Gay Bar - Freaked me out!

I remember my first time - I chose the wrong bar to go to. Extremely masculine - the regulars all knew each other and I was the new meat in town. It was a bizarre experience and left very quickly. From memory I barely even touched my drink - was too scared. No one spoke to me and I just got a few bumps or nudges - not at all what I was expecting.

I then decided to go to a gay café - and it was a great thing - I went in the afternoon first and the people were incredibly friendly and when talking to one of the owners (they started talking because they noticed I was new and probably showing I was nervous LOL) and they said the crowd changes in the early evening and everyone is friendly.

I did go a few more times and each time was quite pleasant - not necessarily talking to people each time - but feeling comfortable and accepted was a wonderful feeling.

I then tried a nightclub again and this time it was quite good. I guess maybe because I was more confident. I did have a couple of people talk to me - all in politeness.
I never looked back after that

 

It is always a bit nerve wracking walking into one of these bars the first few times! I know it was for me..you just have to power through a few times until you do not feel so nervous..If you are worried about looking like a billy no mates..fiddle with your phone a lot and try and give off an 'I am waiting for my date/friends/to show up'...then have a few drinks and once you have some dutch courage you will feel better..have a chat to the barman..make an effort to say hi to other people on their own...when people approached me when I was on my own I really appreciated it as it meant I could chat to someone, even if I did not fancy them...good luck!! it gets easier..

 

I still fully remember the horror that was my first visit to a gay bar. I even went with a couple of friends (one gay, 5 straight) to put me at ease. They all had a blast chatting up people and flirting with the patrons, even my straight friends (in fact, ESPECIALLY my straight friends. To this day, one of them still brags how he totally could have had a fivesome that night xD).

All, except for me, that is. I spent my time sitting in the corner, desperately trying not to look too gay, and utterly paralysed with indecision about what to do and what not to do. Even the most low-key patrons seemed utterly threatening.

In retrospect, it was a pretty worthwhile experience, mind you. I didn't talk or relate directly to even a single patron. However, it did give me a sense of "Hey, I wouldn't have expected that many gay guys to even exist! Most of them just looked like average guys I could pass on the street everyday! They're gay and I'm gay and no one batted an eye about it!"

So: focus on that first and foremost. It was just a bar, with people hanging out and chatting to each other. In that respect, people are pretty much all alike. You got a sampling of the vast array of gay people out there. And maybe none of them approached you or you weren't in the right mood to approach them, but don't make this into something deep and symbolic either. Maybe it just wasn't the night for it.

In fact, I do think that that mindset is why I generally DO end up having a relatively OK time in bars (gay or straight) these days. In a way, you have to accept that it's a bit of a lottery. Sometimes, you'll have a drink, say nothing meaningful, then go home after half an hour. On other nights, you'll have some smalltalk that's fun while it lasts, but doesn't really leave that much of an impression. On other nights, you'll have a conversation that really changes your perspective on life, the universe, and everything!
That, by the way, even goes if you're hanging out with friends. Even with the best of friends, you'll occasionally have moments where you just don't seem to be in the same mindset.

So, knowing that it's a bit of a lottery, it can be fun just going to a bar, with friends or by yourself, and seeing what the evening brings. If it's fun, great! If not, oh well, better luck next time. Not every evening can be a life-defining experience.

On the practical side, I do think that your best possible move in a strange bar is trying to strike up a conversation with the bartender, if he/she is not too busy. They're literally paid to keep you there and consuming, and they might know some other patrons. Also, talking to a bartender makes it fair game for other people to chip in if they feel like talking to you.
Also, as SilentCreatures says: different bars have different atmospheres. I once went to two in an evening and in one, they barely acknowleged me while in the other, the bartender seemed to be desperate to flirt with me. So maybe you need to try some different places.

Last but very much not least: gay bars aren't the only place in the world gay people congregate. So it's still worthwhile to search out other groups, or even just trying to be more out to the world and seeing who you run into that way!

 

Hi,

I agree with most everything said. Generally speaking I view gay bars as unhealthy, similar to the "apps which shall not be named".

I prefer healthy gay venues. What does that mean...

There are gay churches, gay activity groups, and gay social groups. Meetup is a good example, but even within Meetup there are unhealthy groups.

My definition of unhealthy is; sex is the primary goal.

There are also groups you won't feel comfortable in. I went to a Meetup group and was 20 years younger than all other members and I am 55. The attention did not slip off of me until a 70+ guy arrived with a fit 40 year old in tow. I remember the "help me" glance he shot me after being the center of their attention a while. I will not attend that group again.

I recommend activities outside of bars, apps and online dating. Gay is so much more than cruising for sex.

Tom

 

I generally agree. There are two social environments for gay men. One is the "hookup" oriented environment (bars, hookup apps, baths, etc.); the other is a more low-key "social" environment (activity-oriented groups).

I think the hookup environment is unhealthy because it commoditizes sex. The situation devolves to a bunch of guys being - and competing over - sex objects.

As someone who has never bought into the superficial image-oriented aspect of gay life, I've always had better luck meeting guys in the "social" environment. The guys there tend to be more genuine, and looking for more than a one-night romp in the sack.

If you're going out to a gay bar, here are my thoughts on how to make it a better experience.

- Don't go to a bar looking (or expecting) to "hook up."
- Find out what type of bar it is. Some specialize in a specific clientele (such as leather). There are common genres of gay bars - neighborhood bars, piano bars, video bars, dance clubs, go-go dancer bars, etc.) The type of bar and where it is located will often define who goes there. It may also vary from night to night.
- If possible, go with friends, rather than alone. That keeps you out of the awkward situation of going alone and standing off by yourself, or getting approached by creepy guys.

 

Yeah, two major problems with gay bars (well, bars in general).

* They can be, and often are, subdivided into cliques. One gay bar might cater more towards a young and club-going group, and another gay bar might be the popular hangout for the eldergays.

* Most people don't go to gay bars looking for newbies to introduce to the gay scene. You're more likely to find people who are there because "this is where my friends and I go", or perhaps guys looking for somebody to take home. That isn't to say you CAN'T meet nice guys at gay bars - as you found out your first time there - but it's not exactly a scenario built to welcome people like you, either. I've yet to be to a gay bar that is actually un-welcoming, but I can't say they rolled out the red carpet for me, either. I usually just go and people watch, and maybe strike up a conversation or two. And if nothing happens, no biggie.

Lex

 

I've only been to one here in town. I've found the bartenders very friendly and welcoming and even introduced me to some patrons. I don't usually go out on the weekends. It may be after work or a drink after someother activity. It's a more masculine place. It is home to a bike club and a bear group, but it seems to have more of a neighborhood feel. I be a little leery of going on a bar night sponsed by the bike club, but I did go to a bear night. I was really unimpressed by the turn out, but was with some aquaintances so it didn't matter. I'm not looking for a hook-up though. I've met some great people with whom I want to develope a friendship and some creepers (ugh), but I think I've lucked out overall. Still not really all that comfortable by myself being out and about. It's not really that different from being at a straight bar. You find a niche I guess. My father used to say always have respect for yourself, meaning if you are just willing to bed someone you're just using them and in turn lowering yourself. Sorry if it sounds to moralistic, but I never had to try to remember someone's name the next morning. Smile and have fun. It's supposed to be fun isn't it.:eusa_danc

 

Well, for those making the distinction, and I agree it exists, there is also an overlap. A person can go to a supportive church related group and find people who want to crawl into bed with one another. I guess this makes them more low-key and "legitimate." I had a friend who went to such a group and, in addition to their hitting the bars after the service ended, it was "oh, this guy likes me but I don't like him" and "I'd sure like to hook up with this one guy in that group." Meh. I guess if you make 5 to 10 friends in such a group, and sleep with 1 or 2 along the way, it's less shallow. Somehow.

 

Tightrope -

You're right, the "meat market" atmosphere can exist anywhere, including some social groups, churches, etc. I made the distinction mainly because I've never been real comfortable in a really sexually-charged environment. That's just how I am.

What's "shallow" to me is when guys use sexual attraction as a filter. As in: twinks who would rather die than talk to a guy over 40; bears who ignore anyone with a different look; etc.

As for whether to stay single and hook up or have a relationship, I think that's an individual decision. Sorry if I put too much of a value judgment on that.

 

Agreed. I can pretty much talk to any subset of the GLBT community, on a friends-only basis. It doesn't mean I'm interested. In fact, I'm usually not. I have very definite types I like. Becoming fidgety or looking a nanosecond or two too long tells me who I'm interested in. And there's a pattern. Unfortunately, I can't help that.

 

No, judgement...if someone wants a one-nighter that's their business...my feeling is you're the one who has to live with yourself...despite the fact I have a type, type is always subordinate to who the person is...it's supposed to be fun...if you're not having fun, why spend the time or the money...right?!...of course, right!...even in bed...it's supposed to be fun.

 

No judgment here, either. BTDT. If anything, the generational mind shift is what passes the judgment. The 40+ crowd knows that it was previously done through hook-ups, or by those clandestine exclusive set-ups with friends with whom you "just knew." Now, with longing for significant others and exclusivity at a much earlier age, I get the impression that the old M.O. would have been viewed as slutty. The context had to be understood.

 

In one of my previous attempts to come out in my early twenties, I used to more often go to the gay bars/clubs in my area. I liked the music, but in terms of actually meeting anyone, that probability was zero. I also never seemed to gain much affirmative attention from the gay women. I think I probably just looked too straight, and it didn't help straight men were hitting on me (YES, in a gay bar!). This in turn added to me second guessing my attractions (in and amongst other things), and I just ended up going back in the closet.

Now a few years later and in my early 30s, I realised these women were just very different people to me, just like in the straight world people can be extremely diverse. I never really enjoyed straight clubs and bars in the first place - so why would a gay bar be any different, just because the people there swing a particular way?

I also realise now that I am basically the same person I've always been, just a bit more honest with myself about certain aspects. I'd much rather meet someone out of friendship or shared interests, rather than out of a random soulless encounter.

 

Bears are heavy set hairy men.

Bikers are motorcycles and leather.

Is there a listing on EC for the demographic profiles?



As far as I know that bikers & bears.

 

its ok bigeagle, your not alone in this.
When I was in my early 20s I went to gay bars all the time, in london, local towns, and in my town we had one of thursday nights. Get after going for some time, I slowly grew to realize I didn't relate to the gay group there.
Later I realized, in local areas, gay groups form a kind of clique with familiar faces, at the expense of new people or people they don't know enough about, and so it becomes very unwelcoming for a lot of people who aren't flamboyant or able to hold there own or start conversations, which I never have been good at.

In the end I gave up trying to become part of other peoples cliques, and stick to friends I know, regardless of there sexual identity. I'd sooner be friends with a small group of straight people who know me and talk to me about things in common, then trying to bond with a group of gay guys who don't even try or acknowledge you.

Believe me, its more important finding people your comfortable with, then trying to socialize with people who don't.

 

Walking into ANY social situation where you know no one... can be a big deal!

Take a deep breath. Ideally, find a seat at the bar. Order a drink, and start chatting up the bar tender(s). That'll open up the conversation and a good bar tender will include those folks sitting near you, too.

I suppose years ago a person would have pulled out a gay newspaper or book or something -- now it's your phone. If nothing else, find an article to read, enjoy your drink. Look around. Relax.

These are the members of your tribe. Some hot, some not. Some social, friendly, kind, others boors and stand offish. Some might want to take you home. Some you might want to take home. And... you can choose whether to do that or not!

Last night was at a gay bar with several friends. We were talking about some serious stuff (shame in the gay community). Seated adjacent was a guy by himself, he was clearly listening. At one point one of us asked him "what do you think?" -- he was a smart, nice, guy and we had fun chatting and laughing with him the rest of the evening. These don't need to become life long friends, dates, or anything else. Just some guys you share something with in common and are open to.