If you read and remember my story, you will recall that I am a 68 year old married guy, who has been living the straight married life for the last 24 years. Also, that I have lived through six decades not really knowing exactly what my sexuality is, or rather not finding an exact label to fit my circumstances. In the last chapter of this saga, I had been meeting with gay men in a local gay-straight sort of alliance once a month at potluck sort of social get-togethers, to get a better feel for my own sense of where I belong, and what it means to live an elderly form of "gay lifestyle". Meanwhile, my "straight" lifestyle persona continues the other 99% of the time, business as usual. Or maybe not exactly as usual. Recently I was out on a bike ride with one of the young guys I work out and play sports with. We are riding along and he tells me his girl friend was looking at my Facebook page, where I have various "likes" of marriage equality, equal treatment of gays in the military, and a couple of other similar page sites. She asked him if I was gay, he says. Then he says that it is a matter of complete indifference to him if I am gay or straight, and that he has no problem with it whatever I am, that he will always be my friend, and then he asks me "____, are you gay?" Now, I believe what he says, and he has told me things about himself which make me believe that I can speak with him in complete confidence if I want to. So I say, wait until we get to the next stopping place and I will try and answer that question, but you have to give me some time to explain, because it is not a simple yes or no answer. What I told him is that I always knew I was different in some way from other boys, in that I did not have a strong attraction to girls, and felt more comfortable spending my time with boys, that I did little dating in high school or college, and never had a significant or sexual relationship with any women other than my wife, whom I married in my forties. But that I also had never had sex with any males or even gone out with them; that such things never happened in the world I lived in in the 50s, 60s, 70s, and even 80s due to the military, business, and social climates where I had lived. When I married my current wife in the 1980s, I believed that I would have a "normal" heterosexual life, and that that is how I have lived up to the present time. However, I said, I have always been attracted to good looking men, particularly the ones with lean muscular bodies. I like hanging out with them, playing sports with them, and just looking at them. I want to "be" them as much as I want to be with them. I want to be that kind of person, because that is the body that matches the personality of myself in my head. Does that mean I am gay, because I am attracted to these men (my orientation) or am I straight, because I am married to a woman and only have had sex with women (and enjoyed it). These feelings seem to have to be mutually exclusive, but this dissonance lives in my head all the time. So, I told him, I don't refer to myself as gay (men who have sex with men) to other people, but I have never considered myself conventionally straight either (covets and has sex only with women). It is more like that I have never really explored the homosexual side of my feelings, so they are only feelings, never confirmed by dating or any attempt to live together with another man as a partner, only that nagging attraction that I continue to have but not pursued. I did have some very strong feelings for one person about a year ago, but it was a one-sided fantasy on my part, not a real mutual exploration or intimate interaction; probably should be called a fantasy crush, but it is what lead to my getting involved with the gay-straight alliance, and the self-doubts about what I have been doing. I also told my riding buddy that I do not have the hots for him in the unlikely event that he was concerned about that, and we both laughed at that point, and continued our ride. For the last week, I have been thinking about what I said to him, which was sort of a cathartic memory dump of things I have never told anyone else, and never thought I would. Did I "come out" to him? Or did I just dance around his question without really answering it? I told him as honestly as I could about how I feel and have lived my life; I can't tell anyone what I don't really know or understand about myself. Or, am I just kidding myself and am as queer as a $3 bill, but don't have the balls to admit it? LOL The next chapter in my saga will be a conversation I had with my wife today, which I began by asking her "Do you think I am gay?"
You answered it with complete honesty. Coming out isn't about finding the right label to slap on yourself, it's about being honest about what you feel and who you are. Congratulations on coming out. :eusa_clap There is no need to have a sense of dissonance. It's perfectly possible to feel both at the same time. What matters is what you're feeling and what you want, not what type of label you can apply to it, or whether or not you can fit into some neat little box. Good luck. I wish you the best, and I'm sending positive thoughts your way. (*hug*)
Whenever I read your posts Yossarian it reminds me how labelling others and ourselves can be so restricting and also how nuanced, complex and fluid the whole sexuality thing is. I have many similarities to you - have lived as a straight man most of my life, only ever had sex with women (but only two - both girlfriends I had for 2 years each - with huge deserts of celibacy in between) and now later in life (50) at last have decided to do some real self questioning. In my case my decision (in order to move things forward) has been to come out of the closet completely to everyone friends, work colleagues and family and on social media and to start socialising with other LBGT people through walking groups, group therapy sessions. It has taken about 2 years to do this and get the point where I am now. I have been able to do so as I live in a liberal country (relatively - the UK) and mix in liberal circles. It has been life changing and has started me on a new journey. You are honestly uncertain about your own sexuality. My reading of what you are saying is that you find men aesthetically physically attractive and also are emotionally drawn to a certain kind of man, yet you can and do love women (your wife) and enjoy straight sex. Guess this makes you in a complex, fluid, nuanced way bisexual. From my own parallel experience is you even have to ask the question of yourself or others whether you are gay or not (in a 100% gay sense of the word). You would know. Thats how we differ. I KNOW. I have had sex with women and it has been pleasurable and good. I love women - some of the people in this world who I am closest and most intimate with are women BUT the thing that has been missing and which i was in denial about was the PHOOAAR factor (sorry can't think of another way of explaining it). The heart missing a bit, stirring in the loins, taking breath away feeling I get when I see a man I find attractive. Thats it for me. All the other cultural imposed stuff about gay personality and behaviour, camp vs straight-acting etc etc although it threw me for years means nothing to me really. Basically I am gay because at some primal level I feel lust for male not female bodies. So if you feel this too and are trying to find ways to skirt around it for complex psychological reasons then you are gay. If you don't feel this too then you are bisexual in some wonderful fluid, nuanced way. In either case stuff to celebrate I reckon??
@Electra - what you describe fits exactly with how I have been feeling since I came out to my wife in October. Although I can appreciate an attractive woman, and have had an active sex life with my wife which I enjoyed, as time has gone on the underlying feelings I had for men just grew stronger. What you describe about the 'phwoar' factor is exactly what I have experienced since clicking with a guy I met. Just thinking about him gets me going and when we are together it's a connection on a different level both in terms of where it takes me sexually and emotionally. When I don't see him I feel like a part is missing inside, I end up feeling pi$$ed off with everything and the desire and urges I get thinking about him feel like they're making me go insane. I've never felt like this about anyone before, which is a pretty good indication (if I needed it validated) that I am gay (again if I wanted to attach a label to it) and have a physical and sexual attraction to men. What has surprised me is the intensity of feeling I have for him, both physically and emotionally. It's as if I didn't think I could have these strength of feelings for a man. It scares me a bit as there's a part of me that thinks I couldn't feel like this about another guy if things don't work out between me and him. I think I just need to get used to being able to look at guys, and now do something about it, rather than worry overly about getting into a new relationship so soon after my marriage ending.
highlander2 - wow your feelings for the guy you have met sound amazing. Guess there is no point worrying about what might happen if things don't work out. Just enjoy it for what it is. Its better to have loved and lost..... etc etc. I guess for people like you and I - now we have made our decisions to come out 'later in life', like so many others giving such sound advice on EC - no point looking back - all we can do is be our true authentic selves at last!! I am now ready for meeting someone to 'wow' me too. Wish me luck for that in 2014...
