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How long is too long ?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Becomingme, Jan 9, 2014.

  1. Becomingme

    Regular Member

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    I am struggling with my sexuality, believe it or not, at 58. As an adolescent and teen I don't recall having sexual desires like my friends. I was increasingly reclusive as I entered my teens. I always felt deeply ashamed of my body which I saw as insufficiently masculine. For a time in junior high I hung out with a couple of girls who called me Fay. I then shucked that identity and started leading a more conventional albeit life, with the nagging internal voice telling me I was gay even though I had no interest in exploring or acting on this . I was always a very anxious person plagued by problems that spoke to being exposed and humiliated - excessive sweating, facial flushing.

    When I was about 30 I met a cute girl and we hit it off. Kissing her and touching her turned me on and I was incredibly excited and relieved that our relationship became sexual. After a few years we married and had a son. I then went through a very stressful period and again found myself haunted by fears I was secretly gay even though I only a couple of times felt a hint of gay attraction. I was put on an anti depressant that I found hugely liberating but ultimately we separated over my wife's frustration with my rigid controlling style. I did share my sexuality fears with her but she and my therapist brushed them off.

    Ten years later I met a cute realtor with whom I hit it off. Sex was easy and exciting and we enjoyed traveling and the good life together. I kept breaking up with her because I just felt something wasn't right. I would come back because I liked her and found sex with her a source of comfort and relief. By the end of our relationship I was in my mid 50s and my sexual performance was flagging. I then became involved with a coworker going through a nasty divorce. By then I had Viagra and we were very sexually active as long as the pill worked. I genuinely loved her although I didn't physically lust for her the way I expect most people in love do. Over a year ago we started living together. Sex became more something I felt I had to do than wanted to do. About 5 months ago my ED pills started losing their effectiveness. Our relationship suffered as I became less happy and more controlling. When she went away for Christmas with her son, I had a very unhappy week on my own. I couldn't get out if my head the thought that I am gay, all relationships with woman have been well intentioned mistakes, and my life as I know it is doomed.

    I really don't know where to go from here. I stopped taking an SSRI about 6 months ago and that's when things started to sour. I have been prescribed a new one but I'm reticent to take it even though my current anxiety and depression are the worst I have ever experienced. I really want to run away and start over but I realize this is no solution, and I don't want to cause more grief to my girlfriend.

    Thought, suggestions ?
     
  2. Miiaaaaa

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    Might be worth putting this in the LGBT later in life section. :slight_smile:
    But welcome, and sorry to see you're having such a tough time.

    But if you're gay, why not try a relationship with a guy?
     
  3. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    Welcome to EC! 1st: Think you know you will feel better if you are taking your prescribed medication. Don't let guilt and fear keep you from taking care of yourself 2. Find a LGBT friendly therapist who specializes in LGBT issues.

    You will find lots of support here. Many of us are coming out in our 40's,50's.60's & older.
     
  4. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Keep in mind SSRI use can cause sexual dysfunction.

    It sounds like you have avoided this a long time.

    Never too late to address it.

    You absolutely need a gay friendly therapist.

    Any number of gay people are Aspergers. This would account for anxiety and rigidity. It is a spectrum so it can be mild. Only you can work this out and discover the truth. But your ability to put logic ahead of emotion comes through. Not saying you have this.

    Tom
     
  5. bitheway7

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    I don't know where you live, but are there any LGBT peer support groups in your area, like PFLAG? A solid social support network helps make things seem less bleak at times.