Hello, I am planning on outing myself to my wife this month and want to see if anyone advises me to not do it. We started dating 19 years ago and have 4 young children. I am 36. Although we respect each other as friends, our romance and affection has been dead for a few years. We've really have become more roommates who share parenting responsibilities. Beyond the lost romance and stress of being a parent of 4, my life with her is comfortable. I have little idea what gay life will be like for me. Although I have been physically attracted to guys since I was 15, it was only recently that I considered the possibility of having a gay romantic relationship. The reasons are that I fell in love with a straight male friend and then I discovered dating/hookup sites. I really don't want to have affairs or continue lieing about who I am. I've been talking to a counselor who is helping me think through what I will tell my wife. I also outed myself to my best friend for his advice; he is fine with me being gay and had no idea. I hate to give up the stability and comfort of my current life and hurt my wife and children, but I am tired of being closeted and untruthful. I figure she has a right to know how much I desire men. I assume she will want to end the marriage but still work together to raise our kids. Do you think I should proceed with outing myself to her?
When the pain of doing nothing exceeds the fear of change you will act. Must be getting close because here you are. You will be fine.
I was surprised at the number of guys here on EC going through the same thing you (and I) are when I first found the site back in July. It's been a huge help. I'm a little older than you (52) but have had many of the same emotions and concerns. In the end, though, as you say, it's about being tired of being closeted and untruthful. I would do some serious thinking about how to go about it and get some idea of what direction you want your future to gradually head, but yes, when you're ready, I'd tell her. It's not easy, but in the end you will feel like you have done the right thing. You might want to spend some time here in the Later in Life section (although you're not nearly as late as some of us!) and see the stories and reactions. It's a huge help. Keep in touch--there are many very supportive, caring people here who have a lot of experience and perspective. Good luck!
I came out to my husband last year about 6 months sooner than I had planned. I was holding my breathe too often. I needed to be me. (*hug*)
I love Skiff's advice. Simple and very clear. If you do tell her, expect that there will be some really rough periods where you question your coming out to her....but given time, that too gets better. Trust that you are just trying to be open, honest, and work with her, as there's a coming out process for the spouse of a queer person, as well. Most of all, keep sharing with the E.C. community, get a GREAT therapist, and know that it really does get better. Patience is the key.
Very wise words I think and how I describe my situation Not much more I can add to them words! but I told my wife! best thing I have ever done.
Hi...you couldn't get better advice...however...steel yourself for the comming shit storm...I didn't somehow I envision any of what I'm going through now...but then I didn't think of it in terms of a death...my vicar did give me some good advice today...don't worry it's just common sense...she said that we're both grieving a loss, but that the perspectives were so far apart that there is no way right now to rationally discuss what's happening to us...there is no denying the fact that though in my heart right now it's the worst decision I've ever made (apart from the charming old money pit of a house we currently reside in:bang, I know in my head, when the dust has settled that it was the right one.(*hug*)
Thanks for the advice everyone. It is a very mixed up time for me and I keep changing my mind. This morning I thought I would tell soon. However this afternoon my counselor suggested giving the marriage more time before I tell her, because there is no going back once I say it. I don't think I can commit to not being with guys, but I don't want to end my current life.
Before you tell her, talk to a lawyer. Have a plan in place if she's throws you out of the house immediately.
Hi latebloomer, Alot of us here are going through the same fears. It is scary to think of giving up your current life for something new and unknown, but at least in my case living with the secrets and not being true to myself was getting to the point of making life miserable for me and the family. Just so you know, she cant legally throw you out if you are listed on the house, but it may be uncomfortable and tense if you stay
It will be better for you to tell her than for her to find out by some other means. ---------- Post added 10th Jan 2014 at 09:34 PM ---------- Also, I always assumed that if my wife found out, she would want to leave me. It turns out she did not want to leave me, and now, 8 months post disclosure, we are still together building a new kind of relationship. So, don't assume anything about how she will react.
The truth of who you are will change your life, you will be modeling the way you want your kids to live, authentically, and you open your life and your soon to be former wife's life to true happiness. Keep your eye on that possibility, it'll get you through the difficulties and chalkenges. Hugs
Thanks for the advice..Thinking more through this more, if I listen to the advice of my counselor by remaining in the closet, then my wife loves a facade of me and not the real me. If I am keeping the marriage intact for my kids, then what is the benefit of providing them a marriage based on false love. Would they in turn perpetuate the cycle based on my example by entering a similar marriage? Maybe the only reason to keep my marriage (and yours) intact is because we a programmed by social norms and the taboos of divorce. Maybe we need to free ourselves from these norms by knowing we can be good parents even in we aren't 'married'. Maybe we need to discover good parenting ourselves and not let society define it for us as it as defined our sexuality.
Last year I read a fascinating thread on a support forum for straight wives. The original poster was a closeted man with young kids. He was in his mid-30s. He asked the same question you're asking now. I'd estimate about 30 different women responded, all of whom had been in his wife's position. From reading other posts on the forum I knew many of these women were depressed, hurt, resentful and angry about their husband's deceptions. Even so, and quite amazingly, not one woman said wished she never knew the truth. Instead they all urged the man to come out to his wife as soon as possible. "She has a fundamental right to know the truth, THIS MINUTE." Reading all those wives' opinions was an eye-opening experience. In case you're wondering, that particular forum does not have an archive. The post has timed out and all the responses are long gone. Also, while it's true that your life will change if you come out, your wife won't necessarily be angry for long. What pisses wives off most are lying and cheating. If you tell your wife that you've only just come out to yourself and you've never done anything with anyone, there's not much she can say to criticize you. Especially if you explain the reason for coming out...not to run out and have sex with men...but because you felt you had a moral responsibility to tell her the truth as soon as possible. How can she object to that?
Please tell that one to my wife...in the middle of a real hurricane...my big deception was trying to wait until the holidays were overso my coming out wouldn't be a Christmas memory for everyone...some wise advise was given to me here...it's never a good time to start a hurricane...so sooner begun, sooner over.
Unless she is, by nature, an irrational person, your wife's hurricane winds will blow themselves out sooner rather than later. (Sooner is most likely to be months, not days or weeks.) The reason I'm confident about this is because her options for change are limited. What can she reasonably ask of you to make everything better? Demand that you remain monogamous, that's about it. She can't make you change your sexuality and she can't erase the fact that she now knows the truth. Does she want you to be fake and lie to her? Right now she's grieving. That's a process with at least seven distinct steps.
Hey Cameron... I'm pretty sure the post you're talking about on the straight spouse forum was mine. I too was amazed that every last one of the women said that knowing the truth was for the best..despite the pain it caused. Their responses were a significant factor in my decision to come out to my wife. I felt like a fox in a hen house posting on that site and there were a few angry replies, but most were thoughtful and clear that she deserves the truth so she can make informed decisions about her life moving forward.
