When I came out to my husband he was really supportive and I actually thought we had a chance. Now he is angry with me and the children all the time. He hugs me one minute and is ignoring me the next. I know he is angry but he looks ill and is going out drinking a lot. I have told him if he wants to split up I will do everything I can to make it as painless as possible for us all. We both love each other but we can't continue like this. The more he pushes me away the more I think about exploring this side of me which I have never had the chance to before. I told another friend I was bi yesterday. It went well but it feels like I have told so many people now there is no turning back.
Questions. Do you want to turn back? Do you still love him? I came out to myself and my wife 2 nights ago. She was quite supportive at the time. I told her I needed to talk to some people about it as it was still quite a shock to my system and I don't totally know where I want to take it. I told her there were groups such as this and that I'd like to join to talk to others about. She agreed and felt that was a good starting point. Yesterday when I went online and started a profile, she flipped out. Extremely jealous and said this wasn't going to work. I told her "ok" as we have been vary tumultuous for a long time now. An hour later she was apologizing and just asked for some time and to expect some moments of jealousy and lost composure. I was annoyed at first with her flipflop, but putting myself in her shoes, I can empathize and see why. I think that you need to discuss where: You want to go with your feelings/desires. What level of relationship (if any) he can accept and still be with you. That is what I have put forward to my wife. I told her to trust her gut if she felt that no level of my bisexuality would be acceptable so we could both move on. If she wasn't sure, take some time and think it over Hope this helps
Yes, thank you it has amazed me how many people on here are coming out as late as I have. I spoke to my councillor about it and she said that nowadays people are able to come out earlier but 10 years ago this wasn't the case. My husband was very narrow minded when it came up in conversation so I never told him I thought I may be bi and never needed to because I had fallen in love with him. We had a fantastic relationship but things changed and I had feelings towards a female friend. My husband guessed an I told him everything. Nothing ever happened with my friend and she won't talk to me anymore but it has opened up a door that I'm not sure i can close. I have never explored this side of me but now my husband has lost interest I am thinking about a very different future to that I thought I had. I love my husband but neither of us are happy and he is vile to the children at the moment and I don't understand that. They are not to blame. We have talked but he says he is angry and scared. I understand that and I'm trying to give him time although we are both having angry moments. Thanks for your advice, I hope you find happiness.
vile to the children? is this something that started once you told him or has he been in a funk w/respect to the family for a while? How old is your husband and your children? We have a 3 year old daughter... i guess I start everything later in life that said, the whole... I have a family, turning 40, midlife crisis thing has been grinding on me. Chances are if in the same age group your husband is at a feeling of fear of losing you... to a woman and being middle age looking to start a new life... that can be really hard to pull off at that age. i'll be honest with the vibe I get from your words though, you seem to be leaning strong to the female side... are you sure you'd still even want a male in your romantic life? what are you mostly interested in with a woman? Emotional connection that your husband just can't give? Sexual interest? Both? Sorry to hear about your friend BTW... that had to be tough. I know my wife really values her female friendships. She has a couple really close ones. I've questioned her as to whether she has ever wanted them to go further but her response is always no. Talking w her last night, she told me I need to sleep w a man. We discussed how that could actually work, the fears we both had about exposure and have decided that she is going to help me find one that she is comfortable w and that we would do it together... ie have a threesome. Pretty scary stuff. I've a huge urge to do it but also a lot of trepidation. take care... chin up :
Spot on my husband turned 40 in October. I arranged a little get together with his close friends and he went mad at me. I ended up in tears. Turning 40 was really hard for him. We have had a tough few years and as we drifted apart I spent more time with the friend who I fell for. We had so much in common and it turned out she was bi too. However she is now happy with another woman and I have accepted that. She never knew I had feelings for her but found it too hard to help me anymore. Now my husband is pushing me away I am finding it hard to close off those feelings. At the same time I don't want to get 3 months down the line and find we have made a huge mistake. I also have very sensitive children who will be scarred by all of this. My family are a couple of hours away and I can't talk to them much. They would freak if they knew. My husband and I have talked and said we love each other but we are not sure where to go from here. You are very brave in your decision. Your wife must love you very much. I hope it works out for you and you all come out of this happy. Hurt is what I am trying to avoid but in doing that the pain I am feeling is unbelievable and my husband is now a mess. Clearly this isn't the way. We were so close and such a good match it is very difficult to let go. Sorry for gabbling just very confused. Good luck and thank you for taking the time to talk to me. X ---------- Post added 19th Jan 2014 at 09:53 PM ---------- My children are 8 and 6 and he is a good dad but they can be difficult and he shouts a lot at them. I find it difficult as I hate arguments. My parents argued a lot and I found that difficult even though I knew they loved me. I don't want that for my children.
Interesting... I sold my business a few years ago when my wife wanted to go back to work and have been a stay at home dad since then. I absolutely love it. So much appreciation for what woman go thru. To the point though, our marriage has been tumultuous all through this... likely because my wife was constantly feeling she wasn't enough for me. She seemed to grasp that I was Bi before I did. The stress of a bad marriage and the mid-life crisis and the patience required to deal with children got the better of me sometimes. I would snap at my daughter when really I was pissed with my wife. Extremely inappropriate and my wife called me on it. I went to a counsellor to talk about things as I didn't have a close friend to confide in. If your husband is in this boat, he likely needs someone to talk to. Money well spent if you can convince him to go. If he can't realize what he is doing, you have 2 choices. Separate with equal child rearing responsibilities... where he might come around because you won't be there to make him angry. Or, you can try to get custody based on his outbreaks being traumatizing. My feeling though is that he just needs to be called on his actions so he can step outside himself for a minute to see what he is doing to the psyche of your children. Not at all irreversible at that age, but defo can't continue. Strange, I turned 40 in October too.
I have talked to him about it and suggested counselling as it is helping me so much. He is going through a lot and I think it could really help him. He says he doesn't know why he is angry. I understand why he is more i think. I have suggested separation and told him I wouldn't be out to get him I would be fair. I want him to make the decision based on his feelings for me not because he thinks he will lose everything. He is a lovely person going through a very difficult time and although we had problems long before my feelings started for my friend I still care for him and want him to have a good life and be a good dad.
It seems to me that he's confused. If you had an open marriage there should be no problem. If you had a traditional marriage (if there is such a thing) and neither of you had sex with other people, then what you're telling him is that you want an open marriage. Keep in mind if you want to have sex outside of the marriage then he can too. You need to sit down with him and sort it all out.
It is a traditional marriage or has been up to this point. I'm not sure either of us could handle an open marriage. I am giving my husband space to think and will try to talk through our options with him. I have never been with a woman so there is part of me that needs to find out if that is the path I should follow. However there is a part of me that doesn't want to let go of my marriage. Feeling torn. Thanks for talking.
Vamanos does have a good point. You are asking for something that is unconventional from your husband without (maybe you have?) offering him anything in return. If you really are unsure and you want to leave a door open, find a bisexual woman that would have a threesome with the 2 of you. At least he could be a part of the experience and not feel so rejected. Would give you a chance to see if there was something you need there or not. I gave my wife the job of finding me someone to experiment with. Someone she would feel safe with. She said she didn't have to be involved sexually, but when I said I'd like her there, her positive interest in the whole thing really picked up. Other option would be to agree to stay together as a married couple in a transitional phase where you both have the option to have partners outside the relationship. The fact that your husband doesn't sound to have a bi lean at all may mean you have to let him be with another woman in order to try what you like. Of course, you could just lie and go do it too to find out. I personally feel that is not a good way to live though. I've been cheated on in a previous long term relationship and it really did some permanent damage to me.
Thank you, plenty to think about. I really don't want to cheat on him, we have been together 18 years and I have been faithful to him. I don't want to hurt him. I will talk it through with him and see what his reaction is. Thanks again. I hope things work out for you. It sounds like you are dealing with some major issues too. Keep smiling. X
