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I'm having a really hard time being a good mom

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by browneyedgirl, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. Ever since I have accepted these lesbian feelings I've had this urge to absorb myself into anything that has to do with being gay. I have 2 kids who need me and I feel like I want to ignore them. At the moment my husband works 2 jobs and I am with the kids all the time. He's working 2 jobs cause I'm very distracted with my new self and unable to do my job efficiently. I also want to stay on this site all day long.

    I pretty much want to ignore my old life and absorb myself into this new one. I know it is wrong and am trying my best to not avoid my children. How do I cope?
     
    #1 browneyedgirl, Jan 13, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2014
  2. skiff

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    Running away feelings? Disappear feelings?
     
  3. Yes, like leave my life behind and go exploring. I used to be an amazing mom =(
     
  4. skiff

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    Some claim arrested development when you enter the closet. It resumes when you leave the closet.

    Maybe this can mean a abandonment of the false persona built while in the closet for some individuals?

    Sounds like a stretch to me.

    Could just be fight or flight.

    Tom
     
  5. Jim1454

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    I don't think it's as bad as you fear it might be. This isn't a sign that you want to leave or abandon your kids.

    This is simply a result of you recognizing, for the first time, this very important and significant aspect of you that you have previously not accepted. It can be overwhelming. And what you are describing is very similar to what I experienced and what a lot of people say they experienced when they first came out. This is a HUGE distraction, but it will pass.

    I'd say allow yourself to immerse yourself in this stuff for a while. You're sort of in 'catch up' mode. But before long you'll reach equilibrium again, and you'll regain interest in other things and be less obsessed by this site and all things LGBT.
     
  6. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    the amazing mom you are is still there. Right now it feels like you need to go 0-60 with this new truth about yourself. Take a few slow deep breaths. Go Hug your kids. It will be ok.
     
  7. fortheloveoflez

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    I guess this might be difficult but I think instead of entirely suppressing yourself and ultimately being unhappy and thus not being highly attentive to your kids in the longrun, it's best that you try to take some time "off" where you can find yourself. When you have all your thoughts off your chest it is likely you will feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders then you can go back to being whatever mom it is you want to be.
     
  8. HopeFloats

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    My goal has been to have an integrated, authentic life. To be a lesbian and a mother at the same time.

    Maybe you should try to meet some gay parents to be friends with in real life. You don't have to choose between your sexual orientation and your role as a mother.
     
  9. pinklov3ly

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    I get how easy it is to get distracted with this 'new life' that you have discovered, because I've been there. It was like, I was so consumed with my feelings that no one mattered as horrible as that sounds. However, I had to be honest with myself if I was going to figure out a way to juggle my hectic life as a mother and this newfound identity.

    I just think that you may need a day or two to yourself. I'm lucky to have my kids grandparents, who are very active in their lives. They visit their grandparents every weekend or sometimes every other weekend. So, having that time to myself has given me a chance to be myself and breathe. I think I would've went crazy if I wasn't given that opportunity to get away from reality.

    Being a parent can be very overwhelming sometimes, so it's important that you take care of yourself first, that way you can take care of your kids. Just please be honest with those around you even if they don't know that you're gay. It's nice being able to talk to someone irl about your feelings.

    You can still be gay and be a wonderful mother, so, go explore and fun. Being a parent shouldn't stop you from having a life. And I totally agree with Hopefloats, meeting gay parents will make you feel so much better and less alone.
     
    #9 pinklov3ly, Jan 13, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2014
  10. Thanks for the input everyone. My feelings have been going back and forth for years, but before my feelings for men were stronger and I desregarded those for women.

    I feel really depressed - I've lost all my feelings for men, don't want to wear my "girly" stuff anymore and I am unable to handle my job at the moment.

    Hopefully I can find some lgbt parents to connect with over the net, since my youngest is so young and I can't really leave her too long. I've actually been avoiding everyone lately, because in no way am I ready to come out to anyone right now. And I just don't feel like going anywhere not dressed like my usual self.

    Right now, where I am, it's a pretty warm day. My old self would be out in a sweater dress with some 4 inch heels soaking up the attention from my husband and other men. Now I'm just lost - I even thought about trying on my husband's clothes =\
     
  11. bigeagle

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    Browneyedgirl,

    Please keep your chin up , we are here to help and support you. I am also struggling to maintain a 'nothing is wrong' appearance in work - I am trying hard to focus and get lots of small tasks done. These are tough and testing times but when we get through this, and we will GET THROUGH THIS, we will be stronger than ever before!

    Have faith and keep in touch.
     
  12. Mogget

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    I'm going to agree with everyone else: you haven't stopped loving your kids, you've just discovered a major upset in how you relate to your spouse and that throws into question everything about the life you currently have, kids included.

    The emotions, conflicts, and decisions you are going to have to handle are among the toughest you'll have faced. It isn't something you're expected to do alone, and your need for support during this time will be a lot of what's drawing you to spend all your free time here.

    I would strongly recommend finding a therapist who can help you with these difficulties. I don't know a lot about the mental healthcare system in Canada, but I know we have staff members in Canada, and you might want to contact one of them if you don't know where to start.
     
  13. Penpal

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    I know where you are coming from on this one. I have young children and find I am very distracted at the moment. I am seeing a councillor to help me but it is very hard. I think my marriage is ending and I am trying to come to terms with who I am and what I want. All I can say is you're not alone. Good luck I hope it works out for you. You love your children but you have to let yourself be happy to make them happy. That's the advice I have been given. It's harder than it sounds but I'm going to give it a go. X
     
  14. Ristampa

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    Well , what is wrong with that? I think you would look amazing in your husband clothes.

    That said, is it possible that the reason you feel bad for wanting to leave your child behind it is because you don’t want to leave them behind, but you think that you "must" do it? Do you think that being gay will lead you to leave them?

    Because if the answer is yes, there is a game i want to play with you (that once i played with my therapist, and found very useful).
     
    #14 Ristampa, Jan 15, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2014
  15. Thank you everyone for your insight once again. I'm feeling a bit better and close to my kids again, but I know this disconnection will happen again (as it always does when I think about running away).

    @Ristampa - Let's play =) maybe the game will help me when these thoughts return.
     
  16. Ristampa

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    Well, let’s try. I’m going to put a lot of space between the lines, so you read one at the time.

    The game is called here and now. To play it online you have to be seated on a chair. If you are not seated on a chair , please stop reading and sit on a chair. When i ask you a qustion, pretend i’m there and answer with your voice. Don’t start if you are not seated on a chair.


    This game is created to test if you can distinguish what is real and what is not.

    1)So first of all look around and see the room around you, and for a moment touch the chair with both hands. In this moment, in this exact moment, here and now, where are you? Please answer with your voice.




























    2) now tell me, here and now are you seated on the chair? Here and now, are you sure you are seated? Answer it with your voice.






















    3) now tell me, here and now , in this moment is your house burning? Are you sure? Answer it with your voice.

































    4) now tell me, here and now, in this moment, are you going to walk outside of the house? Are you just about to open the door and walk away, are you just about to do it? Please answer with your voice.



























    5) now tell me, here and now, are you going to leave your children ? Are you just about to stand up, walk outside the door, go away, and never see them again? Please answer with your voice.








































    6) now tell me, it is going to happen a minute from now? A minute from now you are going to leave your children and never see them again? Please answer with your voice.






















    7) now tell me, it is going to happen a day from now? Tomorrow are going to leave your children and never see them again? Please answer with your voice.




































    8) now tell me, iNext month are you going to leave your children? Answer with your voice
































    9) now tell me, a year from now you are going to leave your children? Answer with your voice










































    10) now tell me, when is going to happen ? When here , in this world, you are going to leave your children? Answer with your voice




























    Well that is it. The idea is to try to separate what is real and what is just a game of the mind. Because your mind is tricky, and can lead you to think that you are a bad mother and are going to leave your children when you are not. Now i don't know if this game is appropriate for your situation, but i hope it is. It kinda worked for me. I hope it works for you too.
     
  17. Ristampa, thanks for your post. I did answer the questions but I'm a bit confused...my last answer was when the urge gets too strong and I am unable to control myself, then I will leave or when I actually make a plan to leave my children and decide to carry out this plan...
    I have been diagnosed with OCD, depression, PTSD if that helps and have been working with a anxiety specialist for 2+ years. I recently decided to stop seeing her because it was becoming more clear that my sexuality and gender issues is not an ocd problem.
     
  18. Ristampa

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    The first question is to try to help realize nothing is going to happen in the next year.I hope the game helped you realize that right now you are not going to do it. The last question is a trick, to expose the problem.

    You know, i think that the problem is the idea that some point in the future you will become unable to "control yourself", as if from within you are going to be controlled by a force that compel you to do something you don't want, because being gay doesn't mean you have to leave your children. Of course you can't be sure that in the future it will not happen after you come out, but that is the point: you can be sure only of what you are going to do here and now. You can't now what is going to happen, and yes there is a possibility you will leave them, but there is also a possibility your husband will leave them before you or a possibility they will die before you can leave them. This possibility thing is a trick of the mind.

    Also, you can be lesbian AND have an ocd about it and all the consequences of it. Your ocd right now seems to be about what is going to happen in the relation with your children. The point is, you have to admit you don't have a duty to be with them or a duty to leave them, and you are not worthless if you leave them or if you stay with them, you can choose to be with them or not, but if you feel bad about the idea of leaving them, chances are you don't want to do it, and this will not change even if you start dating someone of the opposite sex. How many mothers do you think that first were scared and depressed about the fact that they were going to leave their children, and then actually did it?

    I think that you could leave your children if you think it is best for them ,but since being gay and open about it and being a bad mother are not the same, and by becoming what you are you are not going to hurt them in any way, i can't see the reason you should do it.
     
  19. Ristampa

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    PS: i'm not a therapist, i just have been a lot with them and readed a lot of books, and right now i'm just trying to mimic my therapist and explain things i have readed in book, but discuss this with a true therapist. Also you should go to see an other one if the last one didn't help you. But remember the point of the therapy is to stop anxiety and get out of depression (that cannot help you being happy or a good mother , in fact they can't help you do shit), and that should be your first objective.
     
    #19 Ristampa, Jan 16, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2014
  20. I don't have anxiety anymore. I now feel like my children are ruining my life, as I want to stay on here all day and/or go out and meet other lbgt people. I'm now bored of being a mom I guess. I hate being with my children by myself, my husband was the one who made life fun (or at least tried to get me involved with stuff).

    I just need to get rid of this excitement and I don't know how to cause I cannot just run out and go wild. I'm either depressed or excited and its becoming annoying. I stopped working a few months ago cause I was unable to handle working and everything else that's going on.

    My feelings for my husband and other men come back when I'n not thinking about these thoughts and I keep thinking about having sex with all my close girlfriends...