder in coming out to people, but I am having a hard time with fear.
Fear is indeed killer. It twists the ways in which our heart wants us to feel and blocks our ability to just be who we are. I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with this. I know it's easier said than done, but have you considered joining a local group or community for LGBT individuals? Perhaps bring along a close friend or family member you've confided in to ease the fear? If that's a bit too forward, you could always just go to the gay bar on a whim and hope for the best, though I'd advise having a backup plan if things get hairy (unless that is something you'd welcome, heh). I actually did this with my coworkers one random night after our Christmas party and surprisingly, the group consensus factor to go to a gay bar really boosted my confidence, because the focus wasn't solely on me. It was simply on everyone having a good time out that night. What I found helped in times like this is focus on being fully comfortable with yourself, from the inside out. Take time to listen to your intuition and commend yourself for having come this far already in trying to find yourself. Praise, especially self-affirmed praise, is always a good thing! Go at your own pace, not what others expect you to be. Nobody but you knows how you feel, and one thing I've learned from my own personal experiences, is that with time, everything will align with your heart and work itself out, you just need to have hope that one day, you will meet a guy who is willing to understand, have patience and accept you for who you are. Of course, this is coming from someone in a slightly different situation than yourself and is currently single, ha... But the principles are the same, I'd like to think. Stay strong, friend!
I can understand your fear..However, you are brave inasmuch that you have acknowledgedn the fact that you are gay, so you have already made the first and hardest step! What is stopping you from going into a gay bar? I was nervous at first when i went. However, I found that in gay b ars there are lots of people in there on their own so you will not be the only one. A tip: go into a gay bar, order a drink, sit at a table, play with your phone, regularly look at your watch and try and give off a ' I am waiting for a friend to meet me here, I am NOT on my own!!'..Have a couple of drinks, pluck up the courage to speak to another person on their own, something like 'do you know what time this place gets busy? ..'Do you know if there any other good bars around here?'..It does not have to be an obvious chat up line....This is what I do and I have met some interesting people. take a chance..what is the worst that can happen?
Hi Stellar... I can relate to what you're going through. I too had zero experience until recently. There are no gay bars where I live, so I did something I never imagined myself doing and started using the cell phone "hook up" apps. Yes, there is no shortage of slaezy, flaky people there, but also regular guys who just want to make a connection. The beauty of it is you can reveal or much or as little about yourself as you want. You can chat with someone anonymously and get a feel for them before deciding if you want to share your name or photo. I've met some really interesting people this way. People I've talked with for hours, people I can be myself around, and yes, people who have helped me explore my sexuality. I know it's not for everyone. I didn't think is was for me until I tried it. Good luck to you.
I think you are being really hard on yourself. You have only just come out. Spend some time enjoying being a single gay man and concentrate on finding some friends who are gay and being open with who you are. If you obsess about sex you could miss out on finding a nice group of people who want to be friends with you. Only once you are truly accepting of yourself will you be able to find the relationship that is right for you.
It kind of sounds like you did half the job in front of you. And, not surprisingly, it looks like you chose to do the "easier" half. You stopped dating women...but you didn't start dating men. You removed some (possibly) problematic people from your life...but you didn't replace them with positive people. And now you have a rather large void in your life. You're no longer "living the lie"...but you're not really "living" much at all at this juncture. What to do next? Take the plunge, I guess. If you've started coming out to people, you might use them as a bit of a security blanket. Talk to them about who else you might come out to, and who they think might take it well. Think about joining a gay social group or dating site. Break down the steps - "1. Find gay social groups in my area. 2. Decide on three or four that I might like to join, and look up when they meet and when new members can join. 3. Contact them about joining." Then, just start checking things off the list. Lex
I exchanged texts with a guy from a ###### match, which was exciting. I went to a queer dance party last night by myself for nye. I had a drink at bar next door before I went in. The first thing that always happens whenever I drink at a bar is that I go into this mode where I am looking to hook up with a woman. It's one of the reasons I avoid the bar scene. It's a bad habit, and I lose touch with myself. I made it over to the bar, but it was 85% lesbians. ha... I was kind of surprised. I like the idea of women and men at the bar, since all men kind of freaks me out. But the ratio was off. I danced and had an alright time. I know that I am still hiding. It would be smart to join a gay social group. I know it is what I need to do to "let myself be seen". That is what I have the hardest part with. It sounds so vulnerable...and to let go of the control of myself. Scary. Being seen and letting go. That kind of sums it up.
