Married Advice 101

great advice... i did not have a plan, kinda wished I did but, I have no regrets ....yet

 

I was "fortunate" to have many other issues in the marriage and she sued for divorce. Hence, I do not intend to come out to her and the kids until after the divorce is finalized.

Even though it shouldn't matter in the final divorce settlement, I am not so naïve to think that a judge will rule without personal bias or prejudice.

 

I agree with Bear. For me it was like being hit by a train, having the realisation that the feelings I had for guys were real and I could be happy being with a guy. I hadn't planned to come out, but when asked I couldn't stop myself telling her. I wish I'd had a fund in place, even a couple of thousand pounds of my own, that I could've used to get me into a place of my own to give us some breathing space.

If it's planned - I'd say, build up a small fund if you can. Have an idea in your head of what you want your relationship and family to look like after you've come out or left. I've tried to reassure my wife that I'm not deserting them, that I'll still be in their lives, can still do things together, but that my feelings for her as a woman (not a person necessarily) have changed and I can't get it back to what she needs it to be and deserves it to be.

I suppose it all depends on your own circumstances. Did I know I was gay when I got married? No, not 'gay', but certainly that I had sexual desires towards men. It's taken me this long to admit it's more than that though. Just try and be as honest as you can when telling her, without destroying the image she has constructed of her marriage to you that it was all lies and she has wasted her life.

Not sure if this is helpful guys.

 

Bear101- Legally she cant kick you out if you are named on the house. You may want to leave for sanity reasons but she cant kick you out until the divorce is final.

I didnt have a plan in place, wasnt even ready to tell her but it was forced out of me.

Probably is a good idea to have some funds set aside.

Be prepared for alot of emotions and arguments, i say try to be as calm and patient as possible, you dont want to say anything you will regret later.

Try to reassure her/him that it was nothing they did and that you wont abandon them

 

Although new to this site, I hope I can give some helpful advise. I knew I was gay, but was to confused to continue in a world of emotional instability. So I went straight, met a woman, got married, and lived happily with her, but not me. I truly loved my wife, and now that she's passed, I am trying to re-enter the side of me I've denied for almost 30 years. My advice is if you are gay, and you care for the other person, tell them. Yes think of their feelings, but don't lock yourself in misery. My wife would have gone ballistic (as in nuclear), but we both would have realized that happiness is not a one way street. So now she's gone and I have 4 walls to keep me company.:icon_sad:

 

I'd say one of the first things you should do before you ever consider telling a spouse is to try and ease your own sense of shame and guilt. Get therapy if you need to, or work it through on your own, or whatever works for you, but understand that accepting your orientation is nothing to be ashamed of. Being gay is not something you are inflicting on your spouse, and it's not some kind of divine punishment that was inflicted upon you. It's OK to feel sorry for what your spouse will go through as a result of your revelation; it's OK to be understanding and caring about their own sense of loss; it's OK to accept that YOU will feel a pretty significant sense of loss as well; and it's OK to acknowledge that your own fear and insecurity about being gay led to this years before.

It's NOT, however, OK to beat yourself up or regard yourself as some kind of monster who is wrecking peoples' lives by being gay. That's not fair to yourself, and it will misrepresent the situation to your spouse. Your spouse needs to understand that that this is about truth and honesty and coming to terms with the fact that you can't be the spouse they need and deserve, and you love them enough to own up to it. They also need to hear loud and clear that this is not something that they caused.

I'd advise having some kind of script in your head, so you have some idea what to say. "Talking points" is probably a better way to put it.... Not a script in the sense of "The bad news is I'm gay....the good news is I want to redecorate the house!" or anything flip like that. But do't go into the discussion blind, without any idea what to say. You need to be assertive, concise and direct. And KIND. Do NOT be wishy-washy, and try to be as calm and unafraid as possible, and don't be aggressive or defensive if at all possible. Do your best to trust your spouse. It may not be pretty, but you may be surprised and it may be less horrible than you would expect.

And finally, remember that the longer you put it off, the more your own stress and fear will affect how you do it. If planning a date works for you, go ahead, and if you're more spontaneous, do it that way. But keep moving in some direction. Don't put the feelings on the back burner and relegate it all to "some day". Work on your confidence and self-awareness and acceptance of YOURSELF first of all, and always keep thinking and growing and learning. This is a huge, scary step, but it means you are growing and evolving and being a stronger and more real person. And know that you have a major support network here!

 

In my case, and I'm very vocal about it in my postings, I've already come out as a lesbian to my wife of almost 8 years. Yes, lesbian that was unfortunate enough to have had a male puberty. She seems to think it's a phase, or bipolar manic episode and it will pass. Still refers to me by my male parts. I think she's trying to reassure herself. It's been since September. Cassie 29 said it best to me; she needs a man in a relationship and she won't acknowledge that she doesn't have one anymore until she has to.

I guess this gives me opportunity to formulate a better plan now for reouting myself. In the mean time, gonna just keep on letting Emma come through! Good luck all with your plans and hope all goes well (as it can)!

 

Well... This might not be too useful after the fact but...

I married a woman who thinks like a man, so it's worked out very well for me. Yes, I'm the one who kills the spiders, but over all, she's the "husband" and I'm the "wife". It helps if you are both insane in ways that work well together.

 

:roflmao:

 

Choirboy is right...don't put coming out off...I tried to put it off until after the holidays...I ended up having the situation forced upon me...I tried speaking from the heart, but because she found out I had sat on this for a couple months, I think it added to the cold reception I received yesterday and continuing today...It would have been somehow in my estimation more honest if I hadn't waited...My script was lost in the immediacy of the situation...Best laid plans...eh...