Surprised by gay married numbers

Given that people in their late 20s and early 30s on here are reporting "gay or lesbian AND married - now what?" then this also prevailed in high schools in the 80s, 90s, and post 2000. There will always be people who are out later than their high school years, especially with high school students just learning about themselves, questioning, and some not even having completed puberty. Those who become clergy members and then come out later - well, that seems to happen quite a bit. That's another thread.

 

I used to feel very alone before finding this site. I thought my situation was rare as well. I wonder what our real numbers are...with all the progress in Western cultures maybe the closet will cease to exist. Maybe kids will be reading history books and ask, "What does being in the closet mean?"

 

I graduated in 1979, and there was one guy who had very stereotypical gay mannerisms (who, sadly, died of AIDS not even 10 years after we graduated), and a couple others in the classes before and after who I'd say were pretty likely gay. But I have no doubt that there are likely many others whose behavior wasn't as obvious, who would take me by surprise. I found out recently that one guy who was always very kind to me (even though I was awkward and pretty damn awful looking in high school) has been out for years. (He had a very appealing boy-next-door cuteness at the time, and I was a little disappointed to find that he now looks like an average middle-aged corporate sales guy!). I haven't been to a reunion in years, but perhaps I'll attend the 35th this year and see what happens! I strongly doubt that I'm the only one, and even my very conservative brother recently remarked about a couple of his "permanent bachelor" high school buddies that they "really ought to just come out of the closet already--they'd be a lot happier".

As more and more celebrities come out and are accepted, I also think a lot more people will be less and less likely to shut themselves into a closet. I can pretty much watch my wife become more and more accepting of me with each person like Robin Roberts who comes out, and people like that are a great encouragement for younger people who are unsure of what to do. (Being from Wisconsin, I had hopes about our Packers quarterback as well, but I think the jury's still out on him. He may be gay, or he might just be "really, really" dense, although according to a friend of mine, the "roommate" is definitely gay.)

It's nice to think that being in the closet will be as foreign to some future generation as victrolas and Model T's, but I think there will always be closets as long as there are still people who give us reasons to fear being out. But I see more hope all the time.

 

Yep, I think some people didn't dwell on gayness as much as they dwelled on whether effeminate when in school. The reunions, when you learn that a few people had died of AIDS, sort of made one confront that reality, on a more visual level, as in "they might have been doing %&$#@."

Haha. I'd fall into "permanent bachelor" status. However, seeing who and what's out there, it works for me. I'll tell you something funny. Permanent bachelor types, at least in more traditional work or social settings, are sort of skittish around each other. They "cross suspect" (a term my friend coined) and don't want to be part of the rumor mill, when they could just be friends. If I see a decent looking man or woman who appears to be straight, has not had ties to anyone for quite a while, and has never been married, I sort of assume. You may not be right all of the time, but you are most of the time.

 

I've always thought most couples these days favored cohabitation status over marriage, as a generational thing. People are having less kids, moving out at later ages, and putting more thought into schooling, so it's not like our parents' generation, where by my age (23), you had a full time job, family, and were married.

None of my other brothers are in relationships, either, and still live at home, but I blame my parents for babying them. Now I wonder if growing up in that environment is the reason for me being such a later bloomer, what with a religious, overprotective mother, and an absent father.

 

There is a huge number of gay men still in the closet, many still living in straight marriages. I wouldn't be shocked if we discovered that roughly half of the men in the United States who have same sex attraction are still living in the closet.

Here is some good research done using aggregate data collected. It's estimated that roughly 5% of the men in the United States have some degree of same sex attraction based on the data.

Based on the information collected by the Williams Institute (found here) only 3.5% of the total population in the United States self identifies as LGBT, and of that total population only 1.7% openly identify as gay or lesbian.

If we take those numbers at face value, that means a whole lot of people are still in the closet.

 

It's good to not be alone.

 

Very interesting article.... I wonder how I would have responded to those questions 5 or 10 years ago. I was attracted to guys, had had a same-sex experience in college that I enjoyed, but I honestly don't know if I would have owned up to it completely, even on an anonymous survey. After 6 months here, of course, very little would surprise me, and just about anyone could come out and I would not bat an eye. Since I've become more comfortable with myself and have become more open and relaxed, guys in general are being much more friendly and conversational with me, some rather surprisingly so. I'm no middle-aged hottie by any means although I suppose I'm not bad-looking, and I certainly am not assuming that every married guy who strikes up a conversation is secretly lusting after me or men in general! But some of the looks and behaviors and vague signals seem very familiar to me, now that I'm in tune with them a little more. Married or single, I think there are a lot more of us out there than anyone realizes.

 

Absolutely. In real terms if we assume that 5% of the male population of the United States is either gay or bisexual then that means we're looking at a population of around 15,866,787. To put things in context, if we took all those people and moved them to a single state, it would be the 5th most populous state in the entire country. It would have 3 million more people than the state of Illinois, the current fifth most populous state, and just roughly 4 million less than the state of Florida the fourth most populous state.

If we were a country we would have a larger population than all of these countries combined: Denmark, Ireland, New Zealand, and Iceland. There would still be nearly a million of us left to go around, which means you could also throw in Malta, the Bahamas, Palau and Gibraltar.

That's just counting the 5% of the United States population that consists of either gay or bisexual men. That is not counting lesbian or bisexual women, trans* people, and other members of the queer community. That 5% may not seem like much, until you realize those numbers actually make us larger than a lot of nations.

If we assume that gay and bisexual men make up 5% of the population worldwide, then that gives us a population of around 356,959,690. That would give us nearly 40 million more people than the United States, making us the worlds third largest country behind India and China. This, once again, is not including lesbian and bisexual women, trans* people, and other members of the queer community.

 

He's gay. Why would an NFL quarterback who gets paid millions every year need a "roommate?" It's not like he can't afford a place in an expensive city. So if he has a "roommate" at all, it's for the companionship (likely of an intimate sort).

 

That's the thing; we shouldn't be. What it really speaks to is the strength of the conditioning we received and how effective peer pressure is. In a much freer environment many of those people you know about now would have surfaced back in the day. However, the possible consequences for someone who was even suspected of being gay were devastating. Add familial expectations for getting married and having children and it is a very difficult deal to crack.

As time goes on, it wouldn't surprised me if the gay percentage of the population increased a bit. With less pressure to fit into The Box, more people may discover their real sexuality.

 

Whatever the reason, it's good to know you're not alone...you're not any odder than you already think you are...this started with a religious retreat that led to a period on intense prayer and self-examination...how crazy is that...I'm still involved with it, but the intent was to draw my wife and I closer togther, as well as, deepening my spiritual life...my relationship with God's up, but as to my wife and myself, another story...to quote Capote, " More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones."...because they force you beyond your comfort zone...there's more tears, because it has shown me that I cannot want what I wanted...I can't be straight, but I can accept what I am...gay...as more of us are faced with this reality due to this more tolerant and enlightened time...more of us will come out...there's not one person that has advised me that has not gotten married that didn't go into it with honest intentions...we've done as we were schooled to do...not just out of fear...but out of love and a sense of duty...most of us seem to have kept our vows...if we've been dishonest...if we've truly been dishonest it is with ourselves...we knew what we should be...what we wanted for ourselves...no one who is middle aged whose taken this road wanted to be gay...I don't know if it was being closeted as much as it was a misguided sense of family and societal obligation...being closeted involves actively being afraid...certainly our fear may have been subordinated...I need to stop I may be in over my head...if offence is taken it is not intentional and I'd ask you forgiveness as one who has recently come to terms with his sexuality.