Over 40 / never married - out?

Well, it's an assumption people make. Also, if a person is reasonably educated and presentable, it strengthens their argument ... in their minds. Why aren't they with someone? What are they hiding?

The point is that people can get nasty with this exact situation you describe. It's none of their damn business, if you think about it. However, most people in this situation just go on living their life as before, not considering what people think about them and knowing full well that most people are suspicious of their sexuality. To anyone who would be snide or mean-spirited about it, they're the one with the problem, though they certainly don't know that.

 

Hi,

40? Number is lower than that if he has no locker room talk.

How good is his "beard"?

Tom

Beard: Any opposite sex escort taken to an event in an effort to give a homosexaul person the apperance of being out on a date ...

 

Right. It can dip markedly under certain circumstances. When it comes to locker room talk, do you mean talking sports or talking smut?

 

Hi,

I mean language that supports a straight beard. (Smut and related)

Tom

 

They used to just call it being a confirmed bachelor. Was that code for homosexual?

 

What's funny is that almost 20% of men have not married by age 35 or 40, if you look at latest census figures. Is it a sign of the times, or are men starting to bat for the other team?

It's interesting that they have TV shows trying to set up these confirmed bachelors on dates with women who are competing against each other to get the guy.

 

Hi Piano71,

First of all, I can very much relate to your post. My experience is that when you are 30+, and not married/ltr you are a "suspect". Quit a few people look surprised, even bewildered, when I tell them I'm single and never married. Most leave it at that, but some go on by saying that "they are sorry for me" or even worse, ask me point blank if I'm gay "or something". I always feel somewhat offended by these remarks, as they usually come from people who don't really take an interest in me, but just have a big mouth.

Back to your question if you need to rework your strategy. First of all, if it doesn't work now, it probably hasn't worked for the last 10 or 15 years. Secondly, I would not come out, just to take away the "suspicions" of others. Only come out because YOU want to and YOU think the time has come to do so.

Have a good one!

 

Hi,

I agree. You do not see straights putting their bedroom antics on parade.

I don't care if they are into, bondage, leather, rubber, domination, or taking their wives back door on the kitchen table. Why go there? I don't even think about their sexuality beyond straight/married or straight/single. However they present is how I take them.

Same thing with transgender, you listen with your eyes when using pronouns.

Yeah, I know a guy who gives off gay like crazy but he presents as straight so I treat him as such.

I see no assumption of emotional choice being involved. Why should others dictate your presentation of sexuality to make them happy.


---------- Post added 8th Jan 2014 at 05:35 AM ----------

Hi,

My own post has me thinking...

Why are closeted gays any different than transgendered in how they are treated?

If you attacked a guy for presenting as straight when he is gay (closeted) how is that different from attacking a transgender for their presentation?

 

Hi,

Why the hang up on marriage?

I would guess that if you do not date woman, have never had a running relationship with a woman, and never used a beard you are viewed as gay.

Most likely have been since your mid-twenties. People chatted behind your back all along, but now it is just assumed and they can be aggressive about it.

I am 55 and just learned my sister talked to my parents about my sexuality in my mid-twenties and they shut down the topic. Nothing was ever said to me.

I never dated in high school, no beard, went to functions alone or brought my roommate (roommate - code for gay partner). Nobody ever said a word to me. Now that I am out it is evidently ok to talk to me about the chatter when I was younger.

If you are 40, not dating, no girlfriend, no hetero LTR's people know your status. The only person who thinks otherwise about public persona is... you.

Yeah, I ended up marrying a woman but not as a beard. I married in hopes of a stable relationship I could not find in the gay community. Don't do it, doesn't work.

Tom

 

Hey buddy,

You are still you. Your world need not change just because you reveal who you prefer.

The truth is the only thing that changes.

If you like mudding in a Jeep you won't need to trade the Jeep in when you come out.

After you are out you are still you.

Tom

 

I got married at 44; no one had ever asked me if I was gay, even people who I knew were gay; apparently they were all just as confused as I was. Recently someone saw my Facebook page where I was supporting marriage equality and gay Marines as "Likes", and asked me if I am gay. It was the first time in 68 years.

 

Hi mate,

When YOU come to the conclusion that the time has come to end the charade, I would say, try to go for it!

Yes, most likely your life will change, but help me out with the changes you mention. You mention your career. Is your profession only open to straight people? I don't know your line of business or where you live, but will you lose your job when you came out? Or do you regret the career you have chosen, and would you prefer to do something completely different?

The "image" SOME people have of you will probably change. That's the price you'll probably have to pay for a less stressful life, as you descibe it. Personally, I am not fully convinced I am prepared to pay that price. Just yet...........

Best regards!

---------- Post added 8th Jan 2014 at 08:19 PM ----------

It happened to me a number of times. But then again, the Duth are known to be notoriously blunt, so forgive me, when I am!:icon_redf

 

I've never been married, never had a girlfriend, and for that matter never even dated...as far as I know noone suspectes me.
(the exception being that I believe my sister atleast at one point mighta suspected something...)

Nobody has ever directly asked me if I'm gay or anything.
I have been indirectly asked in the past (been a number of years though), and I caught on right away to the question being asked. I ofcourse very clearly denied it, once even saying something along the line of "don't even start with the 'g' word"

If/when people question about my being single & not dating (both of which I'll redially admit to), I just say I like being single and not interested in dating. (Thats not totally a lie either since I'm fine with being single )

No matter what, if anyone was to question being gay, I would deny it (even if I knew for a fact the one asking was gay himself).

 

That is amazing. What do you attribute that to? You don't have to answer, but it is interesting. It's usually that you have an employer where this is not cool, and would be considered harassment, or you have been blessed with people around you who have boundaries. Or you have absolutely zero attributes that would lead someone to think that.

When this happens, I sort of ask why. Can't do anything about it. I know the numbers, meaning age and no s.o., are there. It's never anyone who has just met me, since car salespeople and realtors assume I have a family or kids. It's people I've worked with for a while or someone who has seen a form I've filled out, and included the marital status of single. Chief among these events was a dental hygienist who, after 4 visits and very little talking prior to this, learned that I was going to Florida on vacation, about which I was testily asked "Will you be going to Keeeeyyyyyy Wessssttttttttttttt?" I simultaneously thought "What a bitch" and "I've got to tell (names of certain friends) about this" ... for a good laugh.

 

Do you think this is true for women too?

 

The phenomena of being gay (whether self-acknowledged or not) but not living a "gay lifestyle", which means living like most other non-gay people live, must be pretty common, because there are a lot of "singles" who don't date, never got married, and don't want to for various reasons. People just don't get married as routinely as they used to back in the 1900s, they get divorced much more frequently, and spend more time being single than people used to, sometimes being career driven workaholics. This makes an unpaired gay person stand out less than they did decades ago. That is probably why people don't notice us as much as they used to; we are just not the squeeky-wheel exception we used to be, and to a greater extent than before, most people are ignoring us as visibly gay people become more accepted by the mainstream and more common, so the novelty has somewhat worn off.

 

Probably in part due to the fact that is I let someone know I'm single, its very likely that the "I like being single" thing will also be said (especially if always been single is said) LOL

Other than family nobody knows about "never even dated" part

I have had people I don't know just automatically assume I'm married. When I say no, assuming they ask why, a response like 'at this time I want to stay single' seems to do the trick. I've never gotten any further questioning there on being gay or anything...at most something like "maybe when you meet the right girl". that is easy I just answer with a "maybe"

Not sure how I'd respond to a question like your hygienist asked. I know I'd be a bit pissed, if it came down to it I'd lie and say no I'm not going there...