Hi, I am really frustrated... This first year of leaving wife and kids to be authentic is tough. I did not plan well enough. What is frustrating me; I should have done this long ago as age is a factor, economy and lack of jobs is a factor, being a stay at home dad was great but killed my career, living with family is not optimal either. Not depressed, simply frustrated. By far the worst is lack of somebody special in my life. Guess I am just not good at meeting gay men or I am being too fussy. In youth I met people working in large corporations the daily cube farm grind bring you together and getting to know each other. It just happened naturally. Today it feels so forced and contrived going to events to "meet people". Friends say "go to club", "join online dating", "go to gay events" but it does not feel natural to me. It feels forced. It feels like meat-market-lite, unnatural, forced. If given the choice; great job or great partner I would choose partner. Tough year. I have to get the basics in place (job/home) and stop worrying about being alone. Some of you can commiserate but all I can say is my choice is right but I needed a better plan.
Maybe you needed a better plan .... Or maybe not, but the point is you have to work with what you have/ where you are in life. I had a plan and it didn't include my current bf of 4 year because of his location - but when I stopped focusing in the plan I had in my head - I realized other than location and timing he was perfect. As the clubbing, groups etc. - I say stick with it but not with the hope of meeting Mr. Right but as a way to meet new people. You never know which new person is going to change your life.
I went back to school not that long ago to get an M.S.Ed., not that I'd recommend going into teaching in the public sector now. Private and Catholic schools often take life experience into account. Volunteering is another way to get your foot in the door for a career change, but also a network to meet people and feel useful. You probably know this already though. I'm not the best source of trying to find a lasting partnership as you know, having just come out to my wife. I've found a bar where I feel comfortable at and have met some people, but I'm not there during peak hours or bar nights. I've met some nice guys that I hope will develope into deeper friendships. My "big" plan is joining the local gay men's chorus Hope it helps.
It also helps to remind yourself that this is supposed to be fun. If it isn't rent a movie have some friends over. Crying in your beer regardless where you are never puts you in your most attractive light.
I always think if you look for love you're less likely to find it, live for yourself, especially if you've been busy taking care of your kids for so long. Mr right will come along when you least expect it. I know being single sucks but try to make the most of it. You'll find love in the end
I couldn't have said this better. *Such* good perspective...so difficult to tolerate the truth of. Thank you!
I am in the early stage of coming out and is struggling to decide if I am gay or bisexual. After falling in love with a man 21 years younger than me, after 20 years of married life I am unsure if it is just a phase or if I might be gay or bisexual. I have never been sexually involved with a man, but is very sexually attracted to the young guy I fell in love with. I am now separated from my wife but do not want to go ahead with a divorce unless I am certain of my sexual orientation. Please advise as you have been through this.
Hi Paul13, My feelings... If you are gay or bisexual you already know the answer to that question and are seeking approval to express who you are. I doubt anybody here would deny you that permission. I have always known I was gay. I tried playing it straight to find a stable relationship/partner and it failed because I am gay. I could make all kinds of excuses for myself but that is the bottom line. Yes, kids add a complication, yes, wife's feelings is a complication, yes, finances and security is a complication... Complications I piled on my own head so there is no excuse. It is what it is. Will it sweep away painlessly? My first year says no. Will it resolve itself in time with; time, honesty and effort: yes. Face it, it would have been hard enough for you to come "out" at 20 as it would have been for me at 20. It was a different era. Now add all the crap you/I are carrying at 45 and me at 55; coming out will be messy. You have been gay/bisexual all your life. Falling in love with a "20 something" is most likely indicative of the age you locked your true sexuality in the closet. But I posted this rant just to get my frustration with myself off my chest. If you have sexuality issues deal with them NOW! Ten more years will not make the problems you face now go away. I have those ten years on you... No easier. As I started with... If you are gay/bisexual you have always known at some level and you don't need my (or anyone's) permission to express your authentic self. I am sure you are a great guy, suffering undue stress over this. You know that old saying "fish or cut bait"? There is no cutting bait in this situation. It is more like pulling off a band-aide dried onto a scab. It is going to hurt but that wound will not heal until it is in the sunlight and fresh air. You know the answer to your question, but the correct answer is not as important as asking the correct question... You ready to move forward? Everyone here will support you as they can. Tom
Thanks for the advice/ wisdom. I agree with everything you say. The guy I fell in love with has come out of the closet to me and it was during the time I gave him advice on the coming out process that I fell in love with him. Tanks for your support. I hope that you find your soulmate soon. You seem to deserve it.
Hi, There is a large difference between two closeted guys outing to each other versus being publicly out. I have found closeted guys behave EXACTLY like your friend if they are not ready to come out publicly. A bag of hurt only for you. Best of luck. Remember... He most likely loves his closet more than he loves you.
Vent away skiff.. You need to put yourself out there one way or another, have you been to any gay clubs? Google gay organisations in your area maybe?? I know there are support groups in my area... I believe things happen for a reason and whiles the wheel of fortune seems against you right now... That will change.. Peace
Hi, I have a small numer of gay friends. All of them younger than me 37-47, the youngest still stuck in the closet. My dearest friend is 47 and although I feel great friendship and chemistry with him he is married to a great guy and I would never screw that up. I do belong to meetup groups, have attended events but I always find somebody I like only to learn they are not only partnered but married. Since "marriage" is a one day goal I guess my gaydar looks for qualities that are commonly found in married gay men. But guys my age, seeking what I want, not into hook-ups are rare. It must be generational and the bulk of guys I seek are already partnered and disconnected from the gay scene. Sure, I have found 20 something's and up ready to hit the sheets but that isn't me. There are no support groups local to me which I can attend. I would have to go to Boston for that and cities... Not me either. Thanks.
