The Band-Aid Got Ripped Off Today

Oh bud, I know exactly what you're going through. Biiig hug.

Came out to my wife 6 months ago. It was the most difficult, scary and bravest thing i've ever done. We are still together, but with allowances for this new reality. The most important thing though is that now I can live with integrity. My wife knows about my bf. My bf knows about my wife. My kids are still very young, but one day they may also know.

It's not the solution for eveyone and it may not be the solution forever. But right now I can honestly say that I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.

Wishing you strength and comfort. This too shall pass!

 

Tscott, I feel for you man. Hang in there and use this place for support. I've been where you are a few months back, it's tough! But you've shown courage today and you will move on from here. Take small steps in the right direction

 

Hey tscott,

It's ok to feel what you're feeling. You did something incredibly difficult and for a while this emptiness and the sadness will persist.

This is where you need to remember why it was important to do this, for a greater good, eventually, and for all concerned.

It will take time, and the silence will appear unbearable, so post here often, we're here to listen and hopefully give you some measure of comfort.

All the best.

 

What's important is: You were honest to yourself and your wife. Now I'm much younger but this is a very normal reaction. Looking at it from her side, she felt lied to as well as her entire marriage "is a lie"--so to speak. That everything she knew is false. It's very traumatic, but it was definitely the right thing to do. It's going to suck for the first few months, but ultimately it will be for the best. Give her time to grieve, hell see a marriage counselor even if that'd help at all.

It's going to take her a lot of time to accept all of this and come to terms with it. It's a lot to take in. You should reassure her that you haven't been messing with any males behind her back (if you haven't, that is. If you have, I'd disclose that as well) and that may give her some solace.

I'm sorry it is the way it is, but I promise it will all sort itself out soon. I'd back off a bit though and let her vent and think. Perhaps hold off a bit with the children as well (how old are they?) until you settle it with your wife.

This is all just my advice, and I hope it helps. I'm much younger than the people here, but I hope my insight could be of any positive use.

Best of luck!

 

Hi there tscott....

It's likely to take awhile for all this to sink in for both of you. It's a gigantic revelation, one you probably never truly expected to say and one she certainly never expected to hear. For her, it's almost like hearing a phrase in a completely different language, and she has to figure out what was just said and how to respond to it.

She will have many, many questions once the enormity of all this sinks in. Did you always know, do you have someone else, why did you marry me, did you ever actually love me. You will need to draw on every bit of love you have in your heart for her to help her get through it and gradually move back to trusting you. If you're lucky, she will eventually come around to wanting to maintain some kind of friendly relationship with you. My revelation has pushed my wife into a little much-needed therapy (although only on VERY rare occasions instead of the regular sessions she has needed for decades, but it's a start). She still relies on me for support and kindness, and in many ways nothing has changed. I hope it all works out for you! And once you're sure she's all right, you can concentrate on yourself. For a change! Take care.

 

Your story rings so many bells, I'm a week ahead of you, all I can say is a long bumpy roller coaster is what I compare this journey too.

I don't think it will end until I move out tbh

You'll be ok, I am. As for telling the children this isn't a problem since my kids are young not sure how old yours are, but I would say, maybe speak with a therapist or someone to come up with a plan.

Also yes you need to make more decisions about where to go from here..

I recommend some kind of marriage therapy, I start on Thursday. Hopefully this will help us come to terms with it all!!

Hit me up if you ever wanna chat!!

 

Hey tscott,

i am about 2 months in and there are good days and bad days. I try not to ruffle too many feathers and let her do what she wants (like hang out with her friends, etc) just to keep it as peacefull as possible

I really need to come up with an exit strategy though, as it looks like the longer i stay, the chances of an amicable split will decrease. She's all pissed now cause her new guy friend doesnt like the fact that we are still living together. But i am not going to let some guy she just met determine when i move out.

Still dont know when and how we are going to tell the kids, i am really not looking forward to that day

 

Oh my friend, I know your pain, but first and foremost, congrats! This was the first big step toward the real you. No more evasive conversations, no more internal mind games, no more pretending, no more numbness, no more emotionless life!!! The immediate future will FUCKING SUCK, but good for you for taking that motherfucking bull by the horns and taking control of your own life. The alternative was remaining in that miserable fictitious quagmire for the rest if your life and what kind of life is/was that?

I'm not going to lie to you, it's going to be very hard. I told my wife and kids just last year; in fact I'm just past my one year anniversary. It has been the most awful year of my life (AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING!), but, I'd do it all again. For the first time in more than three decades, I feel real emotion. I cry frequently, but honestly, it feels awesome. I FEEL!! That's new for me. I've explored dating and have learned more about myself in the last 12 months than I could have ever imagined. Most has been desperately painful, but it's real, and oh my God is that meaningful!

Every man's situation is unique, but for what it's worth here's how I handled it: I worked very hard to be supportive to everyone- kids, wife, in laws, brother, cousins (tried with Mom, but that exploded). I knew that I had set off a nuclear bomb in the family and that I was ground zero. I'd been dealing with this for my whole life, but they had only moments. I tried very hard not to assert my "needs" because no one would respect that anyway, no matter how true. Now that the dust is settling a year later, I can look back and say that it went as well as it possibly could have. A lot of that is due to my ex. I still love her and she loves me, so there's a lot of empathy on both sides. I've had some epic breakdowns in front of her (not planned of course) and I think she's gotten a glimpse of what I've been dealing with. It's hard to kick a wounded puppy. My relationship with my kids is good. They've been very understanding and range from empathetic to gay rights activist. The youngest of 4 is sixteen, so they are not little.

Again, good for you. This shit is hard, but necessary. Try not to beat yourself up too much. Have some compassion for yourself; assumably there have been a lot forces at work that created/forced you into this unfortunate situation. This world is unfair and these situations are ridiculous. All we can do is move forward. That and stare at Matt Bomer. His smile can give hope to any without hope.
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Oh, Scott...*such huge hugs*. Ripping off a Band-Aid does hurt...as has been said before, there is no way around that. But as Mr. Whale points out, you knew it was necessary: you absolutely couldn't keep it inside, and it was ripping you apart to continue trying. You are now being completely honest...take solace from that fact. Even if it hurts, it's the truth. Let the truth be your strength now, in a way it couldn't be before.

Be honest about it all...your feelings for her when you met, when you married, now, your feelings about the kids, everything. Just be clear in your own heart that what you say is true *before* you say it. Of course, there could be things you might not want to say for legal reasons (others can advise you better than I can here, never having been through that)...but don't lie about them...just avoid making false statements.

Walking out the door might be easy-feeling in the moment...but it will not serve you in the long run. Give her a chance to get over her shell-shock, and see exactly what kind of person you're dealing with. If she was worth marrying to begin with and all the affection you've given her over the years, then she'll surprise you here with her resilience and maturity. If not...well, realizing that you've given misplaced affection can be strengthening in its own right.

Good luck, and yes, please keep us updated.

 

Scott, there is a *huge* difference between "this was not unexpected" and "you deserve this"!

You *absolutely* do *not* deserve to be cold shouldered, rejected, shut out, or any such business. Yes, it is understandable that she feels hurt...but she has choices in how she deals with that hurt.

You also have choices in how you deal with your hurt that she's dishing out (yes, she is...this is not hurt you have inflicted upon yourself, although I can hear you saying it is). To the extent that you are able, be the better person. Maintain your integrity, let her know that you deserve to be treated like a person, yes; show outrage at any outrageousness (and this is an important time to be vigilant for outrageousness)...but continue to voice whatever love and compassion you feel, and generally continue to be gentle.

 

I can imagine it...and so can the many others who have been where you are today. Take comfort in knowing we are here for you. What you did was a true act of bravery. It's sad that few in our real lives will fully appreciate that, but it's the truth. Congratulations on taking the only step that can lead you to a fulfilled and happy life.

 

I kept doing the goodbye kiss for awhile after I told her, although she hasn't really reciprocated in years. She did say at one point that it felt awkward to her, and after a recent blowup where she said something particularly insulting, I gave it up completely as well. Which doesn't mean that we have reached some kind of mutual dislike or anything like that. But part of what gave me the strength to even consider coming out at all was the realization that while we get along reasonably well, any real spousal affection and spark between us was already long gone anyhow. I think she is coming around to the realization that having a gay eventual ex-spouse who is willing to be friends is better than having a straight spouse that you are NOT friends with. Much of what she does still frustrates and annoys me, and I can say with a fair amount of certainty that she feels the same way. But in a very peculiar way, it feels like some of the strain of our relationship is fading away because we no longer have the same failed expectations.

I told her 4 months ago, so it's not like this happened overnight, and we're still evolving. We have good days and bad days. But there is hope. Take it one day at a time and give yourself a lot of pep talks (or come here for them). We care....

 

Well, yer posting so yer looking for advice. I have the advantage of simply having no friends so there really wasn't a social support group that was going to be destroyed with the big revelation. So, it went off fairly smoothly with me and the wife. I have some observations and questions. No need to respond. The answers are for you, not me.

1) You state you have children. So obviously you managed to do something with her. Instead of being flat out 100% gay as a mexican hatband, any chance you are more Bisexual?

2) Think back. Me? I was trying to kiss my male homeroom teacher goodbye in first grade. I've been gay since birth. (Actually, if you look at the pictures, I even looked like a little girl. How I had curly blond hair and blue eyes at 3yrs old, to turn into the black haired browned eyed man I am today is beyond me.) So I KNOW I'm not straight. You, on the other hand. How long? Think Back, and don't go with stereo types.

3) Seems like you are heading for a break up. You know, I'm like 90% gay and I'm married to the love of my life and reason for living. The reason it works is, I'm female inside and I really need a strong male personality in my life. My wife thinks like a man. So it works. Why did you fall in love with her? Is she providing the emotional needs?

I don't know why, but for some reason the gay men I knew who came out to their wives felt they had to get divorced and find some guy to shag. You know, I ain't had sex in years. I'm quite happy with that. I'm in a monogamous relationship. I promised to be with her because I love her and she makes me happy.

Does your wife make you happy? Did she make you happy once? Do you make her happy now? Did you make her happy once? If you answered yes to any of these, you owe it to both of you to try and work it out. That doesn't mean being straight. God will Not Fix You. (That's... a horrific experience I went through. Just giving you a warning now.)

Try this. Sit down. Alone. Hold her hand. and if you can say this, honestly, then say it,

"I love you. I'm gay. I don't have to leave you and the kids. I don't need to find a new partner just because my hard wiring is different. I don't want to cheat on you with another man. I don't want anyone else in our bed. But I can't go on without being honest about everything. You have no idea how much ENERGY it takes to keep up this facade. You want to think I'm a pervert, that's fine. You don't like what I'm attracted to, that's fine as well. It's not YOU. You did not make me gay. Trust me. If there was a way to MAKE me anything, I would not have chosen this."

"I'm not looking to go fucking around. I'm looking to be accepted. Just once. Just once in my life I want to be exactly what I am and not be told what a horrible person I am."

Unless you don't love her any more. Then, I cannot help you. However, don't think that sexual desire is love. I've been out to my wife for 13 years. We've been together for 20. She cheated on me once. I got "revenge" by cheating once. It didn't make things better for either of us.

Trust me, if she'll just ACCEPT you, I think your desire to go running about, trying to find someone to hook up with will vaporize. Give it some time.

Or I'm reading too much into this and projecting my own experiences, in which case, wave dismissively towards my post and poo-poo it away.

 

tscott - I'm sorry to hear things didn't go well. The reactions are just the same as my wife's. Things will hopefully calm down in a few weeks. It's only now, almost three months after I came out to her, that she is accepting that I am moving out soon and our lives will be connected but separated. We watch TV in the evenings, have coffee and chat. But I have no sexual desire to be with her. She makes me laugh, and at times vice versa, but I'm not 'in love' with her; I care for her a lot, but the feeling I got being with a man was totally different and I felt that I belonged there.

Hang in there buddy. Try and demonstrate you still care for her - the kiss goodbye or goodnight I found really hard. I felt like I was betraying myself by doing it - I still can't kiss her on the lips, but the cheek, forehead, head, is fine for me. Something just stops me from lips. Try and show that you are still committed to keeping them all safe and secure, and that it's not about just abandoning everyone. My wife was in shock for days, weeks, and only now is coming out of the crying every day state.

She will be angry, hurt, betrayed and confused. Let things calm down and just try and be reasonable and understand her reactions, at the same time telling her that you're trying to understand too.

Keep posting and you know you've the support of everyone here.

 

I'm finding that I have conflicting reactions to Marvin's response. On one hand I feel that it's really good, devil's advocate kind of stuff. I respect the position of being honest and seeing if that's enough. For me, it wasn't enough. Even now that we've been apart for nearly 6 months, and I'm hideously lonely and miss the kids a lot, I know that the façade would have still been there.

The other thing is that the intimacy is totally different. I love her very much, more than just a friend, more than a sister, but not like a lover/partner, and that was the thing that was killing me.