Hi guys! I want to vent and for some advice also.. A while ago, I ventured into a bathhouse for the first time..It was fun..Anyway, I met this guy and we hooked up which was great. Afterwards, we got talking, found out we liked reach other and went for a drink..Since then, we have met up a couple of times, text regular and talk on the phone..So in a way, we are sort of dating, a bit weird I know considering we have already had sex!! However, it has been nice as we have been getting to know each other properly outside of the environment of the bathhouse..I like this guy. Anyway, over the weekend, he phones me on Saturday morning and we have a nice talk about what we did over Christmas and made plans to meet up later in the week..Later in the day I text him and say that I was in London and if he was around it would be nice to meet up for a drink. He says he is in London but shopping with friends and cannot get away. I am fine with that. So, bored, at a loose end and not wanting to be alone, I decide to go back to the bathhouse where we met ..classy, I know!! So, I am walking around the place and who should I bump into but this guy..obviously not shopping!!! After we got over our initial embarrassment we laughed about it and then had sex.. we agreed that this encounter was fine and we could continue as before, meeting talking, texting , dating etc.. However, when I got home..I thought..’Hell no!!!’..I was only at the bathhouse as my second best option as he did not want to meet up..He actually chose to go to the bathhouse rather than meet up with me. I am conflicted. I do like this guy but what does what he did say about him, our ‘relationship’, his feelings for me? Can I take the moral high ground in this situation? Am I just as bad as him for being in the bathhouse in the first place? I still like him..am I wasting my time?
I think - take it at face value at the moment and for what it is..a casual relationship. See where it goes..if anywhere.
Yes, I could do that..at the same time however, I was hoping that our relationship could turn into something a bit more deep and meaningful..not sure I am looking for a casual hook up..To be honest, I don't know how I feel..the whole meeting up the other night has messed my head up...
I think you should really sit down and take the time to better define what you want out of this relationship. If you want something more than a friend and a casual hook up then you're going to have to make that clear. Then be prepared for the possibility that he doesn't really want anything more than what you both already have together. It seems like from his perspective that he views your relationship through the lens of a friendship and a casual hook up. That's okay, and there is nothing wrong with that - considering the context of your relationship together thus far. So, I don't see anything necessarily wrong with his little white lie. I mean, really, how many friends want to be blown off by being told: "Nah, sorry. I'm about to have sex with some folks right now at the bathhouse. Maybe another time?" ...and of course, since you both aren't exclusive or even really dating (there is no such thing as "sort of dating" - you're either dating or you're not), him going to have sex with other people wouldn't be that big of an issue from his perspective. That doesn't mean you can't be upset, you can't help how you feel, but it's important not to place blame because the type of relationship you have together right now isn't very clear. So yeah... you need to sort out what you want out of this relationship and have that conversation with him. Once the cards are on the table, then you can decide how to move forward.
This is very good advice..I sent him a long text asking just how he saw our relationship developing and just asking him to be honest...he has not replied! I guess that tells me all I need to know..To be honest, whilst I am irritated, I don't need someone who is prepared to lie to me this early on in a relationship...I always try and be honest with people and I expect the same
It sounds like you want more from this than just casual sex. If you want a relationship then you need to find someone who wants the same thing. If he hasn't replied to the text then he only wanted the sex and he wasn't right for you. I can understand that you feel disappointed but you do deserve better than settling for someone who isn't good enough for you.
Exactly this happened in an episode of hunting season! (Huntingseason.tv - a web series about gay relationships and friends in New York City I highly recommend) Seriously, enjoy what ever it is with this guy one day, one step at a time. Ask him out for a drink again. But don't push it. You'll pretty soon have your answer if what he wants with you is a sex buddy or a boyfriend.
Hi, I am a bit unique in the gay world as I do not hook-up, rather I build a relationship first and sex is a natural evolution of love. What you describe is open, casual sex and nothing more. Your partner can lie as easily as breathing, when the lies are exposed you both laugh and have more sex. There is no "moral high road" I can discern, there is no relationship other than sex seeking. All I can suggest is not to treat a hook-up encounter as any kind of a relationship and that the more hook-ups you have the weaker your relationship skills become. If you want a solid true, trusting, loyal, monogamous relationship based in mutual respect choose paths that lead to that. Not easy, frustrating, non-orgasmic paths to be sure. Sure, straights have all kinds of rationalizations for strict rules for building a good relationship but in the end these rules can achieve the solid relationship goal. Forget the religious and moral basis for straight relationship rules and just use the base rules themselves. If a solid relationship is what you want. Beyond the morality and religion these ancient rules work. Tom
