Relations with wife and kids - experiences?

Hi ukguy,

At adolescence, kids are starting the necessary process of becoming themselves apart from their parents, nevertheless, if you create events for them (as simple as dinner) this will keep their interest.

Some would call this bribery, and to that I say: so? what's the problem?

 

Hi,

You may find from 18-25 they have little time for you. This has nothing to do with you but their independence. It happens in all situations.

Do not tie this period of time to you being gay.

When they get some life experience they return with a new appreciation.

Hang in there.

Having their own children accelerates their own maturing.

Tom

 

I'm personally worried about my 4 young children. Being completely honest with me wife, in October she left. I didn't know if it was forever or not. Was only the weekend. But she did tell my oldest, my 7 year old, that some people don't want a family.

Obviously this is not the case. But my fear is that she will not be rational and will decide that she's gonna leave me with nothing. Guess I'm stuck until I gave a solid plan, or until it bubbles out again, which is probably more likely.

 

Hi UK Guy. You asked for answers from guys with experience and while I am not a guy and am new to the living apart experience, I thought I'd offer my own perspective, just in case you're interested anyway.

My STBX only moved out last week, we're in the process of selling the 'family home' and I will move into my own place in mid-Feb. So you see, this is all very fresh for me, but I've already got a couple of notes under my belt that might help.

To maintain an amicable atmosphere with your wife:
1. While determining what you will take (and what you will leave - she may not want your stuff laying around once you are gone) be certain to communicate on everything.
2. Make certain to plan your times to communicate regarding important decisions for when it's convenient for you both, don't try to force her into a rush decision while she's on her way off to work or focused entirely on some other task. Believe me, lack of consideration here will move things from amicable to contentious very quickly.
3. Say what you mean and do what you say.
4. Once you move out, do not leave a disaster zone in your wake with an amorphous commitment to deal with it at some undefined time or for her to deal with on her own - unless of course she wants you out so badly that she's happy to take that on herself to get you out sooner. :icon_wink
5. And when you go back either to visit or just to collect more of your things (or if your kids are with you and they decided they need to go to her house for something) - although this has been your home and you may even still be helping to pay for it's upkeep, do not arrive unannounced and just wander in. Circumstances dictated a conversation regarding "fair warning" in my own case. The consideration of a call or text message that you're on your way over, or even the simple courtesy of ringing the doorbell to announce yourself before simply walking in is important. And if she is going to have a key to your new place - for picking up or dropping off kids or their stuff or any other reason - you will certainly appreciate the pre-arranged courtesy. When you're walking in on someone who thinks they're home alone, you never know what you may find!

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Maintaining your relationship with your kids:
1. Try to be there for them on the same level as you have always been - with the obvious exceptions of those times that they are at home with their mom, although if she is amicable to it, ask to be involved if there's something special going on at home with her as well. So by this I mean, if they have a sporting event that you would normally attend, but it's happening on their days with her, go anyway. If you have older children away at University and they are home for a visit, make plans with both your wife and child (remember they're adults with their own plans now too) for convenient times that you can spend with them one on one OR if your kid's free time is so limited, then shared time as a whole family. My son left yesterday to go back to school, so Saturday I spent the afternoon with just him then my STBX & younger son picked us up and we all went out to dinner together, after dinner I went home and both boys went to spend the night and yesterday morning with their dad then they picked me up to go to the airport with them to drop off our eldest for his flight back to school.
2. Make arrangements with your STBX to split the kids time between you as much as possible. My STBX travels about 20% of the time for work, but the rest of the time he works from a home office, so we are splitting time 50/50 week by week - in our case Friday to Friday. Our kids are welcome in both homes at any time, but he and I have also agreed to enforce the schedule should it seem the kids are leaning more one way than the other - perhaps due to where their friends live, who has the better gaming system or computer, who is a shorter walk to the movie theater, whatever. But as I said, I will still be attending our kids' activities, whether it's my week with them or not - because I always have done so and my split with their dad doesn't change my commitment to be there for them.
3. When you get that one on one time with them, interact with them as much as possible and/or usual. As others have pointed out - and as is my own situation as well - your kids are at an age where they don't necessarily 'hang out' with their parents all that much, so be mindful of their burgeoning independence, allow them the same freedoms as you would have when you all lived in the same home, but as much as possible without smothering them, when you are together in the same space, find something of shared interest to interact over. Cook together, go to a concert together, play games together, talk about books, ask about their social life, if appropriate tell them about your own social life and do not disparage their mother in any way - even if they do! If they have any problems living with just mom, do not use that as an opportunity to commiserate, but use it as a way to help them problem solve the situation and if you can't solve her problems to cure the situation, at least help them find ways to cope with whatever the situation may be.

Wow, this is a LOT of information. I'm sure as my experience progresses I could compile a book of material, I know that many others already have - so those could be good resources to you as well. But honestly, I don't think you'll ever regret doing whatever you can to keep things good with the STBX and children, in both the short and long term.

I wish you the best of luck!

 

Awesome post Dragonbait!!!

I don't have much to add. I split from my wife when my kids were quite young - 3 and 5. I didn't come out to them right away - I waited over 2 years.

I think the most important thing that helped keep my relationship with my ex positive was healthy and effective communication. It is so easy in times like these to let your emotions get the better of you and to say things that are hurtful. Being able to communicate in a way that expresses how you're feeling without laying blame or judging is critical to keep the lines of communciation open.

It helped (A LOT) that my ex wife was so supportive and understanding and gay-friendly. After the initial shock and disappointment she made it her mission (as it had always been) to provide the best climate / situation for our two little girls. And that meant being positive and getting along with me. And when I came out, it meant being positive and supportive and making sure the kids' attitude towards gays was a good one.

I played a part in helping her set up her new house - painting the bedrooms for our daughters, hanging their new blinds and curtains, helping to get them settled in their new home. I would also stop in for dinner once in a while during the week, in addition to haveing my girls every other weekend. Generally speaking, things went really well.

That was 7 years ago, and we have both since re-married. So our lives continue to drift apart a little, and we don't always see eye to eye on everything, but we still work very well as a team in parenting our daughters. At least I think we do.

Because I see my husband and his ex wife, and they don't get along at all. They are raising their kids via emails between each other, and they now live over 500km apart from one another. Plus they rarely agree on anything. What makes for the difference? The people. In this case, primarily the ex wives. Although he and I certainly have played a part in things working and not working.

Good luck - and keep posting here.

 

I hope you don't mind me posting this. I am the wife of a man who has come out to me.

We have been married 20yrs and he came out last year. We have since split up and he has moved out. However we have maintained an excellent relationship. Despite being hurt by him and his coming out I have supported him throughout. The reasons I have done this is because I could see when he came out how badly it was affecting him and how truly guilty he was that he had only decided he was gay since being married and had children. His complete honesty meant I was able to believe him and we spoke very openly about our feelings and how it was affecting us both. He was my best friend through my marriage and neither of us can see any reason why that should change now he is gay and we are seperated.
I hope this post helps anyone struggling to decide what to do to see that it can turn out ok in the end.

 

A little to add ... Out it bubbled. Now I've got a serious decision to make. Either transition and risk losing them all, or not transition and maybe keep them, maybe not. But if I don't do it, I simply dive deeper into a depression and would eventually lose them, or possibly, I'd be near suicidal.

I'm saying this because my wife is deciding whether she can stay married to a lesbian woman, even male physically for now, or if she has to leave. The latter, she said, would exclude me entirely. Cut all ties she says.

Quite the predicament, coming out is.

 

Mrs Emma, I'm sorry for what you're going through. However, I'm going to be a bit blunt here.

You need to do what is best for you. At the end of the day, your health has to come first. You can only give to others what you already have, and if you're not loving yourself and you're not healthy then you can't give those things to other people. As harsh as it may sound, it's not a question of whether or not your wife accepts or understands it, it's a question of what is right for you in the end.

Now, your wife may threaten to cut all ties. She may be angry at you and never forgive you. Your relationship with her may suffer to the point that it never recovers. Those are all possibilities. However, the one thing she cannot do without the consent of a court is deny you access to your children. So she may make threats, but unless she has the legal backing to carry them out they are empty threats.

My advice to you is to first talk to your therapist. Then second to talk to a divorce lawyer experienced in child custody, and especially one who is LGBT (and particularly trans*) supportive. Learn your legal rights and take the advice you are given by these people.

Do not allow yourself to be bullied or pressured. Think about the best decision for you, and understand that the decision that's going to keep you healthy and happy is also what is in the best interest for your family. It may not be a decision that your wife likes or approves of, but in the end your wife doesn't have to live your life. You do.

Finally, Mrs Emma you might get better advice and support if you created your own thread, and then posted the issues you're facing in that thread. I keep noticing that you're posting in other threads, and it's hard to give you advice and support in someone elses thread without derailing it from their situation. I'd certainly like to be more supportive and helpful to you, so I think this might be a good idea - it will allow everyone to focus on the specific issues you are having.