Question for gay men married to woman, now out or coming out

Skiff, I posted this as a reply in the other thread where you posed this question, but I'm actually glad you made it a separate thread, so I copied and posted my reply here as well.

Interesting question....Being as how I'm still with my wife for now and not really out and about, I haven't had the opportunity to socialize and so haven't yet encountered the kind of attitudes you describe. It makes total sense, though, that there would be a pretty significant segment of the gay community that wouldn't really understand someone being married and in the closet well into adulthood and even middle age.

When I think of my future and all the who's and what if's, what always seems to pop effortlessly into my head is the idea of ending up with someone who was either previously in a straight marriage, or someone who came out late. It seems to me that the concerns that kept us in the closet are things that are a pretty significant part of our experiences and personalities, and something that we would likely need a partner to be able to understand on some level, and unless you've gone through it, it wouldn't make a lot of sense.

I did have a peculiar kind of "flash forward" recently--we have a touch of the second sight in our family, and every once in awhile we get "feelings" about things. Not lottery numbers or anything concrete like that, just little ripples of what might be. (Years ago in high school, I dreamed that a co-worker at the grocery store was killed when a bakery cart fell over and hit him, and I felt the need to tell him, just to be safe. He looked at me as if I had fallen out of a tree, of course, but he did watch out after that!) The other day I had an overwhelmingly strong sense that things would work out the way they were supposed to, it would be a positive thing, and I also vaguely flashed on myself with a guy slightly younger than myself who was only somewhat recently out. I also had a sense that we would end up with a child that was ours together, and not brought into the relationship by either one of us. (It would have been nice if I had seen what he LOOKED like, of course, but oh, well!) It was very strange, like when you hear a song in your head a couple seconds before it starts playing on the radio.

Whoever it is, I know it will be someone who is very self-sufficient, very aware (and fond of) his own space, who does not need to be with someone. I have that now. I don't want to be needed anymore. It's too emotionally exhausting. I want to be wanted and enjoyed and appreciated. And I want to have fun!

 

Hi, My advice to anyone married and thinking of coming out is,better sooner than later. I've spent my whole life in the closet,now divorced at 52 starting over can be very difficult and lonely. I feel like I've missed out on my window of oppertunity. I left the marriage for a fealing or desire that I have always had.I didnt leave the marriage because I had this great guy waiting for me. Its been two years and still no great guy! My story may be common,nun the less..Its painful and it sucks. Still waiting....!

 

As one of those guys in the 35-45 range, I realized (growing up in the '80s) that gay life existed, and that marrying a woman could only end in heartbreak. I think it was different for guys who came of age before about 1968.

I've had to work on my preconceived notions about this. I used to think that previously-hetero-married guys were "not really gay" and would just go back to women because it's easier. But after talking to many guys who have been in this situation, I now believe they are truly gay. I just grew up in a different social climate that gave me a little more breathing room to live honestly.

Oh, and all the talk of "gay years" and "gay relationships don't last" is one of my pet peeves. I refuse to perpetuate those notions because that reflects internalized homophobia. Turns out, straight people who live in urban areas are often "serial daters" ... like gay men. The idea of lifelong, monogamous marriage may run counter to human nature. Marriage is at least as much a business arrangement (joint ownership of property, inheritance rights, etc.) as a romantic one.

 

I remember the '80s and those cruel AIDS jokes. I remember seeing a lot of dying gay men on the news. I will never forget those things. As a result, I have a lingering distrust of straight people to this day.

As for relationship stereotypes, the only way it will get better is to be the change you want in the world. That is why I never let those "gay relationships don't last" comments slide anymore. It's why I had to rethink my opinions about previously-married gay men. If many more of us keep talking to our friends and challenging these notions, things will change. Not immediately, but eventually...

 

I didn't date very many people before meeting my husband. I slept with a lot (I'm very embarassed to say) but didn't date many of them.

My husband and I have very similar life experiences. Both were married to women. Both had 2 kids. Both came to realize we were gay in our mid to late 30s. And that has allowed us to connect and relate to one another in a way that we might not have been able to do with someone who didn't share some of those experiences. I would think the part about being a dad would be the most difficult, not necessarily when you came out. Being a parent comes with responsibilities that a non-parent probably can't understand or appreciate - especially when the children are as young as ours were when we ended our marriages.

We've now been together for 6 years, and married for over 2. I don't that equates to 2 straight people being together for 42 years. That's just silly. In fact, time has just flown by for both of us. I wish it would slow down! It's tough to fit in the kids, work, and vacations (from both a time and a money perspective!).

But I don't think our relationship is any more challenging or tenuous than a heterosexual one. In fact I think in many respects it's easier.

For one thing, we are very much alike. There's no "men are from mars, women are from venus" thing going on. Our brains work the same way, and we approach things the same way, and that means that we are virtually always on the same page. In fact a lot of things just go unsaid because we know that the other agrees.

It also helped that we met in our late 30s. I think everyone knows themselves better as they get older. So the things that are important in a partner are more evident. The fact that I was dating the right gender this time perhaps helped. I just think I was clueless when I was younger.

Having been in a long term relationship - and one that obviously wasn't really ideal - caused me to learn how to get along with a partner; make comprimises, communicate, etc. He did as well. So bringing that to a relationship with someone new is a bonus. We knew the odds of us getting along were good because we had both gotten along with our ex wives for 9 and 13 years respectively.

I firmly believe that there's someone out there for everyone. I know I was extremely fortunate to find my partner as soon as I did after coming out. But if it could happen to me, it could happen to anyone!

 

This is why I say we are the collateral damage from the Cold War on Homosexuality. We can't go back to a gay-friendly past which never existed when we were growing up. We will always bear the scars of all the minor atrocities which were visited, in many cases, unknowingly and unmaliciously upon us out of people's ignorance, as well as intentional atrocities which continue to be visited upon us by homophobes and cynical right-wing politicians looking for their votes. The future generations have greater possibilities than we had; we cannot give up fighting for them. As least we now have the military on our side. :lol:

 

Until recently, marriage has always been about making the most advantageous business arrangement for one's self and one's family. It's only as of late that romance had much to do with it. I know I married the woman I married for love, but she also was from similar background and had a leg up on me careerwise. I had little experience with either sex, good Catholic boy, lot's of guilt. I've never doubted my devotion to her, but it can get pretty cold worshipping someone on an altar. Then one day it slowly dawns on you that it doesn't make sense, because it's lonely up on the alter too. Now what once worked beautifully, doesn't anymore. I could no longer deny who and what I was. For a long time that was a monster, a freak. Then I had an epiphany, I am none of these things. Too long, I'd been telling my God that what he made was dreck: when in fact there was nothing wrong with me, but the script my parents and society gave me to act out. Now that I've come out to my wife I can see the damage done. The strenght of the denial was such that it has held me in a marriage for 25 years. Sooner would have been better, but one plays with the cards one is dealt. Do I long and hope for another partnership? Absolutely! Will I find one? I pray I do. What other options are there? Of course, I'll relate to someone whose been through this better than someone who hasn't, but it shouldn't be an obstacle. Then I'm not looking for a 20-something or 30-something fantasy. As I just came out to my wife less than four days ago, there are still tremendous feelings of regret, but no longer a question of something I don't want anymore, but cannot want anymore.

 

I have hopes for the future, and a few expectations and hopes of what type of person I might end up with. But what I keep coming back to in the end is that, whether or not I ever actually end up in a long-term relationship of any kind at all, I now have the freedom to actually DO it. Coming out, to the half-dozen or so people I have told so far, and eventually my little world as a whole, is not really about a specific goal that is in my mind for my future. It's more about the freedom to be myself and to see where it takes me--a freedom I won't have if I stay in a sham of a straight marriage. It's about possibilities and honesty. It's about not pretending and not holding back. Even if it takes me years to find my footing once my marriage ends, I can live with it because I have nothing to prove, and nothing to fear if I act however I feel like acting.

I'm really not taking the attitude that I will suddenly become instantly more desirable and well-adjusted. I don't expect to be planning my fabulous gay wedding this time next year or to suddenly have an amazing social life. My hair will not suddenly sprout brown instead of gray, and my member will not magically grow 6 inches. Life will not be instantly incredible. But whatever happens, I will be the one in control of it. I'm still the same naive, inexperienced good Catholic boy I always was, but now if I see an attractive guy, I can look AT him instead of looking AWAY. For right now, with my family situation where it is right now, that's huge, and whatever else happens (or doesn't happen), it still beats the alternative.

 

Well, I can see where you're coming from. A lot of straight people are annoying and condescending, that's for sure. However, I have or have had a lot of straight friends who were friends because they liked me, and what was inside my head, never broaching the marital status issue. That works for me. Also, there is a sizable segment of the male gay community that makes for fair weather friends, always looking for a better offer, more of a good time, or something more A-list related. The one person I actually knew, on a phone call and socializing basis, who died from AIDS was like this. I had forgotten about him because he stood me up at the last minute, after not having seen him for years, and his excuse sounded lame and contrived. I'm sure that, being an entitled Good Time Charlie, he probably found something better to do. He then surfaced a few years later with a phone call to give me "the news" and that he wanted to meet me for lunch, to which I agreed. When he passed, I can't say that I was too sad. It was more surreal. I had him figured out long before he or anyone else knew he was sick, or probably had even become infected.

I will say that my avoidance of a lot of straight people is that they increasingly hassle me with questions that, while not direct, try to get at something else. There's nobody in my life. I'm not really planning on that. Get over it. It's not important to me. Therefore, there's not much reason to talk about things I consider personal.

 

I believe there already is one, although its niche is older there is still a few guys on this particular site that were married.

I was going to reply to the over 40s and married thread that skiff started but this one will do.

Guys that were married are probably going to be better date material, one guy who was married provided more of a date type feeling, with the dinner and the drinks before the sex part, pity that friendship kind of ended but it was fun. Currently seeing another guy who wasn't married and really all he wants is the sex part. Boring. The guy who was married was the better kisser, so in some ways the once married guy is a better relationship person.

So if you were once married that is the kind of guy I will be looking for, yeah I found another website, but I keep coming back here to read everyones comments because after first discovering it I finally realized that there were others with similar feelings.

Also to add another bit there is some guys and girls who are never going to be married as they just aren't compatible with anyone and just want to be left alone to do their own thing, so they may be straight or the could be gay.

 

I have more to say, but its late - ill just say, glad I have found you all here, and post more soon.
married but gay, that i the situation i find myself in.. i just want the best, but have decided that I will n0o longer deny deny, but accept myself.
glad to hear were so highly rated..

 

I have a sense of where my path is leading and it breaks my heart but at the same time simultaneously terrifying and exhilarating. When I finally tell my wife I'm not the man she thought she married, it will be devastating to our relationship. I can only imagine the pain I will bring her by doing this. But, I cannot continue to function this way, it is like my mind is stuck in the spin cycle. will we work out an arrangement while the kids finish school? Will she want me to leave? Will I still have access to the kids? Will I be able to go to their activities? Will they want me around?

If I move on after this, I'm almost certain my guy will come from a hetero-marriage as well, maybe even with children of his own. When I will meet him who can know. But I do know we've all proven to be capable of putting in the hard work of making relationships last beyond the romance and sex. If nothing else we have that in our favor when we find someone.