How do Gay guys and girls manage to get into a heterosexual marriage and family?

I suppose you will never really know, I'm married and just come out..

Trying to protect my wife from it all, I got stuck.. It wasn't wise. We all have a life path..

I have two wonderful boys, I believe were meant to be born and whom I couldn't live without. I don't regret them and now I'm 32 about to start on a new adventure and it's exciting!!

People get comfortable in their 'straight' life.

Can't really answer your question though because I'm unsure and I suppose others have don't it for different reasons.

 

Well, I can only speak to the reasons I did so. First, I can be romantically very much in love with a man. . . . just figured I had really bad luck with the sex bit. I'm a monogamous, serious relationship type of gal so. . . .

Secondly, I was raised in a full on holy roller, conservative, christian family and environment. That whole culture and it's norms was so (literally) beat into me that it never in a million years ever even occurred to me that I might like a girl 'like that' Combine this with the fact that sex for me is a very non casual thing and I only start thinking about engaging in it with another person if I have a strong emotional connection to a person and voila.. . .I was 36 before enough happened to facilitate me coming into direct contact with the truth of myself.

 

It's a good question, but it is so common that there must be a common pattern that occurs. In my case, your question starts with an erroneous premise: "someone who is gay"... it would be easy if gay were as easily determined as the colour of one's hair or eyes. Fact is, for many of us, "being gay" was simply unthinkable.

"Unthinkable" is a remarkably easy condition to be in. If it is unbelievable, unthinkable and inconceivable, it is therefore invisible. Couple that with "the script": marriage kids, etc. which is all neatly laid out for you, both in custom and in law, couple that also with pervasive, tacit and explicit homophobia, and a sprinkling of HIV/AIDS and then you might possibly understand why it happens. That secret about ourselves served, like some fragment of Voldemort's darkness, to literally change our personalities and our actions!

I am discovering that many of my generation are coming out at precisely this (relatively) most liberal of times to be gay. We're still young(ish), there's still time...

A story:

There was a certain small population of Jews who were actually kept hidden in Berlin, of all places, in cellars and the like, during the entire duration of the war (6 years), only to emerge when Germany surrendered. I think it's a bit like that, the oppression is definitely lifting, and many people around my age are emerging from their dark, personality-twisting closets; into the light.

 

I think there are a couple of factors (more than a couple, actually):
- an attraction that was initially there and was stronger
- a friendship that was incorrectly confused with romantic involvement
- societal expectations and the institutions one belongs to (country clubs, being a stockbroker, etc.)
- religious expectations and strong involvement in their faith communities
- family expectations and desire to have a more traditional existence
- not having had same sex experiences prior to marrying (they occurred or were realized after marrying)
- denial
- several of the above
- something I didn't include or failed to mention

I swam against the tide and have been called on not marrying numerous times, both in a cheeky sense and in a more critical sense. Nevertheless, I still hope the married, or once married, guys and gals on Later in Life still make me feel welcome. Haha.

I think the straight woman finds the guy attractive, intelligent, charming, and sometimes even successful that she finds a way to justify it in her head that this is the man for her. I think a lot of straight women, deep down beneath the layers, know their husbands may be gay or bi, but push it aside. Sometimes, they do not know. While this is a cinematic example, the movie "Far From Heaven" reminds me of a situation where there didn't appear to be any signs, unless being an exec in advertising or marketing was supposed to be a clue. I think that would be an unfair and inaccurate stereotype, though that's what the male lead did for a living in that movie. It's a good movie, indeed, with good acting and I recommend it, though it doesn't necessarily answer this question.

 

Ditto what Greatwhale said. "Gay" did not exist. Only fag, queer, homo, fairy, sissy, or other pejorative words to describe homosexuals. Gay people were "invisible". Nobody talked about it. Nobody even acted "gay" but Liberace, and he was too flamboyant to even seem real. There was nobody to hook up with or even talk to. You would have been a target or at the very least an "untouchable" if you gave out a hint of being gay, so any such thoughts were repressed or explained away in different terms. The message was clear. People hate you, it would be a "sin" to even think that way, so it never happened. Those feelings must mean something else.

Boys grow up to become men and marry women; end of story; that's how life works. You can hold out and become a "confirmed bachelor" or an "old maid", or get married. Pick one; sign here; don't seriously consider a divorce if you are a Catholic. Responsible married men get the serious management jobs; single people with divorces or bad credit, not so much. And if you are military personnel, you get court marshaled, a general discharge "for the good of the service", or worse. Make the wrong move in a bar, and you might get the crap beat out of you, or worse, like poor Matthew Shepard got not all that long ago.

For the younger of us who were born in the 60s or later, we might have the time left to go back and start over. For those of us born in the 30s or 40s, or early 50s, the game clock has pretty much run out for us, so we are doing the best we can to do something with the remaining piece of time we have left. We don't have time to "start over again", build a second retirement fund, have another family, or in some cases even to find our "soulmate".

We are to some extent the leftover debris from the Cold War against Homosexuality, doing the best we can with what little possibilities we have left. Please don't kick us hard for not being as "out and proud" as today's kids can casually choose to be in relative safety; we have pre-existing conditions that we are never going to be completely clear of, in mind and sometimes in body.

 

Haha. You don't even need to have a divorce or bad credit under your belt. I really think that people who are now at least middle-aged adults should have given more consideration to what occupation they prepared for or took up. Today, that's not as applicable. Fortunately.

 

I've never been married but this same thing almost happened to me. I was romantically in love with a boy in high school, but sexual contact with him just didn't work. None of that mattered to my conservative christian parents though. Their plan for me after high school was finding a guy to marry (guy with a job) and have lots of grandchildren. I went to college instead, and the thanksgiving after I graduated my Mom had arranged a date for me without telling me. She told me if I didn't like that one she'd help me find another but that I was getting married and having grandchildren before I got too old (I was 22) She just couldn't understand why I couldn't find a guy on my own. I think the fact that I had been living with and having great sex with another woman for the previous 4 years had something to do with it.

I finally got the courage to come out to them, and after hearing all the usual things gays and lesbians hear from parents after coming out (including some unusual ones) my Mother disowned me, banned me from the house. My sister said I should've just gone out with the guy, and not come out, so as not to ruin thanksgiving for everybody.

 

Having had the childhood I did, before I got with my boyfriend, I just wanted to marry a nice girl who would do the mothering that my mom never did so that A. I'd never have to come out to my family, and B. I'd get an illusion of unconditional love, a feeling I never got from my parents.

Whoever she is, wherever she is, she REALLY dodged a bullet.

 

This is going to sound obvious but needs repeating:

People who come out in 2014 after being married 40 years did not get married in 2014.

I doubt you're going to see the same phenomena in 20-30 years from now because people today actually can see what a gay person is, that they're not necessarily evil, adoption or even surrogacy is a more acceptable option today if you want a family/kids, etc... and they don't see a hetero marriage as the only way to achieve those things or to be accepted by society.

 

Some people don't know that they are gay or lesbian and think their heterosexual , some people do it to please their family and some think that the woman or man their marrying can turn them straight .

 

It happens when you have a script that runs something like this:

* parents with high expectations and a desire to please your parents, being an only helps
* lose your dad around the sametime you discover being with a man is pleasurable-confuse your emotions
*have your remaining parent tell you to remember who and what you are or be paid off to leave and not return
*work hard, meet a girl that meets approval (good family), have a healthy sex life if unenthusiastic, being Catholic and religious helps, and have a sense of honor about your vows
*have kids who you adore
*before you know it you've a big house, 2 Volvos, 25 yrs. under your belt, and despite the fact you still love your wife, you wake up to the fact that what fries your bacon is a man, and it always has been

It's really simple just be a "good boy", follow the rules, and know that if you step out of line there are dire consequences.

If you're lucky, you act on your realization, start over, and hope for the best.

 

Social Pressure. Confusing love for a friend as love for a partner. You get married, realize it's all wrong and then you don't want to hurt them so you stay. And you stay, and stay. You have a kid or two and stay for them. Finally, you just can't stay any longer and that is that. You can't denigh yourself any longer so you leave.

 

That holds true for quite a few people, who think they may have been unlucky as a result, but were actually lucky.

---------- Post added 1st Jan 2014 at 07:09 PM ----------

I'll never forget what I read in a paperback I perused. The question was asked if one should be with a person with whom they get along with very well, whose sentences they complete, and who know each others' good and bad points very well, but are not really that physically attracted to that person.

The answer was a resounding NO.

 

Honestly, I really thought that I could change how I felt about women, but I learned that liking women was something that I had no choice, but to accept. I am really trying to make things work out with my kids father, but things are literally just okay. And I'm starting to think just okay isn't enough anymore. It's like we're really good friends who happened to have kids and I do not regret any choices that I have made. I love my kids very much and I just want to give them the best life possible and possibly living with both parents.

I do not plan on marrying him because I know that it will be a huge mistake. So, for now, we're just enjoying each other's company. I know that I can only be with a woman long term only now, and not a man. I discovered this after dating both men and woman and well there's just something about women that's hard to resist.

 

Wow, that is not an easy question for any one to answer I think. Shoot, dig into anyone of our threads for those of us who have been posting in this forum for a while and you'll see that hind sight is always a grand reconstruction of what was so blatantly ignored, discredited, avoided, denied and otherwise repressed.

In my case, talking with a few of my friends, especially those who also came out later in life, the best description of my story (at least at the time of my marriage) is that of innocence and ignorance. I was a naive person, sexually unexperienced, highly religious and had a script in my head that I was playing out...until...this incredible woman pursued me and got my attention. I could think of no reason not to get married, and it is only now, 12 years and two kids later that I realize what a silly set of ideals I was living by. I was infatuated and had nothing to compare it to. I was absolutely emotionally attached, I just had no idea how superficial that attachment is in comparison...how shallow my attraction was in comparison...and just how badly I wanted my life to turn out differently.

And now, my life will turn out differently and it will cause a lot of pain I wish it would not cause. I wish I had had the vision and integrity and courage and ability to embrace an identity that I have now finally decided to own. I did not. I made a decision. We all make decisions in the way we live out our lives. This is not about lifestyle, that is silly. Lifestyle doesn't drive my lust, a cute guy does apparently. The type of life I build and how I get there, that is a choice. And there my idealism and romanticism were simply incompatible with hard core biology and my will power and ability to turn a blind eye to the discrepancy is gone, and truth be told, I just want to be me.

So, I am trying to do just that, be me. Take care of the responsibilities that I still have, and will always have, to the family I decided to start. To do right in its ending. To also do right by me, by my needs and my own wants and desires. To stop denying those things that make me disengage from humanity; and yes dear Lord, to find a man.

So, I hope this helps in your quest to understand how it could happen. It is really quite easy go into it, and hopelessly obviously doomed coming out of it.

 

I can't really add much to what the posters above have all said. We all had our reasons for getting married and living the lives we did. There were expectations of family and society; fear of an orientation that was completely unfamiliar to anything we had ever come in contact with; a lack of self-awareness or self-understanding; the desire to fit in somewhere; and probably dozens of other factors. It all depends on the person.

It's wrong, though, to think that we all got together with someone and there was "no attraction between them". My wife and I certainly were attracted to each other--it was obvious from the start. Even my gay college roommate, who I crushed on for years (and he knew it) commented how my face would light up when I talked about her. The feelings that led us to marriage were often the strongest feelings we'd ever had for someone of the opposite sex, and we assumed them to be the best we could hope for. But those feelings, strong as they were, couldn't be sustained over the years of disagreements and arguments and stresses that every couple goes through, because they simply didn't have healthy roots. There was no way they could. We gradually stopped trying, because the relationship just wasn't something we had the ability to sustain.

Having been raised a Catholic, when my wife and I got married she had to go through a Catholic annulment because she had been married before. The idea of that process is to show that there was something about the previous marriage that prevented it from being a real, true marriage--not like a legal annulment, but rather the declaration that the marriage was not spiritually valid because there were factors that kept the couple from ever really being a couple. I accepted it at the time because it was how I was raised, but I found it rather bogus and never really understood it as anything other than an opportunity for the diocese to collect a little more money! But I get it much better now. We married thinking that we were going to be together for life, and truly believing it. But the fact that I'm gay kept our marriage from ever having legs, because although we-I--wanted it to be real, and believed in my heart that it was, it simply wasn't. The very real attraction that I felt for her wasn't enough to sustain it, because in the end, you just can't stop being gay.

 

It's ridiculously easy to get engaged you just need an engagement ring and a willing woman. Thank goodness after three years she saw that it wasn't working. The sex had become mechanical. Our other interests were miles apart. There were many other factors that everyone has already mentioned. I'm so glad we didn't get married!

 

I once had to go to one of those to give my opinion of a marital situation that was coming unglued shortly after it transpired. It's beyond the scope of what I can describe here. It was stuff for a sitcom, a tragedy, or both. I've always wondered how much $ they get for one of those. A lot of people in the church who get divorces that don't qualify for annulments, or just don't want to bother with them, just ease out of the church. What I'd like to know is how many clergy members have a good sense that a prospective marriage is not going to be a good one and marry the couple anyway. I think the church has publications on this and mentions that a bisexual is eligible for marriage if they can shut down the functioning of that other realm. I thought "Ok, I see."

 

It reminds me of native americans not being able to see european explorers ships when they first reached america. Perceptual Blindness. Maybe there is such a things as sexual blindness where you don't let yourself see or process attraction to the same sex.

I, too, didn't know any out, homosexual people growing up. Or if someone was rumored to be gay, then I never saw them with a partner. I had a teacher die of AIDS when I was in 5th grade in catholic school. We were not told anything except that he died of pneumonia. It wasn't spoken of in public.

I also mistook my understanding of my relationships with women. I was easily able to perform sexually, but there was something always off in the relationships. I always thought that I had to fix something about myself to be happy. Or I blamed my unhappiness on some of the unrelated difficulties I had to deal with growing up(one alcoholic parent, one parent die of cancer).

I also misread a loving, attached and beautiful friendship as something it was not. I could just never put my finger on my issue. I thought I had to solve my depression and anxiety issues and then I would be a more capable person. I thought I was supposed to propose and we were supposed to get married.

I also think that we take major cues from those people are in our life that are gay but never accept it. I have a cousin, an aunt, and possibly a parent that is gay...but it was never processed or talked about growing up. I believe that those people also try to solve this "problem" in their life, so we subconsciously learn that we should not come out of the closet. It never surfaces, and things ultimately get framed as something they are not.

I am still learning how to be in my body, and not use my brain to steer the ship. Being uptight and repressed was something that I was always so used to that I never realized that I was holding something back. I thought I was just nervous.