I have felt stuck for awhile now in terms of coming out more to myself and others. Going to a bar didn't really help me very much. It made me drink and fall into a dysfunctional pattern of lusting after women in my mind, which seems to be a huge defense mechanism for me. It makes me feel desperate and awful, and has a bad hangover effect. That is a rough cycle that I have been for a long time. I took a very positive step the other day, however. I have sporadically run into my old neighbor, who is gay and in a relationship with my friend's brother. They have been a touchstone for me in terms of feeling normal. Whenever I was around them I would be nervous, I noticed. Tried to be in control constantly, and then get away as quickly as possible. But I also would feel excited to see them thrive, and I connectsd to that in a visceral way. In fact, that is my pattern. Try to be in control and then get away so that there can be no chances taken at stopping and being seen. By myself or others. Getting back to my story, I have sporadically run into my old neighbor around town. They are at least 10 years younger than me, but that shouldn't make a difference. Each time I have run into him I have had the temptation of coming clean, but I never do. Coming out to a gay man that I know personally is just about the scariest thing I can think of. It is different than doing it with a straight person, because I can do that with just words or my mind. I don't have to truly reveal myself. With a gay man who knows me personally, I feel like I am being dangerously vulnerable and the idea of it feels like such relief. The same kind of relief that I felt when initially starting to admit to myself that I was gay. It has faded over time, because I still spend so much of my time covering up who I am. It is confusing when you are in your mind about it. I can lose touch with how I am not truly free at all, but still hiding so much. Frustrating and depressing. It is such a lonely feeling that grows, and suddenly I am not living much at all. Just getting by with calculated control that limits my reasoning to stop. I know that I want to be me. I had an opportunity again when I ran into my old neighbor. He friended me on fb as I was preparing to send him a little note about how I was gay. It felt like it was supposed to happen. So I wrote him. I know it is not the same as telling someone in person, but it felt right anyway. The next day he wrote back with words of support and friendship. I cried. I felt like I could breathe again. My whole day had a freedom to it, and I felt whole. I cannot overstate how important it is for me to think that I have other gay men in my life that I can fall back on in my mind to know that I have a community that I can identify with. Somewhere that I can feel included and feel like I am not hiding myself. It is a big hurdle that i know I am making more difficult for myself. But to be around other gay men has not been easy for me. First, I hide from it like hell. Secondly, when I do look for meet up groups and therapy groups they are really hard to find in a setting that is not a bar. I want to stop this behavior so bad. I know I need to. Letting go of control is more simple than I can understand. I keep thinking I need to plan for it and learn about it, but really that is just another form of avoidance and control. Make it stop. I want to stop manipulating myself and others. I want to be real. My brain has been in control for as long as i can remember. I just want my body to lead the way, but fear keeps on getting in the way. Ugh. The wholeness fades pretty quickly.I don't want it to fade, but that means I have to start living with a different approach. I cannot take bits and pieces of feeling good and then go hide again. It sucks. If you read this far, you are awesome. If you didn't, you are probably still awesome.
Hi, By control you mean maintaining the lie? I understand your exhilaration around gay men. But honestly once you come out to other gays you are going to find a sense of community you never knew existed. Nobody is going to pounce on you like fresh meat. If you are like me it is all in your head and you only need to do it (force yourself) once and the mental illusion is destroyed and it becomes easy. Best of luck. Tom
Yeah. I distract and avoid myself all day long. I stop without truly stopping. More directly, I think that I let my brain run the show, without ever really settling into my body. There is a lingering fear that still controls me for much of the day. After I got divorced about 3 1/2 years ago, I had to learn to live on my own. Take care of myself without being fearful. I have done a really good job, but I am so, so habitual. It makes me feel safe and secure. But I have come to despise this lonely life. I think that I need to live in a new apartment, or have a new job, or live in a new city to help me let go of the past and the lie that is sewn into everything from before I realized that I am gay. Maybe that could get me out of this confusion...
You are awesome for sharing your story and pushing your boundaries. I too have found it liberating and exhilerating to be able to be myself around other gay men since I started coming out. Just simple things like watching tv together and commenting on a hot guy are so profound. Think about it. I have spent my whole life until now (and maybe you have too) avoiding acknowledging attractive guys and even faking attraction to women to be one of the guys. Now being able to casually give words to my attractions in the company of someone who feels the same is rarther miraculous. So keep building your circle of gay friends and growing your opportunities to lower your guard and be who you really are. It's a great feeling and one you deserve to have.
I am so looking forward to that kind of friendly conversation that it's not funny...never thought about what it would be like to sit at a hockey game with agay friend.
No kidding....My daughter and I were at the computer the other day looking for some info or other, and started idly googling images of assorted actors and actresses. I searched on a few guys she didn't know, and commented that I thought they was REALLY hot (she knows I'm gay). Afterwards I thought, how weird, but how great, is it to be able to say stuff like that openly? And how much better would it be to be able to sit around with a few gay friends and just talk? I can do that to some extent at work--there are a couple people here I am out to--but it's still WORK, after all.
This is funny. I could have cheered you on ... depending on your taste, of course. I remember how some girls I knew growing up, such as in college, would make those sorts of comments about some actors and it was obvious our types, when it came to guys, were the same.
Hi, I recently have attended some gay Meetups and found a healthy gay pub in the area. Like the straight world you find people commenting when they see something that tickles their pickle. Especially the pub where HGTV (home & garden television) rules the big screen with all its gorgeous guys. (Are the Scott brothers gay LOL). It is very nice for these spontaneous conversations pop up and nobody cares or bats an eye. And just like the straight world once in a while over the top comments are made and totally ignored by the group. Very natural, very comfortable, just like every other group on the planet. There is a gay community out there where normal gay things are normal. Tom
Hi Stellar, thank you for sharing your story. And congrats! I hope you will find the way how to expand the comfortable space and feel even better.
I've never been comfortable with the more flamboyant members of the gay community, but the other evening at the gay men's chorus there were people of every stripe. Everyone working toward one goal and realised that some of my prejudices apart from being baseless, but part of my old "script". I think in accepting myself and I've a greater capacity to accept others...such a suburban Babbitt. We went out afterwad for a drink and some of the nicest guys were those who I might not have even spoken to in the past, probably out of fear as being labelled as one of them. I may not be a Mardi Gras float, but that doesn't mean it can't make me smile.
Thanks. I appreciate it! I am grateful for this site. ---------- Post added 17th Jan 2014 at 11:27 PM ---------- To speak from our hearts, unfiltered, feels like breathing for the first time. Yes, a miracle.
StellarJ1 I really get that thing about it being easier to come out to straight people than other gay men. Not at the time (when it felt like the biggest thing ever) but in retrospect telling the world I was gay has been a million times easier and simpler than 'being gay' - if that makes sense? My internalised homophobia - my fear of losing control/being vulnerable- have been massive barriers to overcome. But by sticking with it and making myself meet other gay people slowly and imperceptibly those barriers have fallen. Seeing beyond the stereotypes, seeing the huge diversity within the gay community, challenging my own habitual prejudices have all been an amazing journey. I am still struggling with actually allowing myself to be open and relaxed enough to straight looking for a gay relationship, but even at my advanced years I sense that too will come...
Hi, Do you have preconceived ideas or expectations a gay person would have of you once you tell them? I know as a teen the word "date" scared the hell out of me because in my head a date entailed (demanded) activities I could not comfortably perform with a girl. It was all my preconceived expectations and not reality.
I'd a fair number of aquaintances who are gay when this all started to percolate, and only one work friend...he was touched that I told him and he was the first outside of my vicar and shrink...it was all very light and glib...there was no sense of what a big deal it was to come out so late and with so much collateral damage...he's about my age...it all rather "glad you switched teams" and "I knew it!"...my response was, "I'm glad you did,because I sure as hell didn't."...very few have been seem to be aware of how hard this has been and as been said maybe it's generational or the lack of a marriage.
Hi Scott, It is difficult but I am resigned to the process. There is no going back and only a desire I had started the process long ago. Tom
On being honest with oneself ... Congratulations! I, too, have begun the process of finally being so honest. I'm 32 years old and finally accepted the female within myself. I'm not sure where it will lead, but I'm learning that I DO have the right to be happy being me and deserve to be loved thus. My wife and I are facing divorce. Not that I blame her; i was living a lie, even to myself. She's straight, and she married a "man"that was trying SOOOOO hard to be the stereotypical man that "he" lost "himself"in childhood. But I'm learning.
