Today I saw my therapist for the last time. We have been working together on my marriage as well as my relationships with people in general. My sexuality has also been a major issue in my marriage. Today is the day that I have come to terms that there is nothing more I can do. In order for me to be happy and figure things out, I need to leave my marriage. My only comfort is that I have I really do love my husband, am attracted to him both sexually and emotionally but I feel like I'd rather be with a woman. Together, my husband and I have a 9 year old and 1 year old, both girls. My oldest is becoming very moody and become very anxious at times. I'm very worried about how this will effect my kids. I've told my husband a few times that I think I'm gay, but we usually just forget about it and move on because like I said I still am attracted to men and him. But I'm now at the point where I feel like I'm getting depressed and unable to work unless I figure things out. Just looking for any advice at all...Thanks.
Sorry, I have no advice. I will leave that to others who have the experience to help. I just want to wish you well. Be strong!
Browneyedgirl.... I can relate to something you said about having to leave your marriage in orde to sort things out. I told my wife 'I think I'm gay' 3 months ago and it has been very tough times. We have a 6 month old baby boy. We have agreed that the best way forward is a 'trial seperation' so this involves me finding a place to stay nearby. I really hope our future relationship can work and that I can continue to be a great dad for my amazing son. I have been very depressed for many years (throughout my adult life) and now have to face my biggest fear. Small steps in the right direction will take me towards happiness. Good luck and stay in touch x
Hi, Thanks for the replies. Bigeagle, I have also been very depressed for much of my adult life as well. The only time I was happy was around my girlfriends and the beginning of my relationship with my husband. But as my feelings began to settle for him, I became depressed again. I just feel really horrible about this whole situation and how I'm supposed to tell everyone (my inlaws, parents, etc). I come from a culture where being anything other than straight is kind of unheard of. Do you think I frauded my husband? I still get butterflies and stuff around him, but this pull to women is so much stronger (now) especially since I let myself think about it.
HI, good luck with everything, i really learned from your posts and i hope everything works out, i am learning more about my love for women and i think its so important for everyone to express and love all of you. I understand because its been a deep part of me that i am just now understanding
This is very difficult for me. I'm usually a very femme woman and I'm finding that I don't want to dress that way anymore and I want to be more "boyish". I keep thinking about shaving my head or cutting my hair really short. This is too much and I'm not sure how to handle all of this.
Take it one day at a time, a deep breathe too. Its ok and it sounds like your true self wants to shine and be you, and like ive been doin, give yourself credit for acknowledging yourself too. So, have you always felt this way growing up?
I can imagine how you're feeling at the moment and although I am not married, I understand where you're coming from. I've been with the father of my kids since I was 19, and while I am very attracted to him, I prefer to be with a woman. He and I, have been together on and off for many years, which gave me the opportunity to be with women. It's been roughly around two months since I stopped seeing my ex girlfriend and that's when we started seeing each other again. However, lately, I am really starting to miss being with a woman. We have discussed having an open relationship, but I am not sure if things would work out. Have you and your husband discussed the possibility of having an open relationship? My kids are 10, 6 and 5. They don't know that I like women, but I've tried to teach them that it is okay for two people of the same sex to be together. I don't think they really understand, but I'm sure they will in time, because I worry how things will affect them as well.
No... I certainly don't think you have 'frauded' your husband but I can totally understand what you mean. For me... when I met my wife, I totally adored her and definitely felt like I'd fallen in love and wanted to be with her forever. However, my suppression was so strong, that I managed to block out all previous 'gay feelings' and convince myself that I could be happy with this woman. She is nice looking, has a lovely warm and caring personality and is being an amazing mum to our young baby. This is what makes many of our situations so difficult - our partners have not changed into horrible people who we want to get away from. It is us who have changed, through the process of self-acceptance. From the outside, our relationship must seem solid and permanent to our families and friends - which makes breaking the news even more difficult. I have spoken to my wife about telling some friends, this would be a big step forward but fills me with dread! Hope this helps... x
@indie419, no I have no always felt this way. I have been with women before when I was a teen, but back then my feelings for men were a lot stronger. I also think I was a bit homophobic as well. I also thought that my negative feelings towards men were caused by the sexual abuse I suffered in my teens - but that has all been dealt with in therapy. I've never dared to look like anything less than "a pretty girl" as I wanted to attract men. @pink, I've read a lot of your posts and can relate to a lot of them. I'm really scared about what's going to happen to my family. I have spoken to my husband about an open relationship before, but I think I'd be a lot happier in a relationship with a woman and if needed, an open relationship with her - if I need to be with men. @Bigeagle, thank you for making me feel better. I too felt like I was in love with my husband and he was all I needed... And yes, I understand what you mean by our partners aren't changing. I still feel like kissing and hugging him but I won't anymore Our friends and family also think we have a perfect relationship. This really sucks.
Also, why do I keep thinking about shaving my head? I cut my hair really short once and I didn't leave the house until it grew in. Then I got really embarrassed around attractive men. I'm just so excited to run away from my life and go wild or something.
There have been times in my life when the attraction others felt towards me was really confusing. Like, I must be straight-enough if these straight men keep hitting on me. I was focused on other people's responses to me and what they wanted with me rather than what I wanted. When I went to gay clubs and lesbian bars as a 19-20 year old, I got almost no attention from lesbians. I attribute that to my being so young then, the opposite of self-confident, and femme. At the same time, frat boys at college kept asking me out. I ended up shaving my head at age 23 perhaps to get a break from hetero attention and to attract some female attention. I was also super into Ani Difranco at the time and it was 1998. But I have returned to my femme ways - that's who I am. I don't dress for the straight male gaze... My girlfriend loves me in a skirt (or jeans). I no longer have anything to prove. And I'm also not trying to increase my visibility at this point. I share all of that just to say I can relate to the urge to shave your head and go wild!
O ok I see, I hope the best for you and, i believe it all takes time and i believe the puzzle pieces are trying to connect for you right now, good luck with everything, im here as well if you ever want to chat
I totally agree with you on this. I'd rather have a woman as my primary partner and date a guy occasionally -if she allows it. I think your kids will be fine. My kids actually know what it means to be gay and they think its gross, but I'm not surprised. I just keep reinforcing that being with the same sex is okay. So, it might be a good idea to start reading LGBT books to your kids. I've heard they have some pretty awesome kid books about having same sex parents.
Thank you everyone has given me some insight and answers. I'm feeling really horrible today and uncertain in my future. I have no idea how I'm supposed to go about any of this...I feel like I wanna go nuts - shave my head and go exploring. I can't really do that while I have young children, especially the baby. I've been so depressed lately that I don't even work and on top of that I am starting to hate my job as well. To be honest, I've been kind of neglecting my home duties and have lost motivation to do anything. I feel like I'm just waiting to rot or something. I work in the fitness industry and I know better than how I'm acting, I really feel like a teenager that wants to go wild. How does anyone cope like this?
And I sometimes feel extremly fluid. Even when I was with a girl when I was younger, I still wanted to be with men sometimes. I'm still the same, today I really really want to sleep with my husband but won't because I don't want him to think I've now gone straight again. How does anyone handle finding themselves and being a parent at the same time. I was so into my kids and family and now I'm so distracted
How does anyone handle it? All I can tell you is what I've done to stay sane. Lots of time on EC for starters. Developed some friendships here that have moved beyond the forum to texting and phone calls. Found a phone support group to join since there's nothing like that where I live. Made a friend there who I skype with regularly. Came out to a former colleague who's been through this (only difference is she's a lesbian). Maintained contact with my in laws who thankfully want to preserve a relationship with me. Stay involved with my kids lives and attend all their school and sports activities. It's anything but easy and I'm sure it's even harder if you're running the house where the kids live (I'm in my own apartment, not by choice). Hope it helps to know you're anything but alone in what you're dealing with.
I agree with others, i think EC is a good place to know others that are going through things too and never give up, i always say, its ok to let it all out and cry, it helps the heart and soul, ---------- Post added 12th Jan 2014 at 09:33 PM ---------- Also, EC, has a lot of support and good posts and info!
Brown eyed girl your story sounds so similar to mine. I am currently seeing a councillor to try and sort out who I am and in the hope I can save my marriage. This part isn't going so well. I have 2 beautiful children and feel like a terrible mum at the moment. My days are just filled with confusion and sadness. Mu husband was supportive at first but now he doesn't know what he wants and won't talk to me. My councillor is determined to build my confidence so I am pinning my hopes on her. I really hope you find happiness and yourself. Once you find happiness the rest will follow. X
