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A wife of gay man asking a question

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Rubytuesday, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. Rubytuesday

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    Hi,

    Hope you don't mind me asking this question here. I've posted it in the family section but didn't get many helpful responses.


    I'm looking for some advice please.
    My husband came out to me last summer and since then we have separated and he has moved out. We have children aged 9&7 . I don't know when we should tell them that their dad is gay.

    We have told them we split because we love each other as friends but not as a husband and wife. I don't know if we should tell them that he is gay now before he gets into any serious relationship or if we should leave it until he actually finds someone. I've casually mentioned that men can like men and women women etc but that has been met with a disgusted face from them

    Do any of you have any experience with this?
    Thanks
     
  2. skiff

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    No blanket answer. Every situation is different.

    If you are supportive of each other with no hostility it should not matter.

    Kids talk so if grandma doesn't know she will.
     
  3. NotSureWhatIam

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    I wouldn't out him to anybody without talking to him first. Its an important decision and it's not yours. If my brother outed me to somebody I would never forgive him.
     
  4. piano71

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    I agree with others who have responded. There's no pressing need to 'out' him right now. But if you do plan to tell your kids eventually, I'd keep reinforcing the message that gay is OK. They didn't learn the "disgusted look" reaction based on what you taught them, but from other places (peers at school, the media, etc.). If their attitudes become more gay-accepting, it will be less of a shock when it comes time for them to learn their dad is gay.
     
  5. Rubytuesday

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    Please notice that there is a 'we' in my post. I have no intention of outing him to anyone. He is openly out to everyone other than the children.

    We would always tell them together. My question is when should WE tell them?
     
  6. Rose27

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    I told my son I am gay same day as divorce so he would not think of blaming himself as some kids do. Also he knows there is no chance his Dad & I will get back together...my STBX was
    also there when I told our son.
    Your kids Dad needs to be the one to tell them he is gay when you both think they are ready. Better to deal with the topic before they hear it by accident from someone else. My son does not care that I'm gay only about the divorce.
    Know this is a very painful time for both of you.
     
    #6 Rose27, Jan 8, 2014
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  7. Lexington

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    I don't see any reason to do a big announcement just yet. Sure, if they ask questions, answer them. And once he has a boyfriend, you can introduce them to him. But until then, I'd say let things progress as they have been.

    Lex
     
  8. Aldrick

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    Hey, Rubytuesday. I apologize that some of our younger members decided to turn your other support thread into a debate among themselves.

    Like I said in the other thread I think it's best to have the discussion before he finds himself in a serious relationship. Even if he were straight, watching him enter into another relationship with someone that isn't their mother isn't something that is going to be particularly easy. Having to also find out he's gay at the same time is an unnecessary double whammy.

    They may require some time to process and accept the fact that their dad is gay. That's okay, of course, and it's one of the reasons why he really should come out before he's in a serious relationship.

    And, as I previously said, this isn't a conversation about sex. It's a conversation about relationships, and fundamentally no different than talking about any other straight adult in the family entering into a relationship with someone. (Example: Their aunt / uncle / cousin / grand parent / family friend getting engaged or finding a new boyfriend / girlfriend.)

    Their response, at their age, is most likely going to be: "Ewww.... why would dad want to kiss another man?" Which of course, you answer with, "Well, for the same reason he might have kissed a woman, because he's in a relationship and in love. That's what people do when they're in relationships together."

    They still might be at the age where they think a girl and a guy kissing might similarly be gross. Though the oldest is probably starting to phase out of that.

    Just let them ask questions, answer in an age appropriate manner, and it's really a non-issue. Then outside of that, it's just a matter of you showing positive support for your ex-husbands relationships (and vise versa for him showing support for your relationships), remaining on good terms, etc. It provides a certain level of continuity, where the kids take the lead from you both.

    If you both appear happy and supportive of each other, and remain good friends and in good communication, then the kids are going to feel a greater sense of stability. And of course, framing things as you both move on as your family growing larger rather than growing apart and moving on. So, let's say you both eventually get remarried to men. Well, it's just a situation where they've gained two step dads, and now have two additional men in their lives who love and care for them.

    Hopefully this helped. I honestly think this is the best advice you're going to receive, unless you have more specific and direct questions or concerns.
     
  9. Yossarian

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    It is worth noting that you are saying "we" when you ask about telling your children that your ex is gay. The question, when it comes up eventually from them, is likely to come to only one or the other of you as the children get older, not both simultaneously, and not from both of them simultaneously since they are of different age. From your tone, it seems that you are both behaving like adults and presenting a "united front" to the children for their benefit. I also urge you to continue to do that, and when the questions do come, that you let each other know and follow up on the discussion, so that the message they get from each of you is essentially the same, and that they know that there are no secrets between you which THEY have to manage and keep. Congratulations to both of you for respecting each other and working together for the benefit of your children.
     
  10. Highlander2

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    Hi @Rubytuesday. I am in a similar position to your husband. I came out to my wife after 15+ years of being married. We have two children, and I am struggling to think of the words to use to tell them I am moving out, let alone that I am gay. They are similar ages to yours and I am scared of damaging them with too much detail or too much vague waffle.

    I had thought of not telling them about me being gay just yet. I just don't want to add more fear and instability to their lives :frowning2:

    @Aldrick - that's good advice, thanks for sharing this.
     
  11. Tightrope

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    I think the thing would be to work on that disgusted look you refer to. It's interesting to see that kids today would even be picking that up, if in a fairly progressive area. Growing up, I think my peer group would have probably reacted with something more silly than disgusted if confronted with the concept of attraction within the same gender being possible. With that on your plate and on your kids' plates, I think it's better to hold off. I also think it would be even worse to confide in an outside party that isn't bound by silence as a result of their work in that it could boomerang to your kids and, moreover, you wouldn't have control over the way the message was delivered.

    I have not been in this situation. I know adult peers who have. I knew kids who later learned that their parents were gay or lesbian. I personally know adults who I believe are currently in marriages that involve not laying their cards on the table while continuing to be in the marriage while possibly cheating, while this is no business of mine.

    Either way, I think that your situation is premature. You need more time and to do some paving of the groundwork.
     
    #11 Tightrope, Jan 9, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2014
  12. Zam

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    I personally think that you should tell them when they are older than that,around 13,because it's much more clear at that age,But,you should ask a psychologist about that.

    We can give the basics on EC,but for this context,it is a case by case thing,I would seek professional help,it costs a lot,but one or two sessions should get you the answers you need,I hope it goes well for you.
     
  13. Bear101

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    When I talked to my counselor, about my daughter (14) as well as her counselor, they told me the same thing.

    One, I need to be the one to tell her (since I'm the one who is gay).

    Two, I need to be absolutely secure in my sexuality before I tell her.

    Three, it's best to tell them before puberty (if possible). But make sure that they are ready for it. It's really, all about the kids. For us, since we missed that, we need to wait until at least this summer.

    It's all about the kids. If they are in counseling, talk to the counselor and see what she says.
     
  14. Jim1454

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    Hi Rubytuesday! Welcome to EC!

    My wife and I were in the exact same situation. We separated when our kids were 3 and 5, so at the time we only discussed the separation. That mommy and daddy still loved them, but didn't love each other the same way any more, that it wasn't anything to do with the them, that it was an adult thing, etc.

    What I have heard from a psychologist is that the time to share this kind of information with kids is between the ages of 7 and 12. In this period they are old enough to understand the issue and young enough to take their cue as to how to react to it from their parents. Wait til they're older and you risk them taking their cues from their peer group - which may or may not be positive.

    We waited a little over 2 years, so the kids were 6 and 8. We waited until school was out that year, so that they had time to digest it before going back to school. I told them, with my ex wife present. Their reaction was a bit of surprise, and a lot of indifference. The 8 year old knew what 'gay' meant, so was surprised to hear it applied to her dad. But it didn't seem to phase her. The little one didnt know, but it was explained as someone suggested above - while most stories talk about a prince and a princess falling in love, sometimes two princes can fall in love with each other. That was it.

    Shortly after I introduced them to my boyfriend, who is now my husband. My ex wife has also remarried, so the girls do have 3 dads. They seem OK with the situation. They are 'out' at school - their friends know that their dad is gay, and it doesn't seem to make a difference.

    We told them that this wasn't something that they needed to keep a secret. They shouldn't feel like it is. At the same time, we told them that they were also entitled to their privacy, and if they didn't want to talk about it with their friends they didn't have to. I had intentionally held off coming out to most people until my kids knew - so that they would definitely hear it from me rather than someone else. But once I was out to them I came out to my extended family so that if the kids were to say something it wouldn't come as a surprise. My ex also spoke to the moms of some of their friends to give them a heads up - again so that the topic could be handled in the most positive way if it were to come up.

    That first year that they returned to school my ex wife and I arranged to meet with their teachers to let them know - so that the teachers could be prepared if the conversation came up in the classroom. But beyond that first year, we haven't bothered to do that. The kids have in some way told the teachers themselves.

    The way my ex wife looked at it - if her kids had a gay dad, then she was going to make sure that their experience was going to be as positive and supportive as possible. So she always talked very positively about me and my boyfriend. She never gave the kids the impression that they needed to keep any secrets or avoid talking about me at her house.

    Being on the same page is important. I'd tend to lean to the 'tell them sooner rather than later' side of the argument. It ensures that they hear it from you first. It ensures that the messaging they are getting about homosexuality is influenced by you and your husband, and how you conduct yourselves. It might be a little easier for them to understand if your husband were seeing someone, but I don't think it's necessary.

    Feel free to write back here if you have any other questions. Having 'been there and done that' there might be other things you want to know.
     
  15. Femme

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    Let me begin by saying that I am a teacher and not a parent. Children at those ages are very aware of their surroundings and are much more savvy about the world than people think. Our kids are overexposed to images and while you may think they are too young or its best to cross that bridge when he finds a partner, I disagree. It is best for them to find out from their parents in a safe environment before it inevitably gets communicated by someone else. If he is out everyone, some of these friends have children that may hear their parents conversation. Please don't wait for the proper moment. There isn't one. It will be difficult. I'm glad that you want to do it together. That is wonderful. Know that they will also need time to process and then return to each parent separately.

    As if that hurdle weren't enough, there will be a moment on the playground or in the classroom where something hurtful is said. You cannot shield them from it but you can try to somewhat prepare them by being supportive of their father. Once the kids know, you can help them to accept it.

    You sound like a wonderful mother and they are very lucky to have you. Best of luck!(*hug*)
     
  16. CameronBayArea

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    I participate in an in-person peer support group for married or formerly married men. Almost every man in the group has children and all of them have dealt with this question, myself included.

    What's interesting is that, whether they waited for years or told them right away, not one man in the group has had a problem with his children accepting him. Some kids needed a little time to process the news, but that's been the worst reaction. A number of older kids (teens, 20s) have rejected their father because he cheated on their mother, but they've always made it clear that cheating is the problem, not sexual preference.

    A number of men have told their kids when they were under the age of 12. One guy told all three of his kids when his youngest was 4. He says he's glad he told them when they were young, for two reasons. First, his kids won't really remember him as being someone different. He's always been their dad, he's always been gay and neither are a big deal. Second, because his son is under-sized, not very athletic and really into music and theater, he's glad he told him before he hit puberty. He feels that if he had waited, his son would have been insecure about his own sexuality. Instead his son is very comfortable with who he is...small, geeky, and definitely straight.

    Based on my own experience and what I've learned from other men in the group, my advice is to tell the kids when they're young and be matter of fact about it. Please know that your reaction, as their mother, is especially important. If you don't make it a big deal about it, your kids will follow your lead. Similarly, if you make a dramatic announcement, or provide well-intentioned warnings ("don't be sad!", "it's not that bad", etc) you risk planting the seeds for later insecurity and discomfort. It's in everyone's interest to be low-key because that sets the tone for a positive and cohesive family environment.

    In one situation I know about, the kids had a problem accepting their dad's partner because he was the "other man." To prevent any confusion in that regard, I suggest telling the kids before your husband is in a relationship. That's what I did and I think it was a good choice. Also, because they were teenagers I think they appreciated that I respected our relationship enough to be as honest as possible, as soon as possible. Had I waited, they might have been resentful that I kept hiding from them, even after their mom and I had split.
     
  17. PeteNJ

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    Tell your children now.

    Keeping and holding family secrets is a terrible thing for all of you.

    The longer you wait to tell them the more they'll wonder why it took so long, what's wring with them.

    Letting them know will build a stronger resolution ship with their Dad.

    I can't stress this enough - dont wait.
     
  18. pgame311

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    Agreed. They're going to need to find out sometime and it shouldn't be through the introduction of a a potential male lover down the line. There needs to be a conversation, but I think that it's his conversation to have with them.

    As far as you're concerned, I think you're doing a stellar job and need to continue to build that foundation of acceptance because in a general sense, open-minded people are psychologically healthier; considering their situation, it's important that they know their parents love and care about them regardless of familial structure. I say this because I know this can't be easy for you either. I want you to know that, from personal experience, this was in internal struggle for your husband and simply because gay men eventually discover/admit their sexuality to themselves, it doesn't discredit you or anything you had between you.

    In the same vain, you want to make sure your kids feel like they came out of love, so maintaining some sense of cordiality, forgiveness, and acceptance—even if it's arduous—is going to benefit everybody down the line. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I wish the very best for everyone involved. (*hug*)
     
  19. Tightrope

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    I'm reading all these. The comments make sense.

    However, there's a middle ground, folks. I know that it's almost become fashionable to come out quickly for some adults, and even those with families. Sorry if I'm so reductionist. But, you're right. There is no perfect time. I agree. However, the OP needs to decide whether she will break the news, the father will break the news, or the parents will break the news together.

    As for the delay, the look of disgust concerns me. This is 2014. When I was about 12, it would have been more "wow, man, can you believe that?" more so than disgust. That edge needs to be burnished off from these kids. It's coming from somewhere - peers, media, etc. That's why I said a little more time. Some investigation as to why there is this disgust needs to be conducted. When some reasoning and dialogue has occurred, then they can get the news.

    A couple of other things:
    - when I was talking other source, I wasn't so much talking about a new male lover, who may not even exist and for a while, but a good friend the OP may borrow a cup of sugar from who then tells another good friend and it comes to the kids via the grapevine
    - I agree that a short stint with a therapist as to how to broach the issue might be beneficial, given the context, though other parents have gone through this without the help of therapists.

    I'm taking a middle of the road posture. And I wish you and your kids all the best.
     
  20. Lindsey23

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    My therapist told me that kids tend to handle it better when they learn before the age of 12. It becomes the new normal pretty quickly I guess. If you wait too long they may wonder why you kept it a secret for so long. Since he's out to everyone else anyway I think it would only help their relationship with their father to know sooner. I'm not out to my kids though so I can't speak from experience.