Is my boyfriend Gay? So confused HELP!,

Hi Welcome to EC
Your boyfriend cheated on you 3 times! Would it make a difference if he had been w/3 women? Get tested for STDs ASAP. Make sure he uses a condom if you have sex. Anal sex is both a strait/gay thing. If you don't like it tell him.
The only person who can tell you if he is gay is your boyfriend.

 

Yes. Although people don't usually experiment at such a late age unless there is attraction.

There is no way to know for certain. This could be something he's decided to explore as a result of his marriage ending, which effectively freed him up. Then again if he was already in a relationship with you before his marriage ended, then issues of infidelity to his wife might not have been a big issue. (Usually that's the major barrier to someone seeking same sex relationships outside of the marriage; the lack of the desire to be unfaithful sexually.)

The simple fact is... there is no way to know for certain.

It's fairly clear that you're dealing with someone who is struggling to come to terms with his sexual orientation - whatever that might be. No one can label him except himself, because only he knows what is true for him... and he might not even be completely certain of that at this moment.

Not wanting to talk about it is normal. In part, because having the conversation will likely end your relationship with him, but also because he may still be trying to come to terms with his sexuality himself.

For someone who didn't like it, he went out and actively sought it at least three times that you know of... If you're attempting to try some type of new food that you're uncertain if you'd like, and you discover that you don't like it after eating one serving; do you then turn around and order at least two more servings?

Alright, well - whatever his sexual orientation is it isn't a lifestyle. It's an orientation that's part of who he is, and he didn't choose it. He's an older man so it's easy to understand why he might have been less comfortable coming out when he was younger. This may have been a side of himself that he's never allowed himself to explore before.

As for why he doesn't want to let you go, well - it's because you're safe and secure. We're hardwired to grab for things that are familiar and stick with it, even when it is clearly not working in our advantage. Why do you think so many people stay in bad relationships so long? They're usually just too afraid to take the plunge and do what they know they should have done a long time before it actually happens.

The fact that you enjoy anal has absolutely zero influence or factor in someone's sexual orientation. As a gay man, I'm not attracted to anal sex, I'm attracted to men. It's about the person who holds the ass, not the ass itself.

It's also not just about sex. Sex is only a tiny part of a persons sexual orientation. You're leaving out perhaps the most important part which is romantic desire. Someone who has same sex attraction is almost certainly going to want a romantic relationship with individuals of the same sex in addition to a sexual one.

It would be like looking at any husband and wife, cutting away every aspect that makes their relationship meaningful, and strictly framing it around vaginal sex.

You need to find out if he was having safe sex - meaning that he was using condoms. You also need to answer honestly whether or not you've been using protection with him, once again - condoms.

Regardless of these answers, I would still feel comfortable if you went ahead and had a full STI screening. You can get this done down at a local Planned Parenthood or wherever. Don't do this under the presumption that you've caught something, which will cause you panic and anxiety - likely for no good reason. Instead, approach it like a mammogram or a physical. It's just a routine check up.

I realize that you've likely never done this before, as straight people aren't encouraged to be this proactive, but this always a good general policy to have when you're being sexually active. After all, you can't always depend on those you're with to be faithful and then bring something home. This is why it's always important to use condoms unless you're attempting to conceive a child.

As a general rule you should be screened every three or six months if you're sexually active, just like you should get a physical once per year.

This has less to do with the fact that he's cheated on you with men, than the fact that he's cheated on you... period. But like I said - the mindset you go in with is very important because you don't want to worry yourself over nothing.

It's not your fault. His actions have nothing to do with you. It's important for you not to take ownership over his actions - he owns them, not you. Looking inward at yourself isn't going to provide you with any answers that you need; it's only going to lead to unnecessary blame.

Your situation is complicated. You don't know his sexual orientation, and he may not be sure of it either. Regardless, this is a major red flag that can't be ignored, and you shouldn't go forward with the relationship until it's settled.

I'd strongly encourage you both to seek counseling both together and separately. This allows you to work on any issues you are having, for him to work on the issues he's having, and then an opportunity for you both to work on your relationship issues together.

Simply dumping him and running away is an option, of course, but that's unlikely to lead you in a seriously healthy direction. It'll leave you with a lot of unanswered questions, which you will likely attempt to answer primarily by looking inward and blaming yourself - looking for fault in what you did wrong. It also would prevent you from learning about the mistakes you've made in the relationship as a whole, which would be valuable in moving forward in future relationships. It would also allow you to walk away from the relationship with your head held high, and moving forward in a positive direction.

None of that means that you both have to continue living together (if you are) and having sex in the mean time. Keep in mind that if he's in the closet he's likely not ready to come out, otherwise he wouldn't be backpedaling. He's likely going to want to sweep all of this under the rug as fast as he can, and that means repairing relations with you.

But you can't let him sweep this under the rug, you can't ignore this, and whatever you do - do not marry him until this is resolved.

If you decide to get a councilor look for a LGBT supportive therapist. You want someone who is experienced in working with gay and bisexual people, and is going to be able to help him come out - if he does indeed need to come out. Once you know his sexual orientation (in other words, he's admitted it to you and identified himself specifically), then that is going to shape everything else that comes after.

If he's gay then obviously there is no romantic future there for you. If he's bisexual, then the possibility exists, but you will have other issues and challenges facing you based on his previous behavior... and you're both will have to define exactly what you want out of your relationship.